To want to leave my husband for these reasons?

[PoppyGalore1]

I’m keen to hear others opinions. Do I try with my marriage or just end it? We have a young son and I do a majority of the parenting, I also work full time.

My husband has quite a demanding stressful job which I empathise with, however… He doesn’t do anything around the house, cleaning, laundry, he might cook a meal when I’m putting my son to bed. It’s not everyday though. He does bath times and takes our son swimming once a week, and we alternate bedtimes etc depending on how busy his week is.

But. This weekend I need him to be sole carer for our child as I have a job interview with tasks that need to be complete by Monday. He said he was working late this evening and he came home absolutely hammered. I feel like it’s just a total lack of respect for me.

Hammered as in drunk?

Very disrespectful. What a pity he will have to deal with dc with a hangover.

Well he's looking after his son with a hang over. Crack on with your prep, good luck for the interview

Was he out with clients or contacts as part of his role? Or just with friends. FIrst I do still count as work as I am in a role that has this type of networking

Hangovers shouldn't prevent him caring for his child when you have stuff to do I would make him get up and get on with it

I would read hammered as drunk.

he can parent tomorrow with a hangover. It’ll be unpleasant, but unless you think he’ll be unsafe, wake him up and get on with your interview prep.

Do you need to be home to do the work you have planned or can you ship out to somewhere that you can't become the default parent this weekend?

Well it's either drunk or with a hammer buried in his head. I think I'm going for drunk.

Go somewhere else for the weekend and leave him to it

He is trying to sabotage your interview, is he jealous?

Is it a step up for you?

If there were still good times when the feelings were there, I would sit him down for a very serious come-to-Jesus talk and say the situation is making you so unhappy that you can’t continue in the marriage if change doesn’t happen.

If does sound like the work is imbalanced, but he doesn't do nothing if he cooks sometimes, does half of bedtimes, takes him swimming weekly.

It just sounds like you need a good conversation about how to make the routine work for both of you in a sustainable way. If his job is genuinely much more stressful then I guess it's fair you maybe pick up the odd extra chore, but otherwise you just need to communicate and find common ground.

Whoever doesn't do bedtime cooks. One does laundry, other does cleaning.

I don't think it's break up a family territory, unless he is happy to watch you do the majority and won't change.

Yes it seems like he did that on purpose. He's already taking the piss leaving the bulk of domestic things to you even though you both work full time (why the fuck do so many men do that? Do they think the button that turns the hoover on also makes their dick fall off?)

If at all possible, leave the house alone and do your tasks at a coffee shop, friend or family members house, or sat in the car in a car park.
Even if it's 10 times harder for you, take your child into the bedroom, say to your husband right I'm off going to get my tasks done on the laptop somewhere quiet, see you tonight.

I think this is necessary but I wouldn't get into it this weekend. I'd have it logged for later. This weekend needs to be about preparing for the interview and not spending that energy on the relationship.

You can leave your husband for any reason you want. I spent far too long in my ex marriage trying to figure out if I could leave for certain reasons, when I should have just left because I wanted to. It’s only really when you get out that you realise how bad things were in my experience.

Is having him around adding to your life or subtracting from it?
Would your life be easier by taking him out of the equation?
If being single would mean your life is an 8/10 and being with husband makes life 7/10 - you're better off without him.

Weigh it up and be honest.
If you find you're dragged down by the workload and he doesn't help.
If you're ragged down by managing his moods.
Dragged down by being a sounding board for his complaints.
Dragged down by him and his constant "Can't do cause tired" schtick.
And a myriad of other dragging down moments..

Each of these little things is a subtraction from a 10/10.

But when kids are involved, it's important that the decision is a good one for everyone. Family break ups and the resulting split in homes/time/custody/blended families has a huge impact on children, it's definitely something someone should spend time thinking about before doing, unless there's abuse.

Your life is not going to be easier as a single parent.

maybe try telling him how his behaviour has upset you?

Take your laptop to a café and leave him to it. If you do split he will have his dc hangover or not.

The coming home drunk does seem as if it's on purpose. I second the advice to go out somewhere to prepare for your interview, assuming he's not still drunk this morning and is safe to be left with the children. Hungover = tough luck.

Put a pin in the whole question about the future until you've done your interview. It does sound as if there's an imbalance, the question is whether he's willing to genuinely listen and work on it - look at his behaviour over time, not his words. Be cautious about throwing a grenade into your family setup, but the getting drunk when you need him to step up is absolutely unacceptable.

Very much this, too.

Let's assume he socialises with clients, it is therefore okay to get hammered??

On a whole other point, is getting hammered with clients good for business?

I don't get your point.

My point is he can still do the childcare he promised with a hangover or not.

I wouldn't be bemoaning he had to go out if it was for work but if he chose just to go out and get drunk Just with mates I would have more reason to be even crosser.

I do work in a field where some do get drunk with their clients. I choose not to.

You don’t need ‘reasons’ other than you want to leave

@PoppyGalore1 , I voted YABU, because while your DH does need to change, this is not something worth ending your marriage over. You will then be alone, with less help, so it doesn't fix the issue, and creates more issues, e.g. financial insecurity, and the lifelong emotional consequences for your child growing up being passed between the two of you like a parcel.

You need to talk to him calmly and explain the issue. Find out what is going on in his head. Try mediation if necessary. If possible, fix the cleaning issue by getting a cleaner. Agree jobs he can take full responsibility for.

You did not say the age of your child, but hopefully your DH will take more interest as they grow older.

That’s his lookout. He knew before he got drunk that he had duties this weekend.
As for leaving him, only you know how it is. Have you tried to talk about how you feel about the division of responsibilities ?