AIBU to be annoyed at my SIL?

[bdot86]

My DHs twin’s wife drives me mad. She’s really cold and shy toward us (me, DH and our 2 kids), but she sends amazing presents for birthdays and Christmas. She’s never visited us in London because she “hates” it, so we’re always the ones traveling to see them in Scotland. Every time we visit, she’s nice on day one, then by day two, it’s like she’s completely fed up with us—she’s downright rude, barely speaks to us, disappears to do her own thing, and acts like we’re a total inconvenience in her house. She also yells at my DS4 for minor things like sitting on the wrong part of the sofa, often upsetting him. We don’t usually come for more than 3 days and we’re good guests.

The whole gift thing just confuses me—she’s cold in person but sends my kids thoughtful presents, and does the same with my PIL who live abroad. She constantly sends them handmade cards from her son, which they love, but then complains about them horribly to her husband (they have no idea!) and refuses to speak to them aside from when she visits them once a year.

To make things worse, both they and my husband’s whole family put loads of pressure on us to visit them and none vice Verca. So if we don’t visit them .. our kids will simply not get a chance to be together. She refuses to visit PIL at the same time as us which was something we’ve suggested.

On the last trip, after the usual day 2 of rudeness I finally had enough and confronted her, asking if we’d done something to offend her. I admit I was angry, but I wanted to clear the air. Then, out of nowhere, my husband (who can’t stand her either!) didn’t back me up and actually started shouting at me for bringing it up. It was horrible, and now somehow I’m being painted as the problem, when all I’ve done is try to make things right.

Honestly, I’m so angry at her, at him, and at his whole family, who idealise her because she’s a “model old-fashioned wife” or does the right things on paper. But she’s really dismissive and rude and she’s getting away with it! While I feel like im making the effort to bring the cousins closer by traveling to them as requested , I send nice messages to her (not too much as I understand and respect that’s she’s an introvert and doesn’t want to be close) and I encourage my DH to stay in touch with his parents. I buy nice gifts too btw but is that more valuable than kindness, respect and connection ???Anyway I’m really starting to resent the lot of them. AIBU?

Leave all visits and gifts to your husband. They will both learn a lesson from that.

Rude hosts are a nightmare. You can't do anything right - if you try to address it you look ungrateful.

I wouldn't apologise to SIL but I'd talk to husband. I'm often angry to cover up hurt - I'd say to husband you are perpetually hurt and confused by SILs behaviour. He should have backed you up, especially if he agrees with you. At the moment you're putting in a lot of effort with HIS family and just getting dumped on.

She clearly doesn't enjoy having you as guests - can some other solution be found? I'd suggest an annual family holiday for both families - a long weekend somewhere halfway between your houses. Somewhere where you both have your own space but can get together- centre parcs or a hotel. Then you SIL doesn't have the burden of hosting.

If she refuses then as others have said, just refuse to go. If DH's family want cousins to be close, they can put in the bloody effort.

Airbnb or Premier Inn type hotel either near them so you're not forced together 24/7, or halfway between your homes so you both make an effort.

If they say no, don't bother going up there again.
As for DH, tell him to stop being a wuss and stand up for you!

What is the wrong bit of the sofa btw?😳

I think it sounds as though she means well but struggles with people in her space. That might also be why she doesn’t like a city like London.

She does sound tricky but I think with the “ I wanted to clear the air” confrontation you kind of did bring things to a head which can backfire. It was what you wanted but clearly no-one else, including your DH, wanted to handle things that way.

I think the air bnb idea is a good one going forward - and I admire that you make an effort to see your DH’s family.

You all need to stay in hotels or self catering. None of my family will visit us so we have to go to there and rent a cottage or something.

it’s also possible as well as being an introvert she might be ND, I am and I need tons of peace, space, time to myself etc just to be able to cope and get through the day.

.It sounds like she hates having house guests but doesn't feel she can refuse. She could be neurodivergent and actually want to enjoy it but gets overwhelmed and just can't. As an autistic/AuDHD family, as much as we would like to be the kind of people who love a big family weekend get together and don't get utterly exhausted and peopled out after 24hrs, even around people we dearly love, we are just...not.

The issue here is that for whatever reason she isn't communicating how she feels honestly with you. I can understand why you wanted to know why she was being that way clear the air, but the way you went about it sounds a bit confrontational. She may not even understand it herself, and she could be in the place I was in 10 years ago going "why am I like this...I love these people, why are they driving me nuts...why is this so exhausting...I shouldn't feel this way".

Next time, get a hotel or apartment, and explain that you have noticed it seems to be difficult for her when you stay at the house and you would like to ensure that the time you spend together is enjoyable and not stressful for anyone.

Honestly, this makes no sense to me. Not only is this woman not a member of your family, she’s not a member of your DH’s family. You only know one another because you married siblings. Why on earth are you giving her any headspace? If the siblings want to see one another, they arrange it, including whether a hotel is booked, likewise length of stay and presents, messages etc. You seem to have invented a reason (the children) why you have to go and visit her, but again, surely that’s up to the siblings.

Exactly.

I don't know why the OP's getting herself involved at all.

Plus there are a couple twin men here she could be blaming, as they're responsible for their kids having contact with their cousins if only they were bothered.

