Again & again

[beachcitygirl]

So many threads @ topics where husband/partner treats wife like a slave and they put up with it.
Aibu to say "yes, it is that easy to leave and be happier aloene" and model good behaviour for your kids. Why, why, why do people accept crumbs?

YABU as it is really not that easy to leave, despite the outcome meaning the person will be happier.

Where do you suggest they go?

A)throw him out
B) family
C) friends
D) council
E) make a plans & squirrel money away .

Literally anything is better than living with someone who makes you feel less than.

Because it's hard to leave what you know . Financially it can be difficult, if there's kids involved and the partner is a dick , you can end up in a situation of either leaving your kids behind or not leaving.
Some women are scared to leave for fear of repercussions.
Mental health, disability, caring responsibilities can all be factors.
Lack of support, some women are afraid to go it alone particularly if they have no support network.

I split with ex h twenty years ago. He moved in with his parents. I bought out of the house, we had a 25k mortgage which I increased by 20k. I could afford to do this on my own.

It was quite easy, nowadays you are looking at huge mortgages which require two incomes.

I don't like to blame the woman though, as I can see how this situation would sort of creep up on you.
You don't really know how good or shit a man is until you have kids with him. Bottom line.
I'm a member of a FB group for women, where we look out for each other in the dating world (by posting about dodgy men, etc). The bar is set low on there and it really worries me. Someone literally posted today saying 'the man I've been dating for a week wants to move in - is this a red flag?'
Ummm ...
You don't see things like this on Mumsnet AS much, but we're generally a very aware and educated bunch.

It's not that simple

So flippant! You don't have a clue...do you!?

I say this kindly, but you appear to live a very sheltered life. Your ‘options’ all have deep flaws.

I hope you never find yourself in such position.

I've been in the situation. It was not easy. Far far from it. But I was better than living with someone who made me feel less than every single day.

I had no family to run to & relied on benefits & telemarketing work. But I shut my door & brought my kids up in an atmosphere of love. (Albeit with no carpets)

I have every idea.

It is that simple.
It's just not that easy.

When I had to do it nearly 30 years ago none of the five options were available to me. It took me eight years to secretly make a new (forbidden) friend who was prepared to take me in.
Trust me, it is not that easy.

I moved into a scummy council homeless apt & eventually got a a flat. Wasn't easy by a long shot.
Was I worried - yes
Was I scared - yes
Was it worth it ? - yes - all day every day.

Because adults put sex and their own needs before what is best for the children they keep on having then try and justify it to themselves, then their parents (grandparents) and or society have to pick up the pieces again and again

If you have been there and done it then you know you ABU or goady.

Darling.

No judgement.

You do seem young.

And have done well.

FFS, you can't judge women on your good deeds.

And well done you honestly.

Brilliant.

But don't judge women on your brilliant acts.

Young matey. The best person I know in the world. The woman I love most of all, was a woman who was abused by a dickhead bloke for 30 years.

I spent a long time trying to help. She could not be helped until the time was right.

He died.

I was glad.

I was so glad.

And I am so fucking glad that any woman escapes from a bad man.

I fucking love it when women escape from bad men.

I get it.

I left with children under 3 myself. Yes it was right to do but as an educated, solvent woman with good friends and family, it was still unbelievably terrifying and hard. It made me realise how much harder it can be for others who didnt have the above. My ex was known by the police, and I genuinely thought I'd die in the process of splitting up. Well done to you for getting out of this situation yourself but I've never myself felt the need to judge others for their choices.

Wow! I lived abroad, he took my money as soon as I was paid, I even had a separate bank account but as the workers in th3 bank know your partner they used to give him access to it anyway. I struggled to save money, had no family or anyone I could turn to, I lived a miserable for 5 years until someone took pity on me and paid for a flight home.
You clearly have zero idea, it's not as simple and easy as you think! I also didn't have kids with him so I guess in your eyes it was even easier

Just leave! Is such a simplistic response.

Apart from anything else, the courts will almost certainly award 50/50 custody. This means that the woman won’t be able to minimise/protect her children if the dad is nasty/horrible but not a level that can be prosecuted.

It’s also an incredibly privileged perspective- leaving might not be financially possible.

YABU and horribly judgmental. Just because you found it oh so easy to leave does not mean others will, there may be many many reasons for this so just stop.

Leaving is literally the most dangerous time in leaving an abusive relationship.

Well done on getting away and starting a new life OP but please don't condemn others who haven't been able to do this for a number of reasons. You are being very unreasonable.

YABU as there are at least weekly threads complaining about this, all of which get the same responses as you are getting now. 🤷 I suggest reading a few of them, then you would have your answer and you wouldn't come across so ignorant and judgemental.

You are being worse than unreasonable. Your post is ignorant, flippant, immature and judgemental. You are not in other women’s shoes. You are not in their relationship. You don’t know what is best for them because you are not them.

Life is not black and white; there’s never an all-good option or all-bad option. Don’t use other women’s choices as an ego boost for yourself.

You are hopelessly wrong about how difficult it it is. To the extent that you are part of the problem.It took me years of active planning.

You are ignoring why people have low self esteem in the first place.
You are underestimating how corrosive to you self esteem an abuser is, and how you don’t even realize it.
Not everyone has family close by, and people feel shame about outing being a shit relationship to friends (they might be like you!)

l lived in fear of being murdered during that time.

When I think back on that time I sometimes cry with relief and gratitude to the old me who got me and the kids out of there. I am in awe of her that she was so brave when she was so scared.

But in the OP you say it is that easy?

You also ask why do they accept crumbs- why don’t you tell us why you accepted crumbs before you left?

Throw out an abusive bully of a man? Come on OP, you can't be that naive...

You can’t throw him out if his name is on the deeds/rental agreement!
Its just not that simple.

You sound like the people who work hard, get lucky, and earn millions to turn around and say 'I could do this, why can't you?'

OP it's wonderful it worked out for you, and I smile every time I read a post or hear of someone making it out of an abusive situation, but it's not as easy as you're making it sound. In fact, it's clear it's not, otherwise you never would've been in that situation and would've walked away at the very first sign of abuse.

If you want to make a difference and help people in that situation, may I suggest volunteering with one of the wonderful orgs that helps women in this situation. With a minor attitude change (less victim blaming) I think this perspective can be really helpful in being a no-nonsense advocate helping people out of abusive relationships.