To think I'll never have sex ever again

[Notanytimesoon]

Or be attractive to a man ever again. The concept is so alien to me.

Mid 40s, fat, tired, single parent and I have no life outside of work and looking after DC. Weekends consist of playdates as I work full time, housework and change overs with ex. My life is extremely limited, self esteem is in tatters, my physical and mental health is low. I look back at my marriage and my ExH was only interested when I dressed up, full hair and make up. He gawped at women all the time. I've felt mostly unattractive my whole lifek and except for the decade I was married, I've always been unattractive and unloved.

I'm not looking for another love of my life but wonder if I will ever have a date, a shag or a relationship ever again.

You were unfortunately married to a totally inadequate man. Does this walking piece of human excrement ever deign to be responsible for your children? If so, then you need to make some time to build yourself up after this POS has dragged you down!

Counselling would probably be a good idea to deal with your MH issues, and when you are hopefully feeling stronger, then you could look at diet and exercise, plus hobbies you could take up to meet people.

You are still a young woman, trust me, and your DC will grow up sooner than you think, so you need to build a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around them. Maybe do something like join the PTA (it wasn't my 'bag' but I made friends that way!) Nurture your relationships with other mums on the playdates - you may or may not gel, but it's something worth exploring.

And don't be so hard on yourself! You will have sex/a relationship again if that's what you want x

I’m married & I don’t want it ever again… Not with DH anyway!

i haven’t had sex in nearly 8 years, lone parent, no childcare, actually feel sad about it and wonder if it will ever happen again now so it’s not just you

OMG I hear you!!!

Therapy for the self esteem.

Carve out time when child is with ex for some self care/hobby etc

But a good vibrator. Men are over rated.

your life is far from over, your child will be grown before you know it, you’ve decades of life ahead of you. Don’t let your shitty ex define your self worth and your future!

It's kinda up to you?

"Buy a vibrator"

Wow, absolutely fantastic advice 🙄

If you want sex it's not hard to find as a woman.

It might not be hard to have sex, but if your self esteem has taken a big hit, and you are feeling ‘unloved’ and unattractive, it’s probably not the best idea to jump into casual sexual relationships with people who don’t care about you.

Well the first thing that needs to happen is rebuilding your sense of self and your self esteem. You should never get involved in a relationship when you don't love and value yourself. Taking care of your physical and mental wellbeing is essential when a single parent and carving out pockets of time for you is important.

Regular haircuts 4 times a year even if you don't colour it, it'll look better and neat.

Clean hands and nails, hand cream kept next to wherever you sit so you remember to apply and a slick of clear varnish once a week same with foot care, keep Flexitol in the bedside table to slather your feet before bed to keep painful cracked heels at bay.

Basic skincare to protect from the weather even if it's a £6 Oil of Olay moisturiser. Moisturise your body when you get out of the shower a couple of times a week. Nivea shower moisturiser in the shower is great and the big blue bottle afterwards is good for ongoing moisture.

Dental appointments - like gold dust here but booking a hygienist appointment is possible even though there are no dentists

Do these things for you as it is preventative of sore skin, or painful teeth etc.

Hobbies, tricky when at home with small children.
I like doing dance workouts on YouTube, it increase physical activity, is quite fun and gets some endorphins going and you can make it as high or low impact as you like

Take up something as a new skill - learning something builds self esteem and faith in your own abilities, crochet is great for beginners. I'm always a bit embarrassed to mention it but turns out 4 other women in my dispersed team do it and we often swap patterns etc.

I like theatre so started taking DD at a very young age to tots shows, she's a teen now and it's very much 'our' thing and it's always given me a bit of 'me' back.

Thanks for replying.

I'm in no danger of jumping into a relationship at all, I'm capable of being so socially isolated that this may never happen. I don't think any man would look at me anyway. I just feel my whole life went from being married to completely and utterly single.

I don't think people who are married can ever know how life might be when you separate or divorce. I never thought my marriage would end and personally I don't know how to be single or date ever again.

You can learn though - when you're ready. It doesn't sound to me as if you are anywhere near ready.

Look after yourself x

It's not that I want sex or a relationship, I'm just thinking how remote the chances are for me now.

To be honest it's not something I really want, or more to the point, I just see sex and relationships as being an area of life completely closed off to me following my marriage ending. I don't feel that strongly about it either way I guess, I just think it will never happen and it's odd that one minute you are married and coupled up and the next not.

I honestly don't think you should even be thinking about it at all. Concentrate on yourself, and healing.

