To feel like I just can’t do this job anymore?

[cannyyo]

I have a 19 month old daughter and been back at work since she was one. I am a corporate lawyer and to be honest have only just about been keeping up with things since being back. I have to work late every weekend just to get the bare minimum done. I can’t stay late anymore as I have to collect dd from nursery before it closes. Then I have to be a mother which work don’t seem to get. I have time to do housework at weekend when dd is with her dad so that side of things is ok. But I just can’t cope with the pressure. I’m also feeling horrendous if I have to collect her with a temperature then have to explain myself at work etc. I’m the only one now in the team with a nursery age child. I honestly can’t sleep well and feel exhausted. As a single parent I can’t go part time. I feel terrified I am going to fuck up as I’m so exhausted all the time. I keep thinking should I call in sick for two weeks but then I would just be more behind and also look like a weak link. Just don’t know what to do

@mrsmalcolmreynolds thanks. I feel like most in house roles are for people with a commercial and drafting background. I have only ever really done corporate and then also a bit of litigation. I’m not sure I would be attractive for in house.

I'm not that familiar with what background a general in-house role might be after, but I'd have thought if you're in a reasonably sized regional hub there ought to be some variety - worth a chat to an agent? Others with more direct experience will hopefully be able to say more.

What also comes across to me in your posts is a real lack of self-confidence and self-worth - you use a lot of very self-deprecating language. I don't know if this is (understandably) linked to the stress and pressure you are currently under or goes back before you had your baby. Either way, it is so so likely that you have more options than you think- you feel trapped, but in reality you will have loads of skills and attributes that can open other avenues.

I went from corporate (mid tier) to in house when I was about 7 years pqe. Was tough for a year or so as I learnt some new skills around commercial contract drafting, but then I got into the flow. Although you have to learn to always feel a bit uncomfortable as an in house lawyer as in house is pretty much a constant stream of working outside of your comfort zone.

Have a look at the market. See what's out there. I'm on quite an aggressive recruitment drive at the moment and even my most junior roles are paid higher than yours, in fact we recently recruited a 1 year pqe (London based but significant home working) at more than your salary.

Look for a different job. You need more money bluntly. And more flexibility. You need to fund the outsourcing to let you work and be a mum without guilt. Nannies are expensive yes, but what are you paying for childcare? What's the difference ? Could you compress your hours, do 4 days a week and use the nanny for those days? If not what about a nanny share. Or a childminder may have more flexibility. Any family help? Cleaner, meal service, online food shop.

Something’s got to give, you already know that. I wouldn’t advise looking for a new job as you don’t know if it will be better or worse than your current job, and learning the ropes in a new firm will be exhausting in itself.
I would suggest doing the minimum at work for a while - they can’t get rid of you as long as you’re not seriously underperforming (or you can claim discrimination). Then reduce your hours even if for half a day a week. Taking that time to have a sleep, for example, will reallly help, and wont impact your income too much

@cannyyo have you considered having any coaching? I appreciate money is very tight (and I agree with PP, your salary feels low) but an investment in staying in your career is an investment in your child. There are some good law focused coaches who could help you think about your lack of self confidence as well as how to deal with your current firm.
As well as coaching, have you considered finding a mentor? Does your firm have a mentoring program? Is there anyone you know professionally who you could approach?

Giving up your career now because of the culture at one firm and the age of your child seems drastic.

Thanks. I was going to suggest this, Can dad have the baby a night a week? Or auntie or granny?

You’re not failing at all; it’s simply impossible. I genuinely don’t know anyone doing it unless that’s all they’re doing (ie the other parent is taking the hit on their career or stay at home).

Are your partners the kind you could have an honest conversation with about how to make it work? I ask because some friends I have just took the situation to their boss who didn’t want to lose them so found a way to make it work. One of them now works term time only (god knows how) and the other moved into a knowledge position. I know in other firms there is no way you could imagine having this sort of dialogue with the partners, and if this is your firm; I do wonder if you might want to revisit your firm conviction that you can’t leave for something else ?

how many years pqe are you?

Yes I did suggest to OP eventually leaving but I can see how changing job requires a whole extra level of energy ahead might just not have right now.

in this case I would also agree to do the bare minimum to get by, which is hard in law, but I realsie a lot of my stress in law was because I gave too much thought to what others thought of me

I wanted to comment on this as I am a solicitor too. Either we work for the same firm or it’s just pretty standard behaviour for law firms because I feel exactly the same. My DC is 2, and my firm say they care but ultimately they don’t.

I have to go into the office a set number of days a week (and there’s very little flex on which days they are), I have a target of 8 hours per day (not including a lunch break) so by the time you’ve factored in a commute in rush hour, a nursery drop off it’s an 10 hour day not taking into account time for eating, getting ready, doing any exercise (or any form of self care) etc. My DS is only awake 12 hours a day. And, of course, that’s just to do the minimum of what is expected of me. They pile on the pressure, make me feel guilty for wanting a life and to see my family - they constantly ask me to go to events in the evening etc as ‘business development’. I’m constantly compared to the juniors in my team but yet none of them have kids and are seemingly willing to dedicate every hour to work.

To be completely honest, I’ve struggled on for too long and I can’t do it anymore. I have a DH at home too, and he does 50% of everything outside of work (child care, washing, cooking etc). We have a cleaner but unless you have a nanny (I don’t want that, I want to be with my DS) I don’t see how it can work (certainly not at my firm). Life has thrown some serious rubbish our way, I’ve got to a point where if I don’t stop I’m going to have a break down. Maybe, in time, it would get easier, but I’m not willing to take that risk as ultimately I’ll still have targets to meet!

I think when you work in law it’s easy to get trapped (the money, the status etc) but there is life outside of it. I’d seriously explore other options or as others have said, if you do enjoy it, why don’t you consider going in house (even if there is some element of retraining) or a PSL type role?

Sending hugs OP, I completely get it. It is so tough.

Trying to stop caring what people think is the only way to survive at this.

Its tough - going from the bright young thing to feeling like people might slag you off for not pulling your weight.

But just try not to care. It won’t be like this forever