What if they don’t want to be found?

[JoannaGroats]

I belong to a regional “memories of yesteryear” type Facebook group. It’s mostly pictures of well known locations, long gone venues and other such reminiscences. However, every so often there are posts along the lines of “I’m desperate to trace my brother/half-sister/cousin who I haven’t seen since 1982; last known address 27 Livingston Road, Nine Oaks. She used to work at NatWest bank in Bromford back when I last saw her”.

People are always very keen to help, suggesting other groups they may belong to, could you contact HR at NatWest’s head office. I can see why - it feels like a nice thing to do; people love the idea of a happy ending. But some of it feels a bit insensitive and pushy to me. People tagging others saying “@Mavis Johnson didn’t you have a cousin called Phillippa? Could this be her?!” or even posting screenshots of people in other groups. “Have you been to her last address? I know you’ve probably written, but maybe they didn’t get the letter…” “Can you make this shareable so I can post it to XYZ group?”

I read these posts and, while I feel for the people involved, I can’t help thinking “But why haven’t they been in touch since 1982?” I can see how more casual friends might simply lose touch - especially years back before social media - but when we’re talking siblings or other family members, it seems more difficult to believe that they just “drifted apart” and forgot to share new addresses. There are also more likely to be other people you could ask if you need contact details.

What if these people simply don’t want to be found, only for well-meaning but oblivious people to start sharing ways to track them down? I always wonder how many people were/are contacted by programmes like Surprise Surprise and Long Lost Family and have to say that they don’t want to be involved. (I remember reading an interview with Davina McCall where she said it happens quite often.) But at least that’s all done behind the scenes. With these posts, I feel like anyone can just wade in saying “I know an Eve Walker who’d be about the right age, lives in Blackley - could this be her?”

Maybe I’m just overthinking it. But is it a bit inappropriate?

Yes, YANBU. As you say, you never know why someone got out of touch.

I agree, I've seen a few posts like this and I'd never give out someone's location, contact details etc - like you say you don't know why they lost contact. Worse case scenario is they could've tried to escape abuse and start afresh. If I recognised someone in a post like this I'd always go to them and say please be aware so-and-so is trying to find you.

I agree and in most circumstances I see it's from well meaning younger people who don't understand the deeper meanings as to why families lose touch etc.... or they don't see why they shouldn't naively tag auntie mavis .......or it's from the much older generation on Facebook who are loving the memories and have no idea of the etiquette on Facebook. It's the same generation that see a dog lost in "shelves way" nowhere town,London.... and then put it on their wall and reply "shared Manchester x".

(I'm 50 plus by the way so fall I neither category!!).

There is a lady on my local FB pages who repeatedly, unbelievably repeatedly is looking for her adopted daughter. It's a very sad story, on her part, I get it. But equally she can't see the other side of the coin that both her DD might not want to be found and we don't know her DD from the vague details... we can't help her either.

Worse case scenario is they could've tried to escape abuse and start afresh.

This is exactly the sort of thing that worries me when I see these posts!

I worked with the Missing People charity a few years ago, on their helpline and a surprising number of calls were from people who had seen the MP posters about them and didn't want to be "found". The police also quite often refused the charity permission to highlight a particular person's disappearance (all publicity has to approved by the police), as they had inside knowledge around why the person might have left.
Having said that though it still left families heartbroken, as although the reasons for not reconnecting might be clear to the missing individual, they weren't always to the family.

I don't know whether is a still thing because I never buy The Big Issue these days but back in the 1990s it used to run an item every week whereby 4 people were featured. People that had gone missing or walked out on their lives,sometimes years and years ago. It gave brief detail about the person and would say who it was that was worried about them . And it always made it clear that if the missing person got in touch they would never pass their current whereabouts or details on to anybody unless the missing person wanted this to happen. All they would do would be tell the person or people who were concerned for their welfare that they were alive and alright.
I thought this was a really sensitive and decent approach. Because OP ,as you say ,nobody knows why people lose contact with other people and very many probably don't want anything to do with their old lives or friends or family

This was mentioned on my last safeguarding training day. Case study was a child in foster care, had been removed from their birth family due to abuse. The birth family posted photos of her on these types of social media groups and were eventually able to track her down. The issues discussed in that segment were around information sharing, even when well-intentioned, and being mindful of wider implications.

I see those posts on local FB pages too, and always want to post a warning about giving information without the person's permission. But I haven't been brave enough, yet. I probably should though.

Oh that's awful, I guess the child might have had to move to a new foster family and maybe school too because of that. Awful situation for the youngster.

YANBU.
I always think the same with Facebook "missing child" posts. You don't know who is actually posting and why they're trying to find that child, who may not be missing at all.

