I despair of these MILs

[Pantsinthewash]

Just read some more threads on here about overbearing MILs, I mean who separates their DIL from her baby for most of the day and even when the baby is unwell? Who do they think they are demanding to organise their son's wedding, and be invited to every event? Ultimatums and flouncing. And on and on..... I am so bloody angry! No wonder they find themselves disliked and excluded. I am soon to have a DIL, will make jolly sure I do better than this. Appalling behaviour.

Not another MIL, you do know like other areas of humanity some are good, some bad and some are ok. They are not all of the same ilk.

Not all MILs are bad - and not all DILs are good! We only hear about the bad mothers in law - there are hundreds of mothers in law who are supportive (and very useful!) .

I get on with my son in law and daughter in law just fine :)
But then I am a normal person, not trying to control anyone or anything. I look after my grandchild (and will be at the birth of no 2 if all goes well.. ) and both SIL and DIL lived with us for a few years and it was lovely... I miss the happy chaos!
I've never demanded time with my grandchild... however I am the main child care and now they ask for sleepovers if I haven't had them for a couple of days.
I've never flounced in my life

I'm sure the majority are sane normal people, it's just the batshit ones get posted about!

I am a MIL and have a MIL. I use mine as a guide to how not to treat my DIL. Most of my stories of my MIL are far too outing to go into detail but she has cancelled holidays we were due to go on to stay with family members, ringing to say DH couldn't get time off and arranged for her and friends to go so we couldn't.
she tried to sit in my seat at DS's (her GS) wedding (I had a reserved place with my name on), an usher had to force her to move. This was after threatening to boycott because she wanted certain people invited.
We had a tiny wedding planned (we were pretty broke and just bought our first home). She said she wouldn't come if we denied her a much bigger wedding. I was young and naive and DH knew no better so we agreed. She got her wish, didn't contribute and never even gave us a card or gift.
I wanted my bouquets putting on my GM's grave. On return from honeymoon I found out she'd taken it from my aunt. I have hundreds of stories like that spanning decades. I'm now very low contact and do nothing for her. She believes she's the matriarch of her family and should be the primary consideration in everything.

Not all MILs are like that

The overwhelming majority of MILs are fine. But that doesn't make for very good anecdotes on social media.

On here you will only have the bad. People won’t make threads about the good. My MIL is fine. Not amazing but no issues. She leaves us alone, no interfering, but i don’t have any inclination to spend time with her either. Suits us fine!

It is great that you are wanting to have a good relationship with you DIL, I think you are amazing for wanting this. My own MIL I now have no contact with and neither do my DC as she was just so awful to me. All the best OP

Nobody is saying they are. A significant minority do seem to be like this. My own was overbearing and unpleasant to all of her 5 DILs. Not one of us shed a tear when she died. We had all had her as MIL for at least 20 years, some of us for 40. I find it shocking that none of us were sad. I've never not felt sad about anyone else's passing.

There are two sides to every story and we only hear one side in here.

I was always told not to speak ill of the dead, BUT if someone was an arsehole in life they don't suddenly become a saint because they've died.

I think it’s generally true that there are three sides to every story - and on MN, when the DIL is telling the story, we only get that of the DIL. I’m sure there are plenty of MIL-DIL relationships which are tense for all kinds of reasons, but I doubt that it’s solely the fault of the MILs in the majority of cases.

…another MIL thread, just what we needed.

The reason the MILs in the threads sound so awful is, much like any other post, people want to portray a particular narrative. They want to show themselves as the very reasonable & accommodating victim, of the terrible other person. Then everyone pipes up that the other person is horrible and terribly unreasonable, thus confirming the OPs narrative.

I believe about 50% of what is in any post. Quite a lot of it is so open to question .. things like “she is always rude to me” really ? She’s rude, or you felt her behaviour rude?, or she’s just not you with your background, experience and norms?

The advice on here is often so unhelpful in these situations “block” and “grey rock” based on very little, and routed in other peoples “trauma”

In short, a lot of the threads are written to garner a specific response that confirms the OPs views, with scant regard to the truth of the situation.

To be honest, I despair of a lot of DILs on here too. Fortunately, RL is very different.

This is real life, people can post their true thoughts on this anonymous forum. Hate when people say stuff like “that only happens on mumsnet, not in real life” it’s so ignorant

My MIL interferes in our marriage, invites herself on holiday with us and says horrible things to me when my husband’s back is turned. There are a lot of jealous and unpleasant MILs out there. It’s good that you’re aware of what can go wrong and that you’re going to try and do better. My MIL would never have the awareness or the emotional intelligence to try and do better.

Most of the time it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

MILs aren't perfect but nor are DILs. In fact none of us are.

My MIL is difficult likes to be in charge and get what she wants when she wants.
When DS was born she kept asking for alone time and critiqued many parenting choices including my choice to breastfeed.
She now wonders why I chose limited involvement- and she’s never had alone time as insisting on this with a baby is a massive red flag.
Its sad though because my mum has a fantastic relationship with my SIL and her MIL and I would’ve loved that. But her relationship with DH is also tricky so I think it’s more her rather than the MIL/ DIL dynamic.

Of course many mils are fabulous! But why post if all is well?

The problem is when you get a "baddun"... They can wreck a marriage, make day to day life utterly miserable and turn dc against you.

I agree op some of these mil and fil are beyond disgusting.

@DinaofCloud9 yes and no.

A
Mil being older and established in the family has more power and sway than the new members of the family eg dil.
Dils usually want to make a good impression and get on with sons parents but the clashes come when mil won't let them do things their way and give them breathing space.

I’m lucky, my MIL lives 25 miles away and my husbands relationship with her isn't brilliant due to a traumatic childhood leading to a messy divorce. The children were asked by the judge who they wanted to live with, all 4 of them chose their dad.

Exactly. What are you on about OP, what a silly generalisation to make. You've read a few bad posts maybe, because people tend to bring questions on problematic relationships here. Glad to hear you will be an oh so cool MIL.

But it’s not MILs. It’s not even women. It’s people. Some are lovely and some are not. And there is everything in between.

There will be lots of new mums on MN that turn into those MILs in 40 years because there will always be a spectrum of arseholes, weirdos, narcissists, bullies, perfectionists, bigots, snobs etc. and that’s without factoring in family dynamics between sons and who they hook up with.

How do you know DILs usually want to make a good impression and get on with their partners parents?

Some do sure but some aren't interested at all. Some only want their "own little family"

@DinaofCloud9 I think most women want and get "their own little family"?

The difference with over bearing mils is that they don't want them to have their own little family, it's their way or their highway.

You can have your own little family and have a wonderful respectful relationship with the aider family as well.