Young son hitting his mother

[Sheri99]

When my daughter became a mother, her first born was a son. She never disciplined him physically and did the "time out" routine. At about age 4 he began to swing at her and hit her, hard enough to hurt. She would try to put him into time out for it but he would of course get up several times during these time outs and scream at her, pitch fits, attempt to hit at her again, rather attacking her. He was not totally out of control as I would notice he would have his eye on me - almost as if he was expecting me to do something. What would you have done, 1) as a mother, in my daughter's position; 2) as her mother, his grandmother? Am I being unreasonable to think I was correct by just walking away from the situation, i.e.,"Not my circus, not my monkey"?

Why did you not support your DD? It sounds like she is struggling.

I wouldn't have walked away from them, no.

If this is real, I can’t believe you walked
away leaving a 4 year old attacking his mother and did nothing.

Does your dd want you to step in? My dm would step in but not if I didn't want it.

I'm a big believer in the tribe, the village, the accountability to the many. There's a modern thing where kids feel they can only have negative behaviours checked by their parents alone, but I think as a society it makes for more responsible adults to have the availability of a (provably rare) reprimand from others in their family. Even in public at times, I saw a woman nicely ask a child not to kick the ducks at a park and his parents kicked off at her, but they were just watching and lettting it happen!?

In this case, I'd speak to your daughter and ask if she minds you stepping in, as sometimes it can be seen as diluting or diverting her larental responsibility, but you stepping in also shows your grandson what he probably knows (as he had his eye on you), that what he is doing is wrong. She's your daughter still though she's a mother, and if she's happy for you to, it would be good to step in when he's being physical and she's struggling to contain it.

Why are you asking this? If you walked away because you thought an audience wasn't helping that's one thing but to use that phrase ,not my circus etc about your daughter and grandchild ,is really uncaring.

cant believe you posted this to be honest

it’s because she doesn’t physically discipline her son - are you happy she’s getting punished for that ? Did you hit her when she was a child ?

You walked away from your DD while her son was attacking her? Why would you do that? If you felt your DGS wasn't out of control then you should have stepped in, helped her put him in time out so she could have a breather.
Has your DD spoken to GP or school nurse? Is dad in the picture?
Please don't leave her to deal with it, support her. Or is this a reverse?

I have two toddlers. One is very compliant (but a little cheeky) and the other needs management (you have to give her time to come to terms with it) which I think is just their personalities. My parents will verbally back me up: "you need to listen to Mummy" and I'm sure they would step in more if I looked like I needed it. I've had strangers help me the (thankfully only) handful of times my kids have had full-on tantrums. e.g., Someone stopped to tell my son the playground was closed when he was crying and pulling on the gate.

There's a difference between interfering with someone's parenting and reinforcing the parenting or breaking the tantrum when they're starting to struggle. The kid looking to you is the perfect time to repeat to the child what the parent is saying.

You are inferring that he hits her because she never hit him? I know rather a lot of Mums who have never hit their kids and their kids are well behaved and not violent.

Are you walking away in a sort of "told you so" manner. She won't hit him like you think she should so she no longer has your support?

Can't imagine why she is struggling with her parenting skills. Hopefully she will find sone good advice to deal with this. Send her over here, there are people here who are willing to help.

OP, If you had intervened you'd have endd up accused of meddling so I get your point. Are you able to ask your daughter what she wants you to do? I imagine from reading your post she's been vocal to you about using less discipline than you did?

My son was very difficult at that age, I would have given anything to have someone help reign him in. When he would kick off shouting or whatever ILs would sit in silence watching me deal with it alone, never intervening or distracting him or basically being of any use. I suspect silently judging. Never asked me for my views on what they should do in that awkward situation. I started to avoid calling over with the kids and have a lot less respect for them now.

I was unsure what to do. I caught her eye and she just rolled her eyes as if "this is typical DS", not a pleading look in her eye, she just held his hands and then walked away from him. My instinct was to say something, but another instinct told me "She may resent me saying anything....".

I would have said 'don't hit your mum you're hurting her! come and have a look at this tractor book with me instead' and later asked her what I could do to support her - surely that's very obvious. What I wouldn't have done is think she should be hitting her child back.

I'm not a fan of time out either, especially with a stubborn child that melts down and lashes out - it just turns into a battle.

How long ago did this actually happen?

I read it that the OP is saying that violence or smacking isn’t normal in the house, not inferring that the OP wants her daughter to smack her kid. That was quite a leap.

So this just happened once? Holding his hands (and saying don't hit me it hurts) and then walking away is a sensible approach.

It was real. I was just shocked she let it roll off her, like this was normal behavior. It isn't as if she could not have defended herself, she is of course larger than he was. I was just at a loss in the moment and wondered what other grandmothers would have done, or would recommend and how other mothers handle this sort of behavior. Rather wondered at my daughter being so rather passive?

My son hit me when he was a bit younger than that - all the timeouts in the world didn't stop it - my HV spoke to a child psychologist who suggested I tried ignoring him when he did it - the problem that had been going on for weeks was solved within 24 hours

shes your daughter, if you’re so unsure why wouldn’t you just ask “would you like some help?”

The answer to this depends on far too many things. My DS started hitting out at around 20 months, he's Autistic. I don't want anyone to interfere or get involved, it makes the situation worse and I'm the best person to handle it. I don't need someone to back me up or support my parenting or reinforce boundaries or any of that. OP have you talked to your DD about what she needs from you when this happens? If this was happening to my DD I'd ask what she needed me to do.

It was quite a long time ago. I didn't think she should have hit him, no. I would have preferred her to take hold of his hands and wrap her arms in around him, and speak to him that he was hurting her. Not just roll her eyes and walk away, not doing anything. She has other children, after this one, and they are much better in time out - but three of those are girls and I don't know if that may be why they are better; the other younger son doesn't do so well in time out either.

I can see that I should speak to her, even though it happened a while ago, it just seemed out of character for her to let him roll over her, so to speak?

I was in a store the other day and witnessed an about 12 yo boy verbally berating his mother and then he physically punched her shoulder, not very hard, but he used it to punctuate his negative berating in public. One of his female siblings caught me looking at this "parent abuse" exchange and she tapped her brother, and said "Stop, Daniel that lady is watching you". He immediately stepped back from his mother, but didn't look to see who "that lady" was that was "watching" him do this.

I've noticed a trend in kids not behaving respectfully toward adults - kids who's parents seem to be between 30 and 45. Is this a societal trend?

I am asking this to see how others would have reacted and if I could have done better. "Not my monkey not my circus" was not meant to be an uncaring manner, just that that phrase is used in place of "Minding my own business, and perhaps need to mind my own business?" where I am from.

The way a person reacts to their child when alone at home may be different to when they are being scrutinised in public or even by a family member. She may not always ignore. Why not just ask if that happens again would you like me to step in or leave you alone? You can also talk to the child alone, i don't mean berate him or anything but say 'I'm feeling sad because I saw you hit your Mum'. It might make him think next time I don't want gran to see my bad behaviour, at least it would be one less situation for your DD to deal with.

I rather thought that was what she was doing, perhaps thinking ignoring it would make the behavior go away? That is plausible; they were transferred/moved away for a few years, so I don't know if it got better.