DH invited my family over but our house is a tip

[jhnroirj]

Am currently recovering from abdominal surgery this week and can't do much. DH has had to work and look after DC. However, he decided to invite my family over tomorrow. Our house is a tip, and I said that this is fine so long as he cleans before they come but if not, then he should uninvited them. He is now pissed off and says that I should do get in touch with them and tell them they aren't welcome. But I didn't invite them in the first place.

Yes, there is obviously a back story. My dad is quite judgy and will make comments. Dh doesn't think having a clean house when guests come is important but he also comes from a family of hoarders who never had anyone over. Am tired, sore and pissed off.

Phone them up and say you aren't feeling up for a visit. You are still recovering from surgery.

YANBU but don’t think your husband is either really…more concerned your dad would he judgey about your house especially when you’ve had surgery?! I’d be wanting to go round and see if I could do anything to help like cleaning or cooking etc if one of my close relatives had surgery, not judging them.

You didn’t invite them so he should contact them to let them know you’re not up to visitors. Why can’t he just clean the house?

Is it a tip or just not up to your dad's high standards?

My parents are pretty judgy in general and my father is a neat freak and always has been due to his job. He doesn't get untidy houses but after all of us being cooped up here for the half term....it's crap. Am also tired of Dh making me feel like tidying up before guests come 8s utterly freaky.

I’d feel the same way, OP. I’m also recovering from an operation and our house is definitely less clean and tidy than normal, because I literally can’t move around. If DH invited ppl over, I’d expect him to do a blitz first!

Perhaps a compromise is that your DH does some essential cleaning and you let your family know that due to your surgery, you haven’t been able to do any chores so they should expect a messy house-so no comments, please, your health is far more important!

If they’re nice, perhaps they might offer to help out?

Hand df a cloth when he arrives... Your dh maybe has a point - people should be coming because they care not to criticise..

@jhnroirj If your Dad says anything, look him in the eye and ask him whether you should jeopardize your health by going against your doctor’s orders to rest?

Oh my father would clean but I don't see why he should have to. He does all the cleaning at my parents house and takes pride in it. However, am pissed off at Dh for just disregarding the fact that I don't want my parents to come to a tip.

I get you, but a simple call to your parents would fix this.

Just call them and cancel.

Has he invited them over because he knows your dad will clean up so he doesn't have to?

Is he inviting them round because he hopes your dad will clean??

Call them and say you are feeling rougher than expected post-surgery and not up for visitors.

Dh invited them because my dad is retired and bored. He also invited them the day of my surgery which I was also not pleased about.. Dh is keen for DC to have a relationship with them...am less in contact with them as we don't get along.

Would it be a good thing for your children to have a relationship with your parents?

If so, tell your husband to take them there!

I’d be incredibly pissed off with this.

The only reason anyone should be dropping in on you post surgery is to look after you.

To tidy and clean and do some laundry and cook you a nice meal.

You seem to be surrounded by men who do not get this.

I'm so sorry.

Your problem is your dickhead of a husband. He invites them without asking, won't help clear up and wants you to be the bad guy saying no. Why?

Wow OP, your DH is a prize.

Write them ALL an unequivocal message telling them that you have just had surgery and have been instructed absolute rest.

That any physical effort whatsoever will probably result in burst stitches, excruciating pain, setbacks that will mean your recovery will take longer than expected.

That you'll be delighted to see them and thank them all so much for being there and stepping up with cleaning, cooking, tidying and childcare while you're convalescing. Send a shopping list.

Possible outcomes:

1 They'll cancel. Job done.

2 They'll come and pick up the cleaning things and get on with it - meanwhile you'll be playing up the invalid needing waiting on hand and foot. Job done.

3 They'll come and criticise you - if so, as soon as they start, your entire conversation will then be detailed descriptions of your surgery, how long it took, what they did, how much of a scar/stitches you have, what level of pain you are at, how much medication you're on and what it's for, exactly what doctor's orders you're following, in as much detail as possible.

Any future criticisms - just replay all that. 'Your house was a tip when we got there' 'doctor's orders were no housework at all because (repeat the TMI).'

And remind them that your husband, who actually invited them, will be doing all the hosting and cooking etc. Be very positive and happy about that.

You'll either get your house cleaned with them there - or if they cancel, or go early, peace and quiet with the house on your terms til you feel up to it.

In that case, I think what you need to say is that you're not up to visitors; you need a quiet day resting, so perhaps DH can take the DC to visit them or meet up somewhere.

Or simply put your foot down and say no.

You are not up to visitors at all and will let every one know when you've recuperated enough to welcome them.

Why is your dh not respecting your wishes towards contacting your parents
Does he usually disregard what you want

I understand. I can't have people round if it's messy. My parents aren't mean or judge, but they keep things very tidy and im embarrassed if they see things messy even though they wouldn't be rude about it. Why can't your husband just tidy up since it needs doing