How to not get into an argument with in laws today- re new job

[gaseh]

I'm trying to prevent an argument today.

My in laws can be quite opinionated and also pretty much don't recognise how hard I work with 2 kids and my husband never being home because of his work.

They never acknowledge that it must be hard for me to cope completely alone most of the time and make unhelpful comments frequently.

I had to quit my job a few months ago because I had burn out. My job was 100 percent home based, aside from occasional travel abroad for a few nights. I have two young kids who are very clingy and it was hard for me. In laws always commented how I need to ' quit job ' ' find something else ' as it's ' not appropriate '. It annoyed me and my husband that they made these comments. I did quit but I really just needed to stay out of work for a while. MIL did comment that I should just ' find a part time job and ' not working isn't good either '. Which also pissed me off. I just don't need her judgements. Part time jobs are hard to come by in my industry and will basically be less money, with the same responsibilities anyway. It's not worth it.

Now I have a new job, which requires some time in the office every week. I know they'll say ' how are you going to do it, with the kids ? ' and ' is this really appropriate ? '.. what I really want to say is ' your son needs to pull his finger out and carry his weight more and that's how '. But I know this will also cause an issue. So I'm not sure how to shut them down, in a polite way that won't cause friction? Can you help ? I find it difficult.

Do they need to know that detail? Be vague or tell them it is all sorted between you

Could you say something like "it's sweet of you to worry but don't worry I've got this". Kill it with kindness. If that doesn't work go nuclear

We'll manage together, because we have too, unless you're volunteering to pay our mortgage?

Said with a breezy smile

Oh my god - do you need to see them? I would t be overly involved with them to be honest. Way too opinionated.

Why do you think they have the right to question your decisions and that you owe them an answer?
Don't engage
Reply
" it's going well, thanks for asking" to every single question

Broken record technique

“I’d rather not discuss it”
”yes it’s fine, so Brenda how’s life with you…”
”all going fine thanks. How’s your weekend been”

So, instead of saying 'your son needs to ...', say 'your son is ....'

Frame it as him wanting to spend more time with the kids.

Or, don't tell them.

I wouldn't even tell them. Do they need to know? I have a FIL and step MIL who are the same so I simply don't say most things to them. DH is on side though and we wil have a conversation about things that won't be spoken about before we see them.

Honestly in these circumstances I'd just grey rock them, just nod, smile and ignore. It's absolutely nothing to do with them what decisions you make and you don't need to take on board their opinion, it has nothing to do with you. If it continues I would just look to reduce the time I spent with them. What I hear from your post though is that you have a bigger problem which is that you don't have an equitable share between you and DH of the childrearing responsibilities. You don't need to rehearse that in front of in laws but you do need to address it as a matter of urgency in your relationship or you will be back to burnt out sooner rather than later.

Don't talk to them about it. Don't tell them about the new job. Any comments say "don't worry it will be fine" or don't worry we'll manage"

Are they providing free childcare? If not just avoid them and let your husband deal with them. Or otherwise put the kids in nursery. Lots of women work in offices and have kids - why is it not appropriate?

Your husband needs to deal with them on this subject. This is the only thing that worked for us. A few years ago I had a role that had some overseas responsibility and travel and MIL was obsessed with the (imagined) impact on DH's job due to the "babysitting" I was making him do. He pointedly explained that he was co parenting, that you could not 'babysit' your own children, and we were making it work for us. Every time she said anything to me, he answered too and reiterated that it was a joint decision.

I recently got a big promotion and now have a role that sometimes includes advising government departments, and it started up again. This time, DH shut it down straight away by saying he found powerful women sexy. It hasn't been raised again...🤣

@Splendud and we wonder why we still live in a world with unequal women's rights.

Baby sitting his own child.

Mine was told "you poor thing, I know you have to help out with cleaning and cooking and gardening."

' Luckily my children have 2 parents, so I'm sure between them they will arrange appropriate childcare' ?!
Gosh, hadn't realised I was a single parent, how silly of me?

But really- what PP said, what is your DH saying to them? Is he agreeing that he doesn't want to alter his hours and that the kids are allmyour responsibility? In which case your inlaws are really not the problem you need to worry about.
If all is well between you then it should be on him to tell his parents that you will handle it between the 2nof you.
If you are seeing them alone and want to avoid an argument (satisfying as sarcasm would be) then you just need to not engage. 'Oh don't worry, we'll make it work between us' then focus on something the kids have done/are doing.

I think you are looking for golden eggs and you need to reframe your expectations.

Stop listening to their unhelpful comments.
Stop looking for their understanding on how hard your life is.
Stop looking to involve them in getting your husband to be more present and proactive, you need to look to him for that.

My fil and his gf think I shouldn’t be working because a “proper woman and mother” wouldn’t abandon her children to pursue a “little job”

my kids are at school. Not abandoned. And I have a very good job. it rattles me.

on the flip side when I was on mat leave and not working and on sick leave (as I am now - cancer) I’m sponging off of DH and need to work

can’t win. Have decided that they are ultimately dickheads.

I think grey rock is the way to go, you can't reason with interfering windbags like this.

Just a nonchalant "yeah, maybe" or "ok, right.. so anyway who wants tea?"

Deflect and ignore.

But it sounds like you have a DH problem? He should be sticking up for you and doing an equal share of childcare and running the house.

With my mother, with these kinds of comments, and questions, I tend towards statements like, 'that our problem, for us to worry about, and deal with', and a more recent one, 'that's absolutely none of your business, and never you mind!'

Where's your H in all of this? He should be shutting this down with them.

In your shoes I'd be tempted to tell him that he's got two choices - start pulling his weight and manage the ILs, or he can take the kids himself and visit them whilst you stay at home.

If he doesn't like either of those options, then point out that the only alternative is that you go and tell the ILs the truth. That you're sick of their constant prodding at you when it's their darling son who doesn't pull his weight.

Your PILs’ views are irrelevant. Your anger should be directed at your DH.

Ask them to help out if they make comments especially with things their son should do

"more appropriate than your assumption that I will listen to further criticism from either of you"

Your post talks in-depth about PILs but in reality it appears it's your DH that's the problem. No wonder you got burnt out looking after the children and working with little support from DH. And now are you walking into a similar situation where you'll be working and he'll not be shouldering any of the responsibility of house or children? PIL's opinions probably won't change but you can change your response to them - or better make them and the comments they make solely the responsibility of your DH. And maybe if he steps up, you'll feel less resentful and find it easier to ignore PIL's comments.

Go grey rock on this issue.

Very politely and unemotionally say that everything is good while giving minimal information and minimal engagement. It might take a few weeks/months but they'll eventually give up on the topic.

I would tell them that indeed working is a problem, as DH is not doing his fair share, but you need to earn decent money and maintain your career. Tell them how stressful it is, and how there is really no perfect option for the parents of small children these days, what with nursery and mortgage and CoL, and that actually it's a big struggle. Not working isn't an option, and you need a serious job to earn enough money to keep afloat...a part time job in a supermarket is not going to cut it. Ask them could they maybe have a word with DH about stepping up.
Why pretend everything is perfect when it isn't?