To ask how to politely opt out of this?

[secretsantas]

For a few years we’ve done a secret Santa on both sides of the family.

My family keep it to £10 to make it ‘something nice/funny but cheap’. We buy for all the children separately. I love doing this and then we celebrate separately with spending time together- meals, Christmas walks etc. It really takes the pressure and expense away from Christmas especially this year as I’ll be on SMP.

My ILs have just sent a message to arrange their secret Santa but have said £40 per person due to inflation and the fact we only have to buy one present each.

We weren’t even planning to buy gifts for adults more than something small and homemade for parents in law as 1) cost of living, and 2) none of the others have shown any interest in us or our baby over the past year not through lack of our trying. They probably haven’t thought from a cost perspective as none of them have young children so will be out of touch with the reality of SMP.

I really don’t want to spend £80 combined with DH.

How do we politely step back from this without upsetting anyone? I probably won’t even spend £40 on DH!

Just message saying that as finances are really tight this year then unfortunately you will have to opt out of this year's secret santa.

You don't need to say anything else and they should respect that.

Your husband contacts his parents and says, please don't include our names in the secret santa draw this year.

Yeah it has to come from your husband I think. Make sure he's clear about it though!

I don't think £40 in a family secret Santa is a crazy thing to suggest or anything - it's hard to find something decent for a tenner these days. So I don't think MIL has done anything wrong here.

But also perfectly reasonable for you to say it's over budget for you this year so you'll sit it out, but very much looking forward to seeing them at dinner on the 23rd or whatever.

I think £40 for an adult is a lot tbh! I wouldn’t spend that on someone’s birthday. Like I say maybe PILs but not a cousin who we rarely see

There's no right or wrong answer here, but the point of secret Santa is to cut on budgets and shopping. £40 on one person is still going to be a lot less than a tenner on each family member, and probably easier to think of something nice for £40 than £10! A tenner really doesn't buy much these days and rules out most nice chocolates, perfume, fancy toiletries, wine, whiskey etc - all the easy presents.

Like I say, nothing wrong at all with saying it doesn't work for you this year, but I don't think MIL is in the wrong at all. Just get DH to say no thanks this year (and obviously that you don't expect anyone to buy for you.)

Do you get to put a wishlist? If money is tight it's frustrating to spend £40 and get something you don't want in return. Higher risk than when a few people buy you small gifts. But if there's something you'd be buying yourself anyway - like a bottle of gin and a couple of bottles of wine - you could ask for those so you're still taking part but not so out of pocket.

Just tell them you’ve already done your shopping for this year and you haven’t budgeted for that so you’ll have to opt out.

I agree the MIL hasn’t done anything wrong by asking, but surely the main point of Secret Santa is to opt in rather than have it thrust upon you. I’d love a £40 thing as a treat but there is no way on earth I can reciprocate at this time. So I’d opt out.

Tell her that you are really stretched and that you will opt out of secret Santa but look forward to see them to spend time with family.

Hi sorry but we have budgeted for Christmas already @£10 a head..
Don't be bullied by others into how you spend your own money...

What was it before it was £40?

You can of course opt out but it's a bit odd to think of it as spending £40 on a random cousin. £40 is your contribution to the entirety of gift giving on the IL side.

How are children going to work on your IL side? It might look grabby to step back from spending at all on adults but then keep receiving gifts from them to the baby for the next decade or more.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong amount to spend on Secret Santa as it’s all comparable to income.

Just reply and say that you can’t take part in it this year due to finances but are looking forward to still seeing everyone at Christmas.

Op says it was £10...

Reply "Sorry but no, we are cutting right down this year so shall we scrap Secret Santa or leave it at £10?"

I read it that her side do £10, jokey thing, and they do children separately, ILs' side was unspecified until the hike to £40.

Fair enough though, I can see it can be read as £10 jumping to £40 too.

I thought she just said that her own family do £10.

No that is her side of the family where she’s happy to spend a tenner x2 plus extra on children.

OP clearly you don’t like your in-laws. What does your husband say about being part of secret Santa for your family but not his?

Some good suggestions…Do it fast though before they include you in the draw!

He also thinks £40 is excessive. It’s not about not liking them, we see two of them regularly (inc the one who’s arranging it) and the rest are actively not very nice despite us trying.

Yes how you took it is right

last year the IL limit was £20

Get your DH to speak to his parents, advise them you have already budgets to do the same as last year and you can’t afford more, so either they reduce it back or accept you won’t be taking part. Then set some expectations for next year along the lines of £20 max and presents for children up to age 18

Thank you. It's still a big hike. Anything like that should be discussed between the participants, not imposed by edict. I'd be tempted to open up a wider discussion on keeping it to £20 or just raising to £25 - but I am not a fan of the "let's not do gifts" but then surprising people with something anyway.

You can simply say no, we would prefer not to take part this year thanks. That is your right. I don't think there is a magic way to control others' reaction to it though, especially if they will all be buying for your baby.

At the end of the day it's £40 extra over last year. Without assuming anything, I have to ask is it worth all the drama for that really?

I understand where you are coming from, but maybe if you suggested a compromise of £30 that might work. But again, not worth the hassle IMV. I am very sorry if I insulted you by suggesting this. £40 may be make or break for you.

If you really can't afford the £40, then DH needs to tell his parents that, either that you'll opt out completely, or you'll stick to a tenner. But if you opt out, will you still need to get something to open for lots of people instead? Will it in fact add up to more?