In a year, two years, five years, you could find yourself in a totally different place. I think any woman going through a seperation had a crisis of confidence. I know my friends did. One had a full-on breakdown, but she's happy many years now into her second marriage. Another is just regrouping a year and a half after her split. They were married for 25 years. Be gentle with yourself and don't think too far ahead.

I feel the same way @Notanytimesoon - I am also a single parent and also divorced, but I am in my 50s (I got divorced at 49).

I was very shy and had never had a boyfriend before exh. Now that I am divorced I have reverted to type basically.

Mostly I don’t care (ish), but if I occasionally find someone attractive it can be quite painful as at my age anyone I might like is invariably unavailable.

The pain is to do with the passing of time and feeling sad that my one experience of romantic love so to speak was in a marriage which was awful for many years 😔.

On the other hand when there is no one around to feel sad about I feel okay, if slightly cut off from life in a way. And I also think that being single means I avoid a whole array of potential crap. I have enough problems of my own without taking on someone else’s flaws and manipulative behaviour.

I think what I probably find hardest is wondering what is wrong with me… why have I always been so shy around men and what is it about me that means that in any setting I am in I am often in a very small minority of people who are not in a couple…

But compared to being married to my ex being single is a continuous source of amazement and joy to be honest.

Maybe just for now find time to do one thing to make you feel better. Hair cut, new outfit, get to an exercise class, any one thing you're missing that's not impossible to sort out.

@How2024 thanks so much for your reply. This is exactly how I feel. Your words feeling like you've reverted back to type is so spot on for me.

I was a complete loner growing up. I only ever had one boyfriend before meeting ExH and it has taken me almost twenty years to realise that it was an extremely abusive relationship (physically and mentally). When I met ExH my life went from being a loner to being actually coupled up and entered the world of being socially accepted.

I also agree that mostly my life is very stress free now without a bad marriage but the loneliness and feeling like a complete outsider is very upsetting inside.

How old are your children?

As they get older, your options open up.

Also, how long ago did you split with your (arsehole) ex? It can take a long time to unhear the things they said or unsee the things they did. I spent best part of 5 years feeling like you did. Now I am older, wiser and the kids are older, so I was able to open up my social life a bit, then a bit more.

Oddly enough, now I can date etc, I dont want to! I was in a relationship that I ended a few weeks ago and I dont miss it. Dont miss him. Am happy, happier than I have ever been in my whole life.

Is that all I said? Did I say it was the answer?

There is a lot for OP to unpack here, I suggested therapy and self care/prioritising herself as starter points. If OP feels more secure, settled and sure of herself she can then consider a relationship which suits her.

Also, good vibrator never hurt anyone!

Stop trying to argue with strangers on the internet 😘

Well I understood your point about a vibrator 😉

Less useful is therapy though. I haven't had the best of luck with therapists for various reasons. I don't know what I can do to help me unpack the issues. Some are deep rooted and the last few years traumatic for a lot of reasons. In the meantime I know I must try to look after myself and get physically and mentally better.

DC primary age so I'm in the thick of it.

I separated three years ago. Time has gone all cock eyed. Being lonely and isolated with non stop DC and work routines has meant the time has flown by. I look at DC some days and think how has that been possible and what shitty life I've given them. I definitely don't recognise myself when catching a glimpse of the extremely fat and ugly weather worn lady in shop windows.

Rambling now sorry.

Thanks to posters who understand my situation. It's much more than just about having a shag or relationship, I realise I'm pretty broken inside.

You're not fat and ugly, you're just not feeling like the woman you used to be. Also your ex is still whispering in your brain.

You'll get there sweetie you really will. As you say, you're in the thick of it, but this doesn't last forever I promise. You are beautiful, funny, loved and kind.

Oh dear please cut yourself some slack OP you've come out of a marriage to a man who sounds like he was pretty awful for your self-esteem. I bet he's no prince himself, how often did he put in the effort I wonder. You sound pretty great bringing your kids up and keeping shit together, that's no mean feat, genuinely!

Focus on what is important to you and learn to like yourself. Treat yourself sometimes, you have no doubt earned it. Go for the occasional pedicure (or do it yourself) there's nothing like sparkly toes to remind you that you can have nice things if you want them. Also, bear in mind that when people fall for each other they find things in each other that are beautiful even if you don't see them yourself. My OH loves my laugh - but honestly, I hate it! I snort like a fat hairy hog ffs. Just because you can't see your beauty right now, don't assume that no one else will.

I've been through many periods of drought over the past ten years and not through choice as I adore sex! But I find it very hard to find men interested in me.
However, every time I think it will never happen again it eventually does. Do you do online dating? That's where I've found mine. They never amount to anything but I love the sex so it's worth it for me.