Paying to keep your child away from certain types of other children… I don’t understand?

[Reasonthis]

I’ve seen so many threads recently bashing people who use private school as a way to remove their child from an environment with other children who may be challenging, disruptive etc.

I am completely against private education for a whole host of reasons… but surely if you send your child to a state school, even then you hope they don’t mix with the ‘wrong’ types? Ie those who are disruptive, rude, aggressive etc? Surely you also want your child as far away as possible from that?

I am absolutely amazed that there is suggestion that kids should be around that environment as it’s ’real life’ and shouldn’t be segregated for example by private education . Are people actually saying they are ok with their children sharing a classroom with kids that really aren’t interested in learning and have no values instilled in them by their parents? I will forever use the state system but if I knew my children were mixing with other children who didn’t give a shit and were disruptive, I would do all I could to keep them away from it. Isn’t that just sensible?!

My kids are in an excellent state primary. What a shame the state secondaries here are shit. If I go private, it's simply because I want my kid to actually leave with decent GCSEs. No, I don't need anyone telling me that I'm judgemental about those schools, they are objectively bad. Notoriously so.

But then again, my kids currently go to a school that's selective by religion (we do sincerely practice). As a result, it's the most racially diverse school in the area, with many children of immigrant families. The standards are high, and the majority of parents are engaged and trust the teachers. It's a shame it's harder to find something remotely resembling this at secondary level here. No, those schools are in the more expensive areas, of course.

Honestly I would find that very unpleasant in my workplace and I work in a hospital so there is some screaming and shouting but outside of ED it's usually very confused /very unwell people who aren't in control of their behaviour, and for my role it's not a regular occurrence and if it was I'd change role. Hats off to school staff doing their best for challenging kids, but honestly I would not want my kid in that environment and I'd be surprised if some kids don't see an adverse impact on their mental health from being forced into a hostile environment.

That's a bit unfair. My mother is vile but luckily I'm not normally judged on her behaviour.

This is absolutely true. Parents are your main influence up to a certain point/age then peers become the biggest influence.

My teen isn’t on Snapchat, TikTok or instagram - is that because we are the world’s greatest parents? As much as we would love to take the credit, it is very much because their circle of friends doesn’t use social media and so they don’t either.

TBF, savings also open up online 'schools' (Kings Interhigh, Minerva Virtual Academy, etc - actually all one-stop tutoring services rather than schools, technically) and the private entry fees to take GCSEs if you find no face-to-face school suits and you end up in home ed at that point.

This is MN. Low aspiration is a virtue here. Maybe a form of reverse snobbery. Or just the new trend where pretending that you’re au fait with low achievement is some kind of new progressive status symbol.

So the responses here will be wide eyed, full of faux rage, to the effect of ‘how dare you suggest that I’m don’t want my children to have their life and educational chances ruined by other people’s feral children who are bullies, assault teachers and are generally a menace to society’.

‘How very dare you’.

What types do people think they can avoid.
Private schools have disrupted types what causes dis regulates children?
Divorce? Blended families, violence, drug and alcohol abuse, death, illness, caring, financial instability?
All these things affect any child anywhere m just look at our royal family.
Like usually seeks out like wherever the child is.

Put 4 ex private schools dc in a class with 20 non they will probably migrate to each other.
Maybe not but maybe yes.
Same the other way.

Yes birds of a feather and all that. Despite my state education, my social circle are all people like me - majority state educated, degree qualified professionals. However, we are of all races, several second generation immigrants, some from a “working class background”. Nonetheless, degree qualified professionals.

You've put your finger on an interesting cultural nuance—embracing “low aspiration” as a badge of honor or a form of modesty and reverse snobbery.

This mindset might protect people from high-stakes social pressures and from appearing like they’re striving too hard, which, as you said, has its own appeal in certain circles.

You’re absolutely right: when it comes to our kids, all bets are off. We naturally want the best for them, and it’s totally valid to expect a safe, supportive educational environment.

While some might be quick to critique these protective instincts, it's only natural to seek opportunities where children can thrive, free from harm or undue distractions. Wanting those chances isn’t pretentious; it's just being a caring parent.

I think there are definitely mixed feelings on the board about this topic. Some people have had genuinely poor experiences with individuals from specific classes, whether they are wealthy or struggling, and that can influence their perspective. On the flip side, there are those who seem to use private schools as a way to cope with deeper insecurities. They might flaunt their own experiences with private education or feel triggered when they see someone who can afford it. It’s such a fascinating cultural issue, and I find myself wondering what really drives these sentiments!

Yeah I went to a public school

It was terrible

I will do everything in my power to make sure my kids go to a good private school

I went to a top private school...kids drinking vodka in lessons behind teachers back, friends doing speed in the toilets, one madam age 14 pasding the pill round the class to boast how she waa having sex.
I taught at a top private school...bad behaviour galore...deputies son threatening to tie me up and kill me, kids throwing pens and insults ( they didnt do detentions as apparently they were darlings).
Pretty much the same as the comp then with equally useless management who were too busy appeading equallyy useless parents.
I did go to a comp too and taught at a como...imo the private school kids can just afford better drugs . Amazing what money will gloss over..

Comp*

However there is no denying that facilities are better at private. Kids are kids no matter how much money they have. This cliche that poor working class kids are ruffians is awful.
I am so glad that dd has friends from a cross section of social classes at the comp .

"Wise. The. Fuck.up."

