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Original poster

to really not know what the best thing is to do about this?

27 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2024 23:00

DD (13) and I just had a bit of a heart to heart.

She had a sleepover on halloween and although it seemed to go ok, she didnt really talk much about it, which is unusual. She was with her father this weekend so didnt see her until this evening.

We often go to the Xmas lights switch on in the next town over and she wanted to go again and I said "Why dont we invite X (her best friend) as you and her had such a good time last year" and it was obvious there was an issue. After some careful probing she burst into tears and said "I was told I shouldnt tell anyone!". After my initial (in my head) panic and some more talking, it turned out that her three friends had been vaping. She had wanted me to come and get her but decided not to call as she didnt want them to fall out with her. She feels so much better for sharing it but doesnt want them to fall out with her if they get in to trouble as they will know it was her that split on them. I asked if she did it and she says she didnt. I do believe her as she is HF and has very clear ideas about what she will and wont do. This is also why she doesnt want to lose these friends as she (in her words) is "weird" and not many people get her.

I know one of the mums quite well and I know that she would want to know. I know one of the other mums (X;s mum) mainly through the sleepover thing and she wouldnt be ok with it either. The other mum I dont know at all but as they are 13 and two of the girls had their own vapes (X and the child of the mum I dont know) I cant imagine them being ok with it.

The child of the mum I know best I can imagine her doing it jsut to fit in.

What the hell do I do now? I suggested that DD talks to the girl that we both think just joined in due to peer pressue and go from there. DD feels that she half wants me to talk to their parents but half doesnt want me to. She really isnt worried about getting into trouble herself so I do believe that she didnt do it too.

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2024 23:02

Sorry, forgot to disable the poll

OP posts:
andfinallyhereweare · 03/11/2024 23:03

Do nothing, your daughter didn’t vape. Your involvement stops there. Talk to your daughter about how some people make the wrong choice. Your daughter has a life ahead of her of watching her mates do silly things.

sprigatito · 03/11/2024 23:03

I would prioritise keeping her confidence, personally. Having been to hell and back with my ND teenagers, I think that trust and communication between you is the most powerful protective factor there is. I wouldn't jeopardise it to save another child from the dangers of vaping.

Spinet · 03/11/2024 23:04

Honestly, you don't do anything. Your relationship with DD - the one that meant she told you this - is much too important.

You could casually mention that you have seen some of the kids at the school vaping with the other mums and hope they bring it up with their kids. Otherwise zip it.

OriginalShutters · 03/11/2024 23:06

Spinet · 03/11/2024 23:04

Honestly, you don't do anything. Your relationship with DD - the one that meant she told you this - is much too important.

You could casually mention that you have seen some of the kids at the school vaping with the other mums and hope they bring it up with their kids. Otherwise zip it.

Yes. Your relationship with her outranks your responsibility to the parents of the other children.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2024 23:07

That was my first instinct to but she said that she "sort of" wants me to tell their mothers, but "sort of" doesnt. I asked her to think about it and whatever she wants to do, I will do.

I did say that she should think about telling her friends how it made her feel and that she wont go to anymore sleepovers if they are going to do it again. She was very receptive to that.

OP posts:
CoddledAsAMommet · 03/11/2024 23:11

Heres a tip as you parent a teenager - have a password. A normal, every day word or phrase she can text you which you know really means 'I want to come home, come and get me.' Something like 'what's for tea tomorrow?', 'how's the dog?' Etc. Then you text back saying that she has to come home, something has happened... puts the blame on you rather than her. Then she's free to say ' my mum says I have to go home, she's so mean...'

honestasever · 03/11/2024 23:11

Just leave it

Ok, vaping is not great but you know, in the grand scheme of things…… It’s not like they’re having sex or taking drugs.
Nothing bad will come of it.
Reassure your DD.

WomenInConstruction · 03/11/2024 23:11

Some things are best left alone.

If you intervene it will achieve nothing in all likelihood. Apart from some family arguments in the various households.

Likely the children involved will identify who let the cat out of the bag, your dd's life will be miserable and if the girls are not just experimenting, will likely just carry on more carefully.

