Am I thinking too much?

[BusyMaker]

Just signed up after hours of looking on google for people in a similar situation. No judgement please 😭…. I’ve been with my partner for 4 years, I have children from a previous relationship and one to this man currently 35 weeks pregnant with his second child. My heads doing overtime lately, all my kids are winter babies so birthdays start from November from January. Of course Christmas in between all of that. Don’t know why I’m only just feeling this now but hey ho somethings came over me. Hoping I make sense for everyone to understand and give me some advice…. So he is down to be staying at his mothers but stays me with me the majority. Please no judgement 😖 I’m trying to figure things out 😖 yes he helps around the house at times and is good with the kids but I can’t help but feel like he’s leeching off me. I pay for absolutely everything. Gas electric petrol food anything that comes into the house I pay for. He gets UC and doesn’t contribute one bit. It’s a touchy subject with him as I’ve tried to mention it previously but he just shuts me down by saying well you get paid for the kids and I do my bit for them so there you go. 😖. Yes okay I am on benefits and I am also very sensible financially. I have been decorating the whole house and I paid for it all to look nice with abit extra I had saved and had put away. I have been buying birthday presents Christmas presents since august as I like to start a little early and I cannot for the life of me shift my brain from thinking he is a taking the piss basically. It’s always my card that is being used. I feed him wash his clothes take him to appointments just everything in general basically. He just wants his bank balance to build he says because I have more than him (whatever is in my bank goes towards the kids needs and the house) 😭 draining me even thinking about how to bring it up in conversation without him commenting on my benefits which are totally for my kids and our home to keep running. The kids do not go without and our house is a happy home. I suppose I just need some advice from others because I am losing my mind talking to myself over it all. He tells me he loves me and I do believe it but still, there’s just no input. Am I being used 😔

Honestly I think you'd be financially better off without him. You are paying an extra mouth, clothing and extra body and he'll use water etc that he doesn't contribute towards. Also I don't know the ins and outs but you may get CMS off him if he doesn't live with you either. I imagine it would be a pittance if you can get any at all though.

I have to ask apart from sex and children is he actually providing you with anything i.e happiness?

Yes, you are being used.
Think very carefully before you give baby his name.

Yes OP you are being used, if he’s living with you the majority of the time, eating the food from your fridge, using the gas and electric in your house, then he should be paying towards those things at least something. When he says you are getting paid for the kids does he mean by him or by UC?

Personally if he doesn’t see any issue with this I’d be separating formally and making a claim for CMS.

He does make me happy but not all the time. When he says I get paid for the kids he means me getting benefits and him doing a bit around the house entitles him to the benefits going into my bank therefore he shouldn’t have to use what is in his bank. I have said about making a joint claim and moving in full time but something in me feels off 😭

A good man would want to contribute, and pay his way.

A good man would be open with communication and not shut you down.

He sounds selfish, tight and yes, he's using you.

Don't move in with him.
You are raising all these children on your own.
He needs to financially contribute towards his children.

Update your claim to a joint claim. He's built up a bank balance that will be his spending money. He's living with you not his mum so you claim for both of you.

Or get rid of him. You're not getting anything for his children and you're paying for him too. Why are you even questioning this?

I am not being rude but why have his second child if this is how he behaves? Agree with others I’d split and be alone otherwise it’s like having another child ( him ) x

"When he says I get paid for the kids he means me getting benefits and him doing a bit around the house entitles him to the benefits going into my bank"

Do either of you work?

My heads literally spinning. This isn’t something I’m feeling recently. He doesn’t like to be away from me. He is a very paranoid person which I don’t really want to go to much into. He is under doctors for this. I feel suffocated. I actually asked for space 3 nights ago after hours of telling myself just say it to him woman. He didn’t take it well and flipped it round saying right shall I get myself a b&b then I don’t like seeing you upset come here blah blah. It’s not just about his financial contributions in all honesty, it’s a mixture of alot of things. There’s a lot of guilt tripping from him and some eggshells.

Why isn't he working? He's already got one child if you're pregnant with his second. Does he support that child? You should be careful having him stay at your house. Absolutely do not put him on your claim or tenancy if he's living off of you already.

The fact you can't get these thoughts out of your head is proof that you are correct. This man is making excuses for everything. "He's building his bank"?! -says it all. He should be building his home, his family! He has no argument when talking about benefits. This is often used to make people (mainly men toward their partner) feel belittled or guilty. I once heard a man referred to benefits recieved by his partner as "free money". Take your confidence back, stand up for your household and trust your instincts. This will only get worse over time if not sorted now. Take care x

No I don’t work. My eldest is 12 and has severe learning difficulties. He needs care 24/7 he is wheelchair bound and will be under my care for the rest of his life.

You need him gone.
You'll get into trouble , he's living with you but you have separate claims.
Why doesn't he work?
I'm going to repeat PPs , why on earth have another baby ?

so he's living with you but your claiming as a single parent. be careful you don't get reported
i would give him a choice he either moves out and he visits you but no staying over or you claim as a couple
remind him that it's you that will be prosocuted (sp) for fraud
and he is taking the piss

Is he your only child that doesn't belong to this man? So you get UC child element for his first but you won't for the baby.

Why are you risking losing all your benefits on a fraud charge for a cocklodger when your eldest needs 24/7 care? Who is caring for him when you have the baby? What if you need a c section? Is this man going to provide full time care for all of your children?

Is refusing to provide financially recent behaviour?

Yes he is using you.

I asked why he doesn't work, he's living on benefits at his mums. Cocklodging at your house...

sorry to hear about your eldest, that actually gives me more alarm bells. He's taking money from a disabled child. Kick him back to his mums spare room.

No not recent behaviour. Since the beginning. My head is wrecked i am a nervous person anyway but I am going to ask him to stay at his mothers from today and see where things go.

You sound a little nervous of him. I think there is probably an element of control going on. Have you thought about speaking to women's aid?

This man should not have children, it sounds like he hasn't bothered to grow up himself yet. Leave him. He needs to get a job, pay for his children and start taking some responsibility. I'm embarrassed for him at what a pathetic man he sounds. You and the children you already have deserve much better.

I'm sorry, but he is using you and being manipulative.

Welcome to the MN term - Cocklodger

😔 sorry if I’ve upset anyone on this post. I am going to talk to him today about leaving. My heart is pounding. I’ll update soon.

You are being used...and also, if UC conduct a review you may be sanctioned as if he is staying with you you should be a joint claim, regardless of you apparently paying for everything. This is true if a review was conducted on his claim also.