Child disowned me

[Fireflower201]

My 20 year old has completely disowned me and I’m really struggling with it, there are so many layers to it but she has robbed from me, family and friends, lied manipulated and lots of other stuff whilst growing up, she has committed fraud in my name, refuses to acknowledge any issue with this, and almost made me feel I was making a big issue about it, she has tried to fight me & another family member when I went to check on her cause she refused to come home, that was my final straw, at this point as she’s a adult shall I just walk away forever? I can’t believe all of the hurt shes caused, she won’t get medical help she smokes weed, she is very defiant, she is angry about life and the bad choice I made choosing her father 20 years ago too if that helps, yet wants nothing to do with either of us and wants to instead live with friends

You don’t really have to do anything. You can wait for her to grow up and see what changes. As long as you don’t move house, you don’t have to do anything.

This sounds incredibly hard. At this stage I think all you can do is let her know you'll be there for her when she's ready, but won't be treated like that anymore - and walk away.

My siblings both went no contact with my DM around this age (although admittedly there was trauma and abuse, which it doesn't sound like here from what you've said). Both were also very angry/smoking lots of stuff/lying/manipulating. DM tried way too hard to keep a connection and siblings both rejected every olive leaf she extended!

What helped was time, and the realisation that DM was no longer 'desperate' to spend time with them. When they did reconcile a few years on, it was at their pace but they were on more equal footing, and all of them had drawn boundaries on how they wanted to be treated.

Sorry you’re hurting 💐

My ds did similar.. Used me as free childcare for his dc until my mh could no longer cope. He ruined Christmas by assaulting a small sibling. He flounced 5 years ago and I haven't contacted him except to send him and dgc cards... He also cut off all his siblings. He is early 30's. His best mate is into drugs. Think we are all best off apart tbh.

My youngest DC has vanished. He is 24 now, haven't heard from him in almost 5yrs. He cut me off first, then his DB, GPs, aunt, cousins.

I send him an email every now and then, just so he knows he's not forgotten. I never expect (or receive) a reply.

I wish he'd had an argument, a complaint, a screaming match with me as to how I've failed as a parent, an explanation as to how I've let him down. So I know. And so I could try to make amends.

We all miss him so much. But I miss him most of all.

Did her dad abuse her and are you still with him?

Sounds like a very unhappy young person who needs significant help. However, you are not the right person to provide that help particularly if none of the help and support she had as a teen (which I'm assuming you put in place for her) helped.

You reach out, tell her you love her and will always be there for her if she needs you but have boundaries and keep them. She may well come out of it as she gets older, particularly if she has her own children.

I’m sorry you are hurting. I would suggest some counselling and self reflection. While her behaviour doesn’t sound ideal, there will be things you have done that you should consider reflect on and grow from too. Be open to apologising when and if she comes back to you for anything you feel is appropriate.

No dad was abisive to me when she was a baby I got away she never seen any of that we’ve had choice words me and my daughter over the years, she’s been awful at times really awful I’ve always been the constant and over compensated for dad not being around too much! But she’s so ungrateful don’t care and just lies so much about such simple things I just don’t understand her at all anymore

Sometimes you just have to let life show them......it's not walking away. Its giving them space to do that.

You have explained it Detail all the things she’s done wrong, but nothing about why she wants nothing to do with you?

Why is she angry with you, and ungrateful about what?

This, OP.
It’s very painful.

She’s angry she thinks It’s unfair I don’t allow her out till 4-5am on a weekday to smoke weed yet where she’s staying now temporarily she’ll be home at 12pm latest fully complaint with there rules - this is a relatives house, she wants to get a council place and would rather go into a hostel then come home, she hates I call her out on her crap other family members enable her nonsense, she pisses in bottles rather then use the toilet which is just down the corridor when I found them all she was enraged with me and not herself she is just lazy, rubbish galore in the room and under the bed when she was home, other then that there’s nothing specific that has happened my end that has caused this

The most painful thing in the entire world is being rejected by your child. It's as bad as a child passing away. Except they haven't, so it's a prolonged projected mourning. I think focus on the things you will not miss? The drama, the other things that drained you. You've done your job and brought up your child. If they want to go off and do other things, let them. Let them be who they want to be. Maybe one day you two will talk and things might improve, but that is not a given. Take care of yourself. Nurture what you do have. Love those who care and love you.