Just tell her you're glad she was able to confide in you, as you would hate her to be wrestling difficult situations alone... But that you won't tell the other parents... Not because you condone it, but because it would achieve very little... But could cause a lot of social difficulties for her or even you, as no one likes to hear bad news and you can't control how they'll take it.

Tell her that the parents will likely discover it themselves if they make a habit of it as they will smell it, and that's the best way for them to find out and deal with it. If it's not a habit, then though it's not good, teens experimenting is common, normal and won't necessarily lead to a bad lifestyle.

If it was life or death you might make a different decision, but life is full of shades of grey.

Tell her if she's ever in a situation she's uncomfortable with you'll happily get her out... Agree a code word she can send that causes you to call and say the cats sick and she's got to come home (or whatever).

honestasever · 03/11/2024 23:13

CoddledAsAMommet · 03/11/2024 23:11

Heres a tip as you parent a teenager - have a password. A normal, every day word or phrase she can text you which you know really means 'I want to come home, come and get me.' Something like 'what's for tea tomorrow?', 'how's the dog?' Etc. Then you text back saying that she has to come home, something has happened... puts the blame on you rather than her. Then she's free to say ' my mum says I have to go home, she's so mean...'

I agree, always did this with mine

WomenInConstruction · 03/11/2024 23:14

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2024 23:07

That was my first instinct to but she said that she "sort of" wants me to tell their mothers, but "sort of" doesnt. I asked her to think about it and whatever she wants to do, I will do.

I did say that she should think about telling her friends how it made her feel and that she wont go to anymore sleepovers if they are going to do it again. She was very receptive to that.

Take the lead.

Don't make her make that decision. Let her know it's ok not to take a stance on this.

It's also ok, to diplomaticly avoid this activity without telling her friends how it made her feel, which could just make them feel judged.

sprigatito · 03/11/2024 23:15

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2024 23:07

That was my first instinct to but she said that she "sort of" wants me to tell their mothers, but "sort of" doesnt. I asked her to think about it and whatever she wants to do, I will do.

I did say that she should think about telling her friends how it made her feel and that she wont go to anymore sleepovers if they are going to do it again. She was very receptive to that.

She sounds like a really lovely girl. I think you're right to be guided by her, but maybe have a good chat about the possible social consequences of telling their parents, just in case she hasn't thought that through.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2024 23:18

Oh I am an old hand at the teenagers thing! She is the youngest of 6 but the only one who is ND. She knows the "nose bleed protocol" as we call it. She is famous amongst her friends and our family for her nose bleeds so if she wants an emergency pick up she says "oh, I think I have a nosebleed coming" and then texts me the same.

But she didnt in this case and when I asked why she said she didnt know. I think it was because, apart from the vaping thing, she was having a good time.

ETA
I think it was keeping the secret that has weighed heavy on her over the weekend, rather than at the time.

OP posts:
StrawberryKebab · 03/11/2024 23:18

Phew it could have been so much worse and you know your daughter didn’t join in. For your daughters sake as children can be so cruel
and horrible online as well as off I’d say nothing to no one.

2Sensitive · 03/11/2024 23:20

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2024 23:07

That was my first instinct to but she said that she "sort of" wants me to tell their mothers, but "sort of" doesnt. I asked her to think about it and whatever she wants to do, I will do.

I did say that she should think about telling her friends how it made her feel and that she wont go to anymore sleepovers if they are going to do it again. She was very receptive to that.

In reality if you tell, there will be trouble.
So- decide whether you want your daughter to be involved in cattiness or not

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2024 23:23

Its hard for me as her (also ND) mother.

On the one hand I would want to know, and I feel that I have a responsibility to tell the other parents.

But on the other, my main responsibility is to DD and wont do anything that will make her life even harder. But, I think that my initial instinct (do nothing and keep it under my hat) is right, so thank you for confirming that. I will feel guilty though.