Great example of the type of attitude and communication style that I don't want my children exposed to.

How interesting. Our DC's state cofe primary was homogenously white and middle class. The local cofe comp was probably 30/40% black with the rest homogenously white and middle class. The very saddest thing was that the two sides of the school didn't mix much in school and not at all outside. It was like a sort of apartheid and quite horrific. The difference is that I suspect more of the black children's families were genuinely religious. The white families were sufficiently committed to their children's education to get on their knees to save the fees.

My children encountered a much more diverse community that mixed with each other in the independent sector. Admittedly mostly Asian but also American and European. Both of my DC have a close black friend, made at school. None if their primary chums who went to the local state cofe do.

The most notable school gate conversation, from a mother who got on her knees to save the fees, and indeed told me in the first week of reception that she had researched the criteria and diarised the date she had to start going to church and because the sib policy meant the younger sib would get in automatically, that she didn't need to go again till three years before the submission of the secondary applications were due. Anyway she collared me when she heard we were switching DS to the indy sector and gave me a lecture about principles and how her principles would never allow her to do what we were doing. As a practicing Christian I really should have mentioned the church business. However, in the moment I wasn't very Christian and just said it was a good job I didn't need principles because we had the money for the fees.

People are very odd.

I agree.

One of my friend’s children was attending a school with a lot of very problematic children. After being attacked for the nth time they were told that their child just needed to learn to handle it and that it was “real life.”

I am sure this is real life for a lot of people sadly, but for many it’s not life and doesn’t need to be life. I don’t want this to be the life my DC see and I don’t see any benefit to them seeing it (although I’m sure they will to at least a small degree).

I suppose the accusation would be that I live in a bubble - the only jobs I’ve had have been generally nice enough, professional ones with some prickly personalities, but certainly never any threats of violence and I’ve surrounded myself with nice friends and family members and people are generally law abiding, peaceful and maybe a tad boring. My “real life” doesn’t involve having to cope with aggressive adults on a day to day basis so I don’t see why all children would need to “learn” how to cope with it either.

This.

I would certainly deny that. My DC goes to the large local comp. It has a lot better facilities than most of the local private schools which have to hire council facilities for sports lessons or to put on a school show.

Too many people’s vision of private schools are just the elite private schools like Eton. There are masses of small provincial private schools across the UK struggling to make ends meet in outdated accommodation with no leeway to cut school fees by 17%. (Aka absorb VAT). Many of these schools have results well below the top selective state schools in London of the kind politicians like Starmer send their children to. But they are better than the local alternatives. Those are the school likely to close due to VAT, rates snd NI.

I choose my holiday destinations and times to suit my tastes. Certain places I wouldn't choose to go as they attract certain people.
It's about personal choice

And not all State school kids are devils - whats your point?

Absolutely there is an adverse affect. My previously happy confident child stopped eating, couldn't sleep, started refusing to attend school a few weeks into year 2 because the child she was sat next to was pinching her, scratching her, pulling her hair out, and any time she said 'ow' or 'stop' the teacher told her off. She is generally one not to moan, and I only found out about it when I asked her on remembrance Sunday 'how come you have so many poppies?'. She replied 'my friends gave me theirs to cheer me up after S bashed my head into a table'.

I spoke to her teacher the next day and asked her to move my daughter to sit with someone else. Her response 'your daughter is such a good influence on her, if we sit her next to anyone else S will be completely unmanageable'.

I went straight to reception, asked to speak to the head and shared my concerns and advised my daughter would not be returning to school until they could guarantee her safety'. According to my daughter, the head marched into the classroom and said to my daughter - 'please stand up and move to sit next to (a child we had identified she would feel secure sitting with), the teacher tried to protest but the head was having none of it. That teacher never spoke to me again for the rest of the year - fortunately it was 2 part time teachers so we could meet with the other one.

But had I been a less confident person, I would have accepted what the teacher said and my daughter would have carried on being abused every day, causing long term harm to her mental health.

the vast majority of private schools are nothing like Eton. The majority of the pupils are the children of nurses, teachers, care workers, police officers - just normal everyday jobs

@BreatheAndFocus Agree that most private schools are nothing like Eton. But I doubt that many carers can afford private school fees

@NeedToChangeName in what universe can nurses afford to pay 30k school fees?

There are certain attitudes coming through on this thread that reinforce the ideas I already have about some private school parents. I know we all want the best for our kids. If you can afford private school and think it's the best option for your child, then I wish you the very best. You're a good parent.
However, certain people are making comments about not wanting their child to mix with certain types of children, that they avoid these people in their own lives. There is most definitely a superiority complex at play here. "My child is better than the riff raff that go to state schools".
I've seen this so many times in real life. My friend sends her boys to private school. Good for her, but what annoys me is that she can't stop talking down state schools and the children that go to them. She said "I send my children to private school, not so much for the education but because of the contacts they'll make". That to me says a lot. It's snobbery, pure and simple. I don't think all private school parents think this way, but some do. Is a child really worth more because their parents have money? Why is a wealthy child a more worthy playmate than a child who's parents are a dustman and a cleaner?
Other posters have commented that they send their child to private school because they want to influence their social group. The thing drug use is actually more prevalent in private schools. I've certainly heard of bullying in private schools. People are talking as if their children will escape bullying, drugs, bad influences etc by being at private school. That's certainly not what I've heard from friends who went to private school
They were absolutely wild in terms of sex and drugs at an early age compared to my friends at state school.