To feel like I just can’t do this job anymore?

[cannyyo]

I have a 19 month old daughter and been back at work since she was one. I am a corporate lawyer and to be honest have only just about been keeping up with things since being back. I have to work late every weekend just to get the bare minimum done. I can’t stay late anymore as I have to collect dd from nursery before it closes. Then I have to be a mother which work don’t seem to get. I have time to do housework at weekend when dd is with her dad so that side of things is ok. But I just can’t cope with the pressure. I’m also feeling horrendous if I have to collect her with a temperature then have to explain myself at work etc. I’m the only one now in the team with a nursery age child. I honestly can’t sleep well and feel exhausted. As a single parent I can’t go part time. I feel terrified I am going to fuck up as I’m so exhausted all the time. I keep thinking should I call in sick for two weeks but then I would just be more behind and also look like a weak link. Just don’t know what to do

hopeful bump

Didn’t want to read and run OP. I’m a high street lawyer and after my first child I took about 2-3years to hit my stride again. That was with a supportive partner so I have no idea how you’re coping! Is there any flexibility re WFH or compressed hours? Can you get a cleaner or outsource some home stuff to make life easier? Sending a big hug.

@Atomikkitty thanks, I do have some flexibility but I can tell they don’t like it being used much as nobody else in the team has to. I can’t afford any additional help as even with some free hours I am crippled with the cost of childcare. I feel like every moment I am struggling to keep up either and home or at work, so unhappy.

Something needs to give otherwise you're going to experience burnout. Don't do what I did and keep on going for 4 years then experienced a mental health crisis. No shame in getting signed off for a little while to give yourself some breathing space x

Are you paid for being off sick? You really do sound frazzled so perhaps a week or two off to get yourself back on track would help? Something needs to change so make a list of any possible help you could ask for, parents/siblings/friends? If you could free up some cash for a cleaner for a few hours a week, could you relax and catch up on work while DD is out? Can her dad have her more or overnight so you get a rest? Something needs to give or you will make yourself ill x

How much do you earn, OP? And what does the child’s dad contribute?

What’s the situation with your DD’s dad and custody arrangements? He has her every weekend? Can you maybe change that somehow so you get some respite in the week from pick-up from childcare?

Do you live close to any family support, or if not, is it possible to move to get some?

What’s your career progression - will your salary go up making it easier (and is her dad paying what he should for child maintenance?) or do you think you might prefer a career change to something less stressful?

To answer some questions…

He doesn’t have her every weekend, every other weekend.

i earn 58k. Don’t earn enough for a cleaner. Ex pays maintenance but it is the bare minimum of 245 a month. He pays for her things when with her. He can’t have her in the week as he works nights mostly and the shift pattern just won’t work

It's a really hard time OP, I've been there and it's so stressful to juggle it all. I used to dread seeing nursery calling my phone to say they needed picking up.

Firstly, it does get easier. It won't feel like this forever.

Secondly, the thing that helped me the most was to stop giving a fuck what people thought of me. Got to leave to pick the kids up - do it and don't give a moments thought what they think at work. Doing the bare minimum - so what, it's not forever. Tired - call in sick. Don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Seriously, once you let go of the pressure you're putting on yourself you'll operate so much better. And I can guarantee no one actually cares as much about you as you think they do.

I suggest going in-house or getting a knowledge lawyer job. You need to prioritise stability and work life balance. You're going to need to get home at a decent time for the foreseeable future.

I wpuld look into flexible working and working from home policies and see if you can apply for them. Make sure you are in a union as well which I feel is imperative.

I have no suggestions OP and I honestly don’t know how you can improve.

This is not remotely a dig at you, but why does the child’s father get to opt out of parenting pretty much just because it wouldn’t suit his work hours? It doesn’t suit your work hours either but you have no choice!

Do you have a supportive family somewhere and can you move closer to them? I don’t think this situation is really sustainable for you and you will just burn out at some point

First of all, you are doing amazingly well! 19 months is a tough age, and doing it on your own whilst working in such a high pressure job is not for the faint hearted.

