Money and family (not a new concept)

[TigerMum8]

Just received a request for a decent chunk of money from Parent and Step Parent. Said no as felt the request was unfair and should be directed towards corresponding half and step siblings. Usual reason being that those siblings received a lot more than I did from them growing up - independent schooling, cars etc whereas I did not since step parent generated the cash. Trying to explain that it’s not about resentment but fairness. I simply feel that any money should flow back from the same source it flowed to? For clarification siblings not really in a position to help but I don’t feel it’s fair that I’m effectively penalised for taking better advantage of less opportunity. AIBU?

Well the cash can’t flow back from the step sibs since they don’t have it. That still doesn’t mean you’re obliged to cough it up.

Why should any of you be giving them money? They’re adults. Assuming they’re in the UK, they’re in a country with a social safety net. Why aren’t they living a lifestyle that fits within their means?

Fair point, sounds like a bit of a business / financial reversal and a bit of cash needed to ride them over. Problem is will probably never get it back, plus principle of it.

They shouldn’t be asking any of their children for Mindy. Direct them to the bank, a credit union or eBay to borrow or make some cash. What’s it for?

Why are they asking for money?

Sorry, posted too early above, I believe because of a financial reversal
and need it to tide them over

You don’t have to give them any money, neither do your step/half siblings if they can’t, but I wouldn’t even bring the x got a car y got £1000 etc into it, it’s irrelevant really and does make it about resentment- which is understandable but you can’t hide behind it being anything else. A parent buying their child a car 10 years ago doesn’t mean that same child has the value of the car to give to them at any given time.

Why are they even asking you for a substantial sum of money? What’s it for? A loan or are they expecting you’d just hand it over?

All sounds quite odd really, why do they think you should either loan or give you money?

Very fair points. I’ve tried to direct the discussion away from that. However the allocation of resources indicates how siblings are viewed within a family. Can’t help feeling miffed that I’ve been ‘promoted’ now that I’m perceived to have a bit of cash handy.

Bit confused as to who you are in the scenario... a parent, grandparent?
Who is asking for money?

Did circumstances change where they were able to afford private schooling etc if you are older? As that may have not been a deliberate choice if you see what I mean. Were there lots of examples of you being treated less well? If so you aren't being unreasonable at all.

I think it’s just a question of needing the money and I’m a potential source. You know how it is, when people really feel that they need money they just go to whatever source is available .

No, I was of similar age at the time but resources were allocated accordingly. I would have no problem with circumstances being different because I’m a lot older for example.

Just say no. You don't want to

That's enough reason by itself.

I can’t imagine asking my children for money, seems completely alien. Just tell them no, you reap what you sow and it sounds like they put you second so now it’s their turn to be low priority.

Just say no, if they offered you little financial support but gave freely to your step siblings then they can’t possibly expect you to put your hand in your pocket.

If they ask I’d just tell them why and let them chew on that.

I'd say no.

They weren't willing to support you when they were in a position to, whilst supporting their other children. Now the tables have turned, they're asking the wrong person.

I'm sure other funding sources are available.

It sounds like you're more bothered by the percieved injustice of siblings getting more funds invested in them than actually lending/giving the money itself. Whether you lend/give them the money or not, you need to either tell them about how you feel or find peace with it xx

It would be better to come up with a white lie about how you can't help out. Explaining why you don't want, however justified you are, will only cause more aggravation. Keep it simple.

My dad is no longer with us but he and his second wife used to do that to me. There were 4 adult kids. Two hers and two my dads. I'm the oldest and he was always ask me for money. The others were never asked. I think the last request was to buy his free hold. When he dies his wife got everything. She retired early and is now living a lovely life. Yes I'm a bit bitter I'm struggling with a small house and we cannot afford to move.

She can just say no. Lies always unravel or read to more lies. No need.

Say no and - if you haven’t already - out in place very clear boundaries in life.

and if you’re the Cinderella in the family start making it very clear you won’t be shouldering the old age care

Don’t they have credit? Have they done something silly?

Then no - people reap what they sow. You are not being unreasonable.

Just being nosy but what jobs do your step siblings have, after having the benefit of independent schooling education?

And to answer your quey, I would say 'no, i don't have any spare cash' or if you feel you could help a little, then perhaps say i don't have £xxx'000 but I could lend you £x00. That way you're helping but not the full amount. I too would feel aggrieved that they have the cheek to ask when they didn't help you out when you were younger.