To never be nice to a man again?

[Wandabeme]

Firstly, I’m not devastated by this story, but had to share it here because I’m shocked.

I met a lovely italian guy 6 months ago. We started dating but it was a rocky start because he’s quite typically italian and romantic, and I’m a bit british stiff upper lipped.

He likes to give a lot of compliments and to receive them, which wasn’t natural for me at first and he was open that it hurt his feelings.

Recently, I really tried hard to meet him where he’s at and to be open about how I feel and to say nice things. I was making quite a conscious effort because I do really like him.

I didn’t change any of my other behaviour. Didn’t call more, didn’t ask to see him more, didn’t declare my undying love. I just made an effort to give (genuine) compliments. He seemed really pleased about it!

Just little things “it’s super sexy that you made me dinner”…”wow, you look great in that shirt”…”I love seeing how good you are to your grandma”.

This weekend, I knew something was off, particularly after 2 failed attempts at sex.

To my shock, this is what happened next:

Him: so, you really like me, hey?

Me: yeah of course!

Him: it’s a bit gross

Me (thinking he was joking): I know. Super cringe that I’m now saying nice things.

Him: no, seriously. It’s not really attractive when someone acts so clingy.

Me: clingy?? Because I said nice things?

Him: yeah. Sorry. It’s really sweet of you but it’s really not sexy to know you’re so into me. Men don’t really like that. It’s too much.

Me: wait, is that why you couldn’t get it up?

Him: yeah…I just don’t find you as hot now I know you really like me. It’s really put me off.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s entitled to be put off by whatever he likes, but telling me he doesn’t find me sexy now he knows I really like him, was a shocker. I’ve had some rough dating situation but this might be a new low!

Needless to say I made a hasty exit.

Where do I submit my resignation from the dating pool?

He couldn't perform so he had to save face by making it your fault.

Not very "lovely" then was he! Glad to hear you chucked him back!

That is shocking OP, especially after 6 months! I knew that the thrill of the chase was a thing, but to own up to it is fairly brazen.

I guess the clue was perhaps in your ‘rocky start’; no relationship should be rocky at the start.

I hope you find a nice guy (if that’s what you want)

He's one drop in the ocean. I'm sorry you had this bad experience but you need to move on and use the experience as a learning opportunity: think about what kind of guy the Italian is and what behaviours he exhibits so that the next time you meet a guy like that you are wary.

He's shit in bed and it's your fault.

Got it.

Wow… Not so hot now he’s blaming his erectile dysfunction on simple compliments. What a twerp.

He has got some issues but this is not normal. My husband would hate it if I never said nice things to him.

Thanks all. Before I left, I asked him if he thought I was about to make some declaration of undying love and to suggest we should spend the rest of our lives together. He said yes, he did think that.

I assured him I absolutely wasn’t and got in the car and went home. The cheek of it!

Did he try to persuade you to stay OP? I’m impressed by your flounce, I hope it gave him pause for thought.

He did. He asked me to at least text him when I arrived home safe. I did not. I wouldn’t want to somehow trick him into marrying me by accident.

Wand sorry you met a dick who couldn't use his. But you sound fab, with a great sense of humour and not at all dependent. The right man is out there who will appreciate you.

And he'll be shit hot in the bedroom

Every Italian guy I have dated was a colossal lovebomber - it's in their DNA. I personally hate it and can never reciprocate (also British, stiff upper lip etc.) so I now steer clear of Italian men. Lesson learned for you too, OP, I think.

Also agree with PP that he's shite in bed and needed someone to blame.

You dodged a bullet, although I'm sorry you wasted 6 months on this douche.

Ugh, what an asshole. At least he showed his true colours early on!

Good luck to him settling down with the love of his life who... never actually likes him. What a miserable life.

😅

I’m so glad you kicked him into touch.

Generally, I’m beginning to think the way to date successfully is to never compromise in the early days. Not adapt your behaviour and lifestyle in any way to suit them. And keep to that for months, maybe a year. I think that’s the very least amount of time it takes to get to know someone, to know if they’re worth adapting for.

I know that level of rigidity won’t come naturally to a lot of women; we are after all trained to appease and resolve issues. And it may well mean losing what might have been a good relationship.

Just ask yourself why he wants you to adapt and if he’s referring to part of your authentic character then why he can’t find a woman with the qualities he wants?

If it’s a genuine compromise that he wants, about things that aren’t of great importance to you, what is his part in the compromise going to be?

Women often seem prepared to give too much away for dates when a decent person wouldn’t want that.

First post nails it.

He sounds like one of the most horrible men on earth!!! Yabu to stop dating because of this guy!!!

The thrill of the chase is what appeals to many. Once that is successful the interest often falls away.

That's classic narcissist behaviour - lovebomb you until he thinks he's won you over, then he rejected you to see if you'll ignore your better judgement and fight to get him back. Now that you've rejected him instead you'll be an object of fascination for him - he'll fight hard to get you back only to drop you again if you were to get back with him, and each rejectionncycle will see him being a bit more unpleasant. You've really dodged a bullet there.

This.

This. Once he knows you're into him his interest wanes. Luckily not all men are like this, just the immature ones so you dodged a bullet. Italian men don't do it for me, I find them really clingy and "too much too fast" but I suppose it's cultural...

I mean, you are being unreasonable - but he sounds like such a twat that it's forced me to vote that you're not.
I'm sorry you wasted 6 months on a limp dicked prick.
Throw him and his slack salami back in the sea.

Lucky escape...this is text book 'head worker' behaviour. You'd never be able to please/win. What a tosser xx

Be a black cat, always. Never let them know you like them!

Also, failed attempt at sex? He couldn’t get it up? So basically he had a floppy dick and blamed it on you paying him compliments. LOL