Not sure why it has to be the woman's fault?

I wouldn't bother going again. They don't visit you so why should you bother? Let your DH take them if he wants to.

I’m another vote for don’t bother. The whole ‘introvert’ bollocks is no excuse for rudeness. Your DH is a prick too. I’d drop the rope completely and let him deal with his relatives.

I’d just stay home next time and send the kids off with husband. He can also arrange the whole thing while he’s at it, and his family’s gifts to boot. Does he buy your family’s gifts by any chance? Or plan all of the visits to your family? I’m guessing not. Yet you have to deal with all of the fallout bs, not him, and to make matters worse he turned on you? That’s just not on.

Thanks for all your thoughts—really helpful to get different perspectives. After this last trip, DH has agreed that we won’t be returning to stay with them as a family.

To clarify, I do understand and respect her introversion and boundaries—I’m an introvert too, so I get it. I’d never push her to be closer, and I’m not trying to intrude. But even when I’m feeling overwhelmed , I’d never be rude to family or guests, or to anyone for that matter, so it’s frustrating that she shuts down and seems irritated with us after just a day. And if having people stay is genuinely too much for her, why push so hard for us to come and stay, especially when we’re the ones doing all the traveling? Although some responses did make me think that maybe she never actually never approves of us coming and it’s BIL insisting with us and forcing it on her and PIL blaming and putting pressure on me, which is not fair.

I do agree with ASD possibility and great to see it from that perspective. Also, BIL always jokes that she’s OCD and gets angry if things are not the way she likes, so could be that.

With all this mind, next time we will suggest meeting somewhere neutral, like a middle-ground Airbnb, so everyone can have their own space sounds great, as suggested! If she’s not comfortable with that, then DH will visit his brother alone from now on. It’s a shame for our kids, as they adore their cousin and probably won’t have any other cousins, but it’s reached the point where this arrangement brings more discomfort than joy.
Time to ignore any pressure from BIL and PIL, and I’m doing to distance myself for a little bit.

Regarding the “wrong part of the sofa”, she was referring to the arms lol. I think?

Again, thanks so much for the advice—it’s helped me see things a lot more clearly!

I wouldn’t go. You can very calmly say to your husband the visits make me feel very uncomfortable so why would I go?
it is odd behaviour
life is too short

Psychologically her gifting beautiful presents and making the house impeccable are not about being nice to you but about maintaining some kind of standard

Did she respond to you confronting her? I’d love to know her reasoning behind changing after one day given she’s insisting you go up, or is it your dh insisting?

Sod your pils remote controlling you from abroad and telling you to visit her, the dc won’t be close growing up given the distance, regardless of how frequently they see one another.

I’d be pissed off at your ds sitting on the arm of the sofa too, it’s not designed for that, so I think yabu there.

Is there somewhere half way where you could meet up and spend time together on neutral ground where SIL could still have her own space to retreat to? Or could you book a hotel or AirB&B when you visit them?

Probably totally burned up her socialisation resources on the first day.

She needs to understand herself better or have better boundaries. I for one can’t handle multiple days of socialising and if that also included people staying in my home, so zero time where I can feel completely relaxed, I would self-destruct. However I wouldn’t be rude to other people, I would just suffer badly internally and likely take a long while to recover.

Same, I hate having guests, it caused rows with my parents over the years, they thought they (retired) could just come down when my Dh and nearby db were on nightshift or whenever they liked. Drove me nuts, especially given mother would be shitfaced from 6pm every night. I’m much better off staying in a local hotel visiting her these days.

If you let your child sit on the arms of the sofa and couldn't see a problem with that I'd be keen for you to go as well. I thought you meant he was sitting in the space she liked or similar.

Let your DH take the kids up on his own, leaving you to have some nice peace and quiet me time at home doing whatever you want.

Hmm sounds a bit manipulative to get people riled up about your child sitting 'on the wrong part of the sofa'.

If you'd just said he was sitting on the arm, many people would've agreed with her but I expect you know that?

she is probably in a bad mood when you stay for more than one night as she is tired. Maybe they have had to move up as a family if you stay. I normally sleep in a separate bed to my husband so I can sleep. If we had more than 2 guests I would have to go back in with him. No one wants guests for 3 days. Airbnb or premier inn. This is probably the reason she doesn’t want to sleep at your PILs at the same time as you. You will all be squashed together. Perhaps she also has to do most of the meals.
I get on really well with my sister but when we used to go with our children we stayed in a hotel. My sister then was more relaxed and we enjoyed our time together.

What about OP makes you think she isn't exactly a walk in the park? I think she sounds pretty great actually since she's got the balls to confront a passive aggressive c* about their attitude.
Too many of us bypass this crap or are too scared to stand up to people like this and then everybody points the finger at the person doing the confronting because they themselves don't have a strong enough backbone to put their foot down!

Well that’s obviously something you admire but we are all different and some of us would consider that unnecessarily confrontational.

If there was one ideal personality type I guess we’d all try to have it. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

Personally I think it’s quite rude to confront a host in their own home unless it was something much more offensive than anything described here.

The fact OP let's her child sit on the arms of someone else's sofa, is then angry at the host and can't see how she is in the wrong makes me think that there is more to this than OP is portraying.