Unless it's an official appeal from the police, I would never give any information.

I always think this, but I suspect I’ll get responses about how unkind I’m being when people just want to find their families 😕

if I knew the person being sought, I wouldn’t give out their details, but inform them that their cousin/schoolfriend etc was looking for them.

There used to be an organisation that advertised on the Tube that would pass on messages from 'missing' people to their families. It was promoted as a way to let your family know you were OK without having to be in direct contact.

The Salvation Army traces missing people, or people who have lost contact with family, but if or when they find the person, they won't pass on information without the person's consent.

A few years ago I was contacted twice by a researcher from a tv programme that reunites old friends. I don't know what the programme was because it's not the sort of thing I watch. Anyway, it seems that my best friend from infants school had been wanting to find me to reunite. I hadn't seen her since we were 8, which was at that point approximately 40 years earlier. I'm a socially awkward introvert and I really had no interest in reconnecting so I just told them it wasn't my sort of thing and thankfully I never heard anything else about it. At the time I found it stressful and intrusive.

I always say to my chap that if we ever won the lottery and could afford to move, I would love to disappear and not tell any family or friends where we'd gone.

Did your charity inform the family that the missing person had been in touch? I imagine in some cases the MP might not even want that information passed on.

There was a "missing teenager" post on a local FB group a few months back, saying how worried the mother and stepfather and family were about their 17 year old girl.

Lots of suggestions saying she'd been seen at X bus stop etc, and then the teen herself responded saying they were all selfish hypocrites, mentioning their poor treatment of her, and how she was now safe and wanted no further contact, and that she was "finally safe and free".

No idea what the true story was but it certainly shut down the increasingly wild speculation. I do hope she was safe, and not in a worse situation.

@Delphiniumandlupins No not if they didn't want us to.The focus on respecting the missing person's wishes was paramount - much more than I was expecting going into the role actually.

I moved away from where I used to live and came off all SM (apart from MN!).

My sister messaged me to say people were posting on FB trying to find me some years later. I asked her to PM the OP, tell them I was alive and well but didn't want to be disturbed and to remove their post. She did and they did.

I completely agree and wish there was more understanding around this

Yanbu I would hate for my pictures to be thrown around these groups when there is usually a very good reason I'm not talking to someone from my year 7 french class.

I have known a few people over the years whose families have reported them missing/ tried to find them but they themselves didn’t actually want to be tracked down or to re-establish contact. They have all been people who suffer with mh problems, and are in and out of hospitals/ institutions/ temporary accommodation. They had their reasons for not wanting contact and others should accept that. I think people are very naive or thoughtless to do what you’re describing. They have no idea what the circumstances are and shouldn’t be posting other people’s information like that.

I do agree with you, OP.

This is where social media can be a problem and people just don't understand or don't think. To be fair, many of those responding might believe that they are doing something good, but there are many, many reasons why someone might have gone to ground, why they might not want to be found. I know of some dreadful family situations where I can really understand why this might happen - escaping abuse, violent breakup if a marriage etc.

I'd never give out anyone's personal details even if I did recognise them (unless the approach came from the police). I wouldn't want people giving mine out willy-nilly either.

I do watch programmes like Long Lost Family and do enjoy to hem. However, I am sure that there must be much more behind the scenes, and cases that do not make it onto the screens because they find people not wanting to be found for various reasons.

I find this such an interesting mindset. I can’t necessarily relate. This isn’t meant to shame you. But do you think you might not feel guilty? And what would be the attraction - why is it hard having friends and family?

I can understand wanting to cut certain people off - I’ve cut quite a few out the past few years and my circle of tolerance is getting smaller the older I get. But I always need / want friends and family outside of my partner, even if they are sometimes annoying or stressful.

Do you think it was shame driving them to not want people to know their stories?

the one person I know that did this did have very bad mental health issues, and almost hated anyone knowing that - would get extremely angry at any hint of concern of people wanting to help.

not sure it did her any favours cutting herself off tho. Last I heard she had a cocaine problem and was actively planning suicide; tho not sure it ever happened (she also liked to tell tall stories to worry people and then would get angry when people reacted)

Having said that though it still left families heartbroken, as although the reasons for not reconnecting might be clear to the missing individual, they weren't always to the family

unfortunately despite my family being completely clear about why I had to come off sm, change ph no, leave job and move house they still went ahead and blabbed to anyone they liked what my new number was and that’s the building I always use as a landmark when I’m explaining where you live

some families and/or friends know perfectly well why someone has went nc - but are just so self-absorbed they think no reason, including that of bodily safety, could ever be as important as their desire to be in touch, know all, and broadcast what they like

thank you to all the ppl on thread who ‘get it’ and thwart or avoid these narcissistic nosy parkers