What if they don’t want to be found?

[JoannaGroats]

I belong to a regional “memories of yesteryear” type Facebook group. It’s mostly pictures of well known locations, long gone venues and other such reminiscences. However, every so often there are posts along the lines of “I’m desperate to trace my brother/half-sister/cousin who I haven’t seen since 1982; last known address 27 Livingston Road, Nine Oaks. She used to work at NatWest bank in Bromford back when I last saw her”.

People are always very keen to help, suggesting other groups they may belong to, could you contact HR at NatWest’s head office. I can see why - it feels like a nice thing to do; people love the idea of a happy ending. But some of it feels a bit insensitive and pushy to me. People tagging others saying “@Mavis Johnson didn’t you have a cousin called Phillippa? Could this be her?!” or even posting screenshots of people in other groups. “Have you been to her last address? I know you’ve probably written, but maybe they didn’t get the letter…” “Can you make this shareable so I can post it to XYZ group?”

I read these posts and, while I feel for the people involved, I can’t help thinking “But why haven’t they been in touch since 1982?” I can see how more casual friends might simply lose touch - especially years back before social media - but when we’re talking siblings or other family members, it seems more difficult to believe that they just “drifted apart” and forgot to share new addresses. There are also more likely to be other people you could ask if you need contact details.

What if these people simply don’t want to be found, only for well-meaning but oblivious people to start sharing ways to track them down? I always wonder how many people were/are contacted by programmes like Surprise Surprise and Long Lost Family and have to say that they don’t want to be involved. (I remember reading an interview with Davina McCall where she said it happens quite often.) But at least that’s all done behind the scenes. With these posts, I feel like anyone can just wade in saying “I know an Eve Walker who’d be about the right age, lives in Blackley - could this be her?”

Maybe I’m just overthinking it. But is it a bit inappropriate?

Some years ago, something happened - I can't now remember what the actual incident was - and police gave out a number for people to call if they were concerned about relatives who might have been caught up in it.

It turned out later people were reporting concerns about neighbours, work colleagues etc for no reason other than they maybe hadn't seen them for a couple of days, not that they had reason to think the people might have been in the area in question. Meanwhile the supposedly 'missing' people had maybe just gone away for the weekend and their families knew perfectly well where they were.

Must have wasted a lot of police time dealing with it.

I think it's because if they listened to my point then they couldn't post all over the post trying to be super helpful.

The number of people who'll post a screen shot of various Facebook profiles saying "what about this Mary Smith? She looks the right age?" or "this Maggie Jones works in x city which isn't far from y place you mentioned".

They all want to be the hero that solves the mystery and get defensive if anyone points out that they might actually be assisting someone deeply unpleasant.

I completely agree with you, OP.

I have 2 adopted children who were removed due to neglect and abuse. Their pictures were never circulated like this but I know people who had to deal with it. And even worse, people who go into witness protection are often still chased by gangsters, murderous fathers angry that their daughter fled an arranged marriage etc and they are at extreme risk of these "trying to find my brother/sister/ex neighbour" type appeals.

Basically people should only share police approved posts. A local Facebook group could put a stop to these posts - contact admin and explain the issues.

I often wonder about this. Some really valid points raised around why people might wish to stay “lost”

I don’t think it’s necessary to override someone’s ‘want’ need to stay ‘lost’ safe as PP put it

if you think someone is in danger, dying or dead report it to the cops shit as they are for a welfare check or investigation

not to fucking facebook or MN Miss Marples or a private dick or the local rag

and side note to say if someone tells you no photos or they prefer not to give out address or ph no etc then fgs have a bit of sense and respect that

you may be nosy but it ain’t your nose (or worse) that might get broken because you blabbed all over sm

I remember a number of years ago a local newspaper published details of a loving wife who had gone missing & her poor husband wanted to find her.. which he did, at a refuge, & killed her..

This is sad. And scary!