DH putting too much pressure on DS’s education

[artylondon]

Good morning everyone - it’s my first time posting, looking for some advice.

My DH and I live in London with our lovely DS, 12.
Of course I’m biased, but I’m really proud of DS, who is a friendly, generally very happy nearly-teenager. He is bright and really articulate and engaged in conversation, but he has never been very focused at school or particularly interested with more fact-based subjects like Sciences & History. No learning difficulties, but he has always struggled with Maths particularly.

However…my DH has always been much more concerned by his academic record. He’s from a very posh, very high-achieving family, where everyone is Oxford-educated and went to the same very intense private schools. He thinks DS needs more focus / structure / tutoring to do well. This is particularly intense where we live (much more DH’s natural background) where a lot of parents pay for tutoring for exams and entrance to competitive schools. I’m sure Mnetters are familiar! It’s coming to a crux as DS moves to senior school next year.

DH’s family are also, I think, putting a lot of pressure on DH to do this and are paying for school fees. I obviously want a good life for DS too, but I think it’s fine for him to enjoy his strengths and just to get what he needs in school to live a full life when he is older.

I’m from a much more ordinary background and this feels ridiculous and too much pressure, but it feels incredibly normalised for people like DH.

My DH is otherwise close with DS and they have a really good relationship. This is the main point of tension.

And if he only gets 5s in his gcses then he probably won't be doing a levels and a degree anyway. Including art school.

You need to help him have the options and choices available to him to do what he wants when he's older.

If he's bright, at private school and only just on track for a pass then either he's not trying or he's really struggling

• Your husband valuing education and wanting the best for his son is fine

• Not seeing that your son is his own person and might not be as academic as he was and pressuring him while ignoring his capabilities is not.

It is best to help your son be self-confident and play on his strengths is better than pushing him to be someone he is not.

I would make that clear to your husband.

If your son struggles in some subjects, he might benefit from extra support but he also should be allowed to be his own person.

Thank you! I feel quite stuck in the middle: my own parents / siblings, who live further away, think this is all crazy and a total diamond-shoes-are-too-tight problem; then DH’s family think it’s of absolute vital importance …. and I am just trying to find a happy medium.

Yes, I don’t think he’s trying quite enough. I meant to say, teachers have suggested a 5 in Maths but higher in other subjects.

This is helpful @Startingagainandagain . My DH has been raised to very much follow a clear path on the career ladder. He says he’s learned a lot through our relationship about pursuing less conventional, less predictable interests. He’s never really had any space or encouragement to think ‘outside the box’, and he is also trying to work some of these thoughts out I think, in his own way/

I can relate to your situation very much.

DH and I were both the class swots. He went to Cambridge from the rural NE from what would today be called a "widening participation" background. I'm from a middle class SE background.

We accidentally sent DD to a fairly hothouse prep (chose it for the wraparound). She is bright but has SEN and we eventually sent her to a comprehensive on an EHCP.

It took some mental strength to survive the very competitive parents we were surrounded by!

Your DH must accept that he is not DS and DS is not him.

DH has found this hard but he's got here.

Do your best to protect DS' self esteem. Lots of time with northern family. Hobbies outside of school etc.

@twistyizzy thank you - this is what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to emphasise, you can aim for higher without it being a failure to miss the top grades - obviously in a slightly more nuanced way! The environment he is in (both socially and school) really makes it seem like the only achievement is 9s all round; I’m trying to make the case for moving from a 5 to a 6 to also be an achievement.

OP I agree the competitive approach to education in London is… a lot. If I leave, that would probably be why.

I also wonder the value of putting your kids through it.

Do you have a place at a secondary school? Is the being particularly intense related to the anxiety of not getting a place?

I do think that if he’s less academically inclined, he’s more likely to be successful at a less academically-focused school ie one where he won’t always be behind, and can focus on other pursuits too.

