Lonely teenagers. Any other mums out there no how sad it feels as a mum?

[Pippyls67]

Anyone else have a lonely teenage who finds mixing and making friends a struggle. Mine is 18 and has everything going for him -( good looking, fit, bright enough - stuff other kids might notice) he’s just incredibly shy. He’s so lonely it absolutely breaks my heart. I remember being lonely for a while too when younger- it was soul destroying. How do you cope if you’re a mum in the same position. What makes you hopeful for the future if anything? Would I be unreasonable just to trust to fate and think things will improve somehow. He’s been lonely and withdrawn socially pretty much since lockdown. He says he’d love to go out just doesn’t know how to make friends and ask to join in stuff. I feel so so inadequate as a shy mother myself. Feels like I’ve damaged him irrevocably.

Does he have a job or still studying?

Trusting to fate isn't likely to get you anywhere.

Going out and developing social skills will.

Does he have any interests he can join a club for? Tennis, choir, board games, whatever?

A friend of my son's moved back home after uni and complained he wasn't meeting any girls. It transpired he went to his job and then gamed online all evening and weekend. No surprise he wasn't meeting girls - he wasn't going out!

My son persuaded him to join a tennis club. He still hasn't met a girl he likes but at least he leaves the house once a week!

That's tough. I think you probably need to support him to get into activities where he can meet people if you can.

I sent mine out to work on Saturdays.

We are only ever as happy as our unhappiest child 😕
You mentioned you are shy, do you have friends? If you do how did you make friends, adults have to show kids how things are done or they have to learn for themselves which takes longer.
Is his dad in the picture? Can he take him out to a few of the local pubs for a bit until he starts recognising friendly faces and could go on his own?
Getting a job, even part time is a good place to start as lots of us make friends with colleagues, especially if he works somewhere with a good social scene, age doesn't matter the same at work!
Basically, friends are not going to come to him, he has to go out and meet people. It's difficult I know (I was brought up by parents who despised everyone, I didn't get a social life until I started working at 18 and got a car so they couldn't stop me anymore!) but sitting at home being lonely is a viscous circle. He needs to do something .

I think a job in a young social environment- pub, restaurant - would be your answer here.

Agree with a Saturday job, or volunteering if no jobs around. Might dig his heels in and say no at first but it will help. I volunteered at a small independent gallery at that age and made friends

At 18, the best way I found to make friends was Uni and working in the local wetherspoons. Loads of staff, and almost everyone is under 25 yrs old 😊

Did he have the opportunity to develop social skills as a child at Scouts / sports club?

He needs to find people he has things in common with and give it time. Ramblers Clubs, football, park run, gym, rugby, geology society, local history group, green gym and conservation volunteering, Am Dram - whatever he is in to. Then go for at least 6 months so he isn't the new person anymore, then suggest a trip to the pub or cafe for a drink afterwards to start developing friendships.

He has to put effort in if he wants it to happen, friends aren't going to fall into his lap.

Is he at college or working? If college he needs a part time job if he doesn’t have one. Does he have any hobbies? If not is there something you could join together initially? My daughter is very shy too, and it is hard. She does have a small group of friends at school / sixth form now but I do worry about uni etc. Her brother is very social and I can see the benefits this brings him and he’d having an amazing time at uni. Her dad and I are both very social too. She is who she is though, and is happy to blend into the background. So much so her school were flabbergasted in year 10 when they gave an award for highest academic achievement and it was her. She never put up her hand and most teachers hadn’t noticed how bright she is. I wish there was something I could do to give her more confident as she is so bright, and absolutely stunning looks wise. She has so much going for her and she cannot see any of it. So difficult OP, I do hope he finds a group of good friends soon

Mine is 16 and the same.

He's ok at school. Has a couple of friends there but once home for the weekend, he doesn't meet up with them or even chat online.

I've insisted on him continuing a karate class he has done since he was six and finally he has a sparring partner of the same age. They get on well. Haven't agreed to meet up outside class yet, but it's a start.

And I persuade him into our local town with me whenever I can, so he knows the bars and cafes. If he is invited to meet up somewhere or plucks up the courage to suggest it, he'll be comfortable knowing where to go and what to expect.

Feeling lonely is horrible. 🙁

It is a lot about having a shared interest. He needs to do a sociable job or do a sociable hobby. Sports are great but any hobby where you have to physically be in the same place as others will help.

DS is 18 too but had no real friends all through secondary school, he didn't have a friend over or meet up with anyone though his whole time there. I was really worried about him, he's autistic so he found a large secondary school with classes and people constantly changing a difficult place to make friends. However when school finished he started an apprenticeship in something he loved and found his tribe there.

The trick is to put yourself outside your comfort zone and take a risk. If he's still at school then the key is to get chatting to people sat