The way I see it, taking time off when my DC is ill, working flexibly and being strict with my time is paving the way for the mothers that will come after me. Normalising the motherhood, introducing dual career families into the mix, standing up to the patriarchy. A bit pretentious but helps with the impostor syndrome...

Good god, as someone working in a totally different field this sounds absolutely inhumane. I would say get out any which way you can. Is all of law like this? Can you work as a lawyer in a different type of business where there is a better culture? Eg as a lawyer for a university? I have no idea but OP this is NOT you, it's your job and the people being absolutely clueless.

Can you afford a nanny? I had a live out, part time one. Would have gone insane without

OP this is totally shit of your firm given the focus on burnout right now after the thing with that Pinsents partner. Welllbeing is a big focus I thought at most firms and so is stuff like including women, work life balance etc etc. Whereabouts are you based? Have you looked at other roles?

the thing that helped me the most was to stop giving a fuck what people thought of me. Got to leave to pick the kids up - do it and don't give a moments thought what they think at work. Doing the bare minimum - so what, it's not forever. Tired - call in sick. Don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Seriously, once you let go of the pressure you're putting on yourself you'll operate so much better. And I can guarantee no one actually cares as much about you as you think they do.

In the short term, you MUST internalise this advice. It basically doesn’t matter if you can ‘tell they don’t like it’ WRT flexible working or any other policy that exists to protect you from discrimination and make your life possible. You are entitled. They cannot legally do anything to stop you. If they do they’re in a world of trouble.

In the longer term, you need to be in a more supportive working environment for the next 15 years. If this employer and area of law is not it, you don’t have to be the trailblazer to make it work. Leave that to the women with supportive partners and more resources to change the game. For you, you need a job you can feel fulfilled and successful in whilst also being a full-time single parent. What area of law can you go into that will give you that? Where can you move that will offer you lower cost of living? Etc.

Find a job in house. Your pay is not great for private sector, and I'm sure you could find a junior in house role at a comparable or higher salary (and therefore without the regular weekend and evening working).

Have a look for a role along these sorts of lines...

www.linkedin.com/jobs/view/4051778424

That one is in Bristol but roles London based / hybrid roles come up fairly regularly.

It will pay well and be much more predictable in hours (still busy and a lot expected from you but you will have more autonomy and be able to plan ahead). Roles like this are also more amenable to part time working. And you can go back to fee earning in a couple of years if you wanted to do.

In the meantime, consider getting signed off sick with stress for a couple of weeks to regroup. They will also tread more carefully with you when you get back.

I'm currently a government lawyer in a management role. I've worked in private practice. I once had a job where incredibly long hours were expected. I worked late nights and most of thne weekend. I did it for a year and I was wreck at the end of it. My children were grown up and my husband was holding the fort at home and we did have a cleaner. I was barely keeping on top of the work load.

My current job nobody blinks at people leaving early to pick up children or even being away with a sick child, the work is largely manageable in an ordinary working week and we can work from home for a couple of days a week. I could probably earn a bit more in private practice but with a lot more hours and stress. Now I am not in the UK but there must be less stressful jobs in law in the UK. I think you should look for a less stressful job perhaps in government. My advice is to steer clear of litigation.

Been there, done that @cannyyo .
It absolutely does get better but that's no consolation now and it can't get better if you burn out in the interim.