Thank you, really nice to read your comment! I do want to fit in and I don’t want to come across as a reverse snob, but I am struggling with these school parent conversations. They (and some of the teachers too) can be so forceful that I start doubting my own values sometimes. I’m trying to work out the balance.

I’m a bit confused on the timeline/ what the actual issue is- you say he’s going to secondary next year so he’s currently in Year 8 ( final year of prep) so presumably you already know which school he’s going to next year- those assessments will already have been done and places secured- so your DH knows he won’t be going to a v academically intense secondary school and the parents at those schools won’t be very competitive/ intense because they’ll be full of dc like your DS.

He's either lazy or not that bright, given that he's at a top school and has tutors on top.

Either way, he needs help. Your DH is right. Allowing him to underacheive against his potential is unfair to him and his long term prospects in life.

You've mentioned a really wide range of subjects that he's not really engaging with there- science, history, maths and not always fulfilling his potential in English essays- that's pretty much the whole curriculum.

I'd go with your husband's thinking on this to be honest, be glad that you have the means to get the support in for him and try to make sure he's reaching his potential (and keeping his options open for what he might do next be getting good passes in Maths and English).

If his maths tutor was making him disheartened, I'd use a different one in future, and chat over what you want out of the tutoring sessions before you employ someone as well- like teachers, every tutor will be different. There be be people out there who can help him really understand how maths works through fun activities and games rather than, for example, focusing on past papers and academic exercises which might not help if he's not grasping the "why does this work" side of it.

Yes. Being in London is great in lots of ways, but it can be intense. I’m trying to show DS there is a world beyond.
This is all coming to a head because we’re looking at post-prep schools. DH/ his family want him to go to the one DH & his brothers went to… they’re paying

Dh will have to adjust his expectations. I'd have got a Maths tutor a long time ago.

Thank you. Yes, I think we’ve disagreed on tutors as well! I’ve been drawn to friendlier - seeming ones, DH to the ones emphasising more focus etc etc. At the risk of sounding stupid and not very empowered, DH took the lead on this at first and it didn’t even really occur to me to pursue a particular ‘philosophy’ of teaching. It just wasn’t really on my radar.

Sorry, my fault - will re-edit the posts - where he is in Y7 and we’re looking at schools now

If maths tuition makes your DS feel miserable, you have the wrong tutor. My DS always struggled with maths, till the school put him in the lowest set where he encountered a teacher who just had the knack of explaining things so that non-mathematicians would get them. When he started to do better the school wanted to move him up again, but we persuaded them not to. He ended up with a B in GCSE.

Have you ever had your ds assessed from specific learning issues? What you describe is my dd to a t - couldn't knuckle down to get good grades but something clicked age 12 and she began to soar, got excellent a levels but at 12 she wouldn't have passed an entrance exam to a selective school let alone the 11+ 2 years earlier.

I would use tutoring effectively as it will help overall but have a back up school planned too

That’s really positive to hear. I’m realising from all your posts that a maths tutor isn’t a bad idea; I think I need to focus more myself on finding the right person who works well with DS.

What recommendation has the school made re: secondary?

At a prep school you’d be hoping they gave direction on this.

Also… shouldn’t you know by this point in year 8 where he has a place?

Ok but then didn’t he do the assessments in Year 6? Or if they are Year 7 assessment schools they are literally now, right? Seems he’ll get what he gets and there’s no time to tutor for it. Presumably the prep school guided you on where to apply.

Well done to your DD! Yes, no learning issues specifically. And the schools he’s been to would have picked anything up. DH has asked quite a few times, I think looking for a reason to explain why DS is not particularly academic.

It sounds like he does need some specific help with focussing his reading and his essay technique. It may well be that he has a lot of potential in English which could fairly easily be focussed to help him achieve better results with relatively little effort.

There's always one ready to shout LTB over every little thing. Surprised it took this long .

Sorry, my fault for not being clear on applications etc. He is in Y7 and we’re looking at options for when he moves schools in Y9