She's an adult, she can make her own choices now.

All you can do is tell her you love her, that you will always be there for her if she needs you, and then walk away, as she wants.

Ensure she doesn't have a key to your house, to prevent any more stealing.

Wait for her to come to you.

What help did you get her for her Mental Health? She is and was clearly struggling. Sounds like the beginning of hoarding tendencies if she's urinating in bottles and keeping rubbish.

Did your partner abuse you when you were pregnant, or when she was a baby? Just because she wasn't abused directly does not mean it didn't have an impact on her, increased cortisol in a baby's brain literally impacts brain development and mental wellbeing for life.

Some people are trying to find logical answers. Poor mh and addiction don't lend itself to making rational decisions

It was before the pregnancy and after nothing during - I got her help and when she was a child she engaged cause she had no
choice cause she was under 18, since then she refuses and the doctor says until she gives consent I can’t do anything so I have really really tried over the years

I have ‘lost’ children as a foster carer, when their behaviour became unsustainable in my house. Their new placement was a fresh start. They realised that there really were limits and that sometimes you have to contain yourself and make an attempt to comply with reasonable boundaries. It hurts terribly, but they felt it was ok to hit me, throw things, scream and rage, because I had been there all the way through. I was safe, they could take me for granted.

Sometimes a fresh start is actually better. It gives the a goal, there is something to lose. This may not be the bad thing you think it is.

I do know it hurts. Desperately.

@Fireflower201

Considering all you've said about her behaviour although I understand that your heart is hurting I think you're better off with her out of the house. She disrespects you in your own house, shows filthy habits (pissing in bottles? I ask you!), and is not making good life choices.

It's best she's out in the 'real world' now where perhaps people will NOT give her the leeway you have. Right now these relatives may be putting up with her or perhaps she's 'behaving' for them, but at some point she'll either revert and they'll kick her out or (unlikely) she'll actually learn something about respecting those around us.

Use this time 'apart' to gather yourself together and decide how you want to proceed if or when she contacts you or to cope if she's doesn't. Perhaps counseling might help you deal with things, whether she comes back or not.

In the meantime, leave her to herself. She wants no contact with you? Fine. Give her what she wants. And if by some chance you are giving her or the people she's living with money, stop it at once.

Whilst I understand your daughter didn't respect house rules, she does sound very much like she has poor mental health.
This is not something you can fix.
As parents we feel we should be able to fix everything for our children, even when they are adults.
It's very difficult to accept that we can't.
Sending an unmumsnetty hug 🌸

I haven’t read the whole thread but it’s like it’s become trendy to go NC or disown your parents. I’ve seen it all over social media recently (I got invested when a family member commented and now it keeps popping up on my algorithm). Petty, maybe even thoughtless comments by a parent, being described as “toxic” and narcissistic. I feel like these words have lost all meaning.

I have issues with my mum but disowning her and stopping contact with her grandchildren would be vile.

Just to clarify, I’m not including obvious cases of abuse and neglect!

Thanks for the replies, it’s just so difficult for me, cause I really don’t want to see her like this or living like this but at the same time she has offers to come home to her nans and she has refused, like I say as last time I seen her she went for me and was only stopped as someone jumped in her way to stop her - she would have caused me some damage I’m sure! she was super angry, calling me fat ugly, and other obscenities, it’s a thankless job being a mother, and yes maybe as someone has posted I’m the closet person too her & her ‘safe space’ she acts like this … I have another two children who are totally the opposite and are baffled at why she acts the way she does

I agree I feel this is currently a trend & my daughter is very much buying into it and hurting everyone in the process!