1. Stop worrying whether your firm/colleagues 'like' it, some law firms are so backwards when it comes to employee welfare that it's laughable.
2. Make a career plan for the next two years, how many PQE are you? What's your next move? Having a longer term plan will make this week's drama slightly less all or nothing.
3. Speak to your child's Father. Explain that the current set up isn't working, don't ask. Just tell him there will be an adjustment, he can ask for flexible working as a parent. Even if he does nursery pick up and has the child for an hour or two one night a week, that's one night you can stay later to put some facetime in, which will make leaving on time every other night feel less stressful.
4. Prioritise your health, are you run down? Deficient in anything? Drinking enough water? Getting enough sleep? Managing any exercise? The anxiety and stress of being a lawyer are 10 times worse if you're not 100% fit and well.
5. Ask yourself who you'd most resent if you crashed and burned out of this job. Your Ex? The firm? Whoever it is, that's where change needs to come from.
6. Outsource and automate everything, if necessary reduce what you're putting into a pension. Cleaner, standing order supermarket delivery, Amazon subscription for anything that doesn't come from the supermarket, one weekend go online and buy presents and cards for everyone you buy for for the next year, find an ironing service. Those things are not luxuries, they're what enable you to work.
7. If you are not enjoying your work, even without the extra stress, think about a change. A different practice area, going in-house, Civil Service.
8. Against the above: if you love your area and want to stay in it be very wary of derailing your career into the Mummytrack. If this is what you really want to do then go us on getting through not getting out.
9. Is your salary competitive?

I got through it be telling myself that the priority was me being able to be a good enough parent and a good enough lawyer. Everything else had to service those two goals. What I earned had to pay for things to allow me to be those two things. What I did with my time had to contribute to those two things. Gym? Yes, because I can't work well without being fit. Cleaner? Yes, because it's more important to spend three hours with my child than cleaning. Supermarket delivery? Yes, more important for my child to spend time going swimming with me than walking around a supermarket.

You can get through this ( you wouldn't have made it this far in your career if you didn't have the ability). You just need to treat it like a matter, plan your advice and then apply it to yourself.
Good Luck

Thanks everyone.

Those asking about a nanny or cleaner, I just can’t afford it at the moment. @DameCelia I don’t know whether they are being reasonable or not. It’s just a sense I get that I am seen as the weaker link as I have childcare responsibilities immediately from the moment the working day ends. My boss also said to me that he wants to ‘increase the pressure’ so I can get a good case for a salary increase next year. The thing is I am already meeting targets with billing and only just manabhung. I don’t want or need more pressure in my opinion, which just reinforces the feeling they see me as not as good as I am not 100% able to avoid being slightly flexible with my hours as everyone else can in the team as they have nowhere else to be or or have a supportive partner or husband. It makes me feeling really shit and adds to my stress. I don’t feel comfortable moving jobs right now either as dd still so little. I don’t know what is best really

Unless you are v junior, or in a regional firm, I’m shocked at how low your salary is (for corporate).

When I read this I was thinking oof how hard to do as a single parent but imagining you were on ££££.

The only people I know who stayed in corporate law did it with a nanny, but they were earning much more than you to be able to afford it.

The rest all moved into PSL or in house roles. It’s so hard being client facing or doing litigation and expecting to do a 9-5 only. Especially because in law ‘9-5’ is seen as slacking, which is ridiculous.

The age your child is at is tricky because of the lack of sleep, that side does get easier eventually, but I don’t think the work life challenge ever really does because the juggle is even harder once they’re at school.

I think the only way to manage is to stop apologising and do what you can and refuse to stress about what you can’t control. If that’s untenable or not enough for your partners you’ll know soon enough!

There is a life outside of the law firm grind, would you consider a different role ?

@Muthaofcats a comparable firm would be Shakespeare martinu or TLT. I feel like they are taking the piss but then I have some security of having worked there several years. It’s bleak and I feel like I’m failing in every area of my life

OP I'm a partner in a boutique City firm, I'm heavily involved in our remuneration offering so fairly decent awareness of what the market is doing.

I completely echo what several PPs have said:

(1) salary feels low for anything other than really junior PQE (I.e. one or two years) even in the regions

(2) your firm's attitude to working hours, flexibility etc is way off what plenty of other places are moving towards these days - your manager's comment about increasing pressure for better pay is particularly crass

(3) value yourself and make a move to in-house or PSL - I know a job move is huge but you've said yourself if things don't change where you are you can't keep doing it so ...