AIBU to be annoyed at my SIL?

[bdot86]

My DHs twin’s wife drives me mad. She’s really cold and shy toward us (me, DH and our 2 kids), but she sends amazing presents for birthdays and Christmas. She’s never visited us in London because she “hates” it, so we’re always the ones traveling to see them in Scotland. Every time we visit, she’s nice on day one, then by day two, it’s like she’s completely fed up with us—she’s downright rude, barely speaks to us, disappears to do her own thing, and acts like we’re a total inconvenience in her house. She also yells at my DS4 for minor things like sitting on the wrong part of the sofa, often upsetting him. We don’t usually come for more than 3 days and we’re good guests.

The whole gift thing just confuses me—she’s cold in person but sends my kids thoughtful presents, and does the same with my PIL who live abroad. She constantly sends them handmade cards from her son, which they love, but then complains about them horribly to her husband (they have no idea!) and refuses to speak to them aside from when she visits them once a year.

To make things worse, both they and my husband’s whole family put loads of pressure on us to visit them and none vice Verca. So if we don’t visit them .. our kids will simply not get a chance to be together. She refuses to visit PIL at the same time as us which was something we’ve suggested.

On the last trip, after the usual day 2 of rudeness I finally had enough and confronted her, asking if we’d done something to offend her. I admit I was angry, but I wanted to clear the air. Then, out of nowhere, my husband (who can’t stand her either!) didn’t back me up and actually started shouting at me for bringing it up. It was horrible, and now somehow I’m being painted as the problem, when all I’ve done is try to make things right.

Honestly, I’m so angry at her, at him, and at his whole family, who idealise her because she’s a “model old-fashioned wife” or does the right things on paper. But she’s really dismissive and rude and she’s getting away with it! While I feel like im making the effort to bring the cousins closer by traveling to them as requested , I send nice messages to her (not too much as I understand and respect that’s she’s an introvert and doesn’t want to be close) and I encourage my DH to stay in touch with his parents. I buy nice gifts too btw but is that more valuable than kindness, respect and connection ???Anyway I’m really starting to resent the lot of them. AIBU?

Indeed. OP, you are clearly hostile towards your SIL and that will shine through, despite how you think you present yourself.

You sound as bad as each other. Clearly neither of you want to be visiting the other, so yourselves a favour and... don't.

I'm going to be harsh, because although I think you have worked out that it could have been handled better, I think you may not realise that you may be in the wrong more than you think. Again I don't 100% agree with the following, just that it is a way of viewing it from perhaps her angle. (She might be old school in her thinking)... So here goes (As if this is her thinking):

Sorry but your DS4 should already know not to sit on the arms of a sofa.Arms are not designed to hold weight. If there isn't enough room, then he should be on your lap. I'd be saying to any guest "Please don't sit on the arms, they aren't designed to be sat on". I would also hasten that you should have quietly had a word with her, not in front of anyone else about it all. You are a guest in someone elses house, and so you follow their rules. If you don't like the rules, you can ask them politely, about why they have a rule. If you don't like the reasons, then you still abide by them, until you decide to either go home, or get a hotel room.
If your sister moved 500 miles away, from you and your parents. Then why should you go to visit them in an overcrowded smelly London.

I agree she is old school in her thinking and fair enough. I was however constantly keeping my kids in check—I’m actually quite strict with them too, especially when we’re guests, as I want them to behave well in others’ homes. I like structure and rules etc. And they are pretty well behaved in general. Her son and mine were inseparable and my Dd2 was following them the whole time, it’s was cute and not chaotic at all.

As for the arms of the sofa situation, she screamed before I even had a chance to tell him. I would have handled it immediately, but she jumped in with such intensity it was genuinely shocking. I don’t tell other peoples kids off like that, do others ? Maybe that’s for another thread!

This. I would never go somewhere I didn't feel welcome..

Thanks for addressing my concern and given your further explanation then I have to take back the niggling thought that I had. If she screams at a child and doesn't try to explain it, then I, like you, would fins it very hard to justify her action.