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 03/11/2024 23:26

I would praise her for not joining in, and having the courage to be the only one not vaping. In a few years, it will be alcohol and sex and could be drugs. That I was proud of her for not caving in to any pressure and setting an example to other girls to only do what you are comfortable with.

I would thank her for telling you, and tell her it’s just between the two of you. You would only tell friends’ parents if you and she both agree something she saw meant her friend could be in serious danger.

I would say she can tell you anything and you will still always love her and be there for her.

mollyfolk · 03/11/2024 23:27

I'd do nothing here too. It's normal teenage shenanigans. It's not like they did something extremely serious or disclosed something that you absolutely must pass on.

Don't let your DD decide what to do. Friends don't tell their mum toto say stuff to their parents that was supposed to be kept a secret between them. Obviously there are other times where you would need to tell and it's this nuance that is a social skill.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2024 23:29

LoremIpsumCici · 03/11/2024 23:26

I would praise her for not joining in, and having the courage to be the only one not vaping. In a few years, it will be alcohol and sex and could be drugs. That I was proud of her for not caving in to any pressure and setting an example to other girls to only do what you are comfortable with.

I would thank her for telling you, and tell her it’s just between the two of you. You would only tell friends’ parents if you and she both agree something she saw meant her friend could be in serious danger.

I would say she can tell you anything and you will still always love her and be there for her.

Yeah, all of that.

I told her how proud I was of her for telling me even though she felt bad doing it. She is a huge Potterhead and I reminded her of what Dumbledore said that sometimes you have to choose between what is easy and what is right. And she laughed and agreed.

She is mature beyond her year and peers in many ways, I think due to her older siblings. And she stands her ground. If she says no, then its a no and always will be.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/11/2024 23:34

I think this is a good thing for her… so outside of the vaping she had a good time with these girls. There was not (I’m assuming you would have mentioned it) any fallout from her not participating.

this is what you should stress with her. She had a boundary and stuck to it and they appear to have respected it. All had a good time…job done in my opinion.

I would let it go.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 03/11/2024 23:39

andfinallyhereweare · 03/11/2024 23:03

Do nothing, your daughter didn’t vape. Your involvement stops there. Talk to your daughter about how some people make the wrong choice. Your daughter has a life ahead of her of watching her mates do silly things.

Yes, exactly.

OP, did none of your friends smoke when you were 13?!

BPR · 03/11/2024 23:41

OP, don't say a word.
It is none of your business.
Your daughter isn't interested and that is your responsibility.
It will blow up so badly if you say a word and to say you will bitterly regret it is an understatement.
You cannot say a word to other parents about what their children are doing if you want your child to have friends.
Your daughter will pay a huge price for you saying anything.
Far better for your daughter to be able to tell you stuff and trust you.
And vaping is the least of it, to be honest.
My daughters friends all vaped for a bit, 3/4 no longer do.
My daughter tried it but wasn't interested.
Of course she tried it.
I tried one to see what tge fuss was about and they really are a disgrace.
Totally geared towards children.
And the cost of them too.

Remaker · 03/11/2024 23:43

I wouldn’t tell the other parents. It won’t end well for your DD. Ultimately she made the right choice not to participate and that is what matters.

My DD had an experience at 11 where some girls were watching p*rn at a sleepover. None of them owned a phone but one of the mums sent her DD with an old phone in case she got homesick (FFS!). DD pretended she wasn’t feeling well and locked herself in the bathroom. Ultimately the girl with the phone confessed to her mum so it wasn’t DD who got them in trouble but because she hadn’t participated DD lost her best friend and was kicked out of her little friend group for about half of yr 6. That was a tough lesson in what can happen if you resist peer pressure. Thankfully her high school friends are a very intelligent and tolerant bunch who don’t need everyone to be the same.

Spinet · 03/11/2024 23:48

I would make a point of thanking her for telling you too.

RosesAndHellebores · 04/11/2024 00:01

Well done for deciding not to tell their mothers.

But crikey, I was expecting it to be a disclosure of sexual abuse, significant self harm or ecstacy.

At 13/14 we were smoking, a little further away from the bike sheds. I honestly don't think vaping is that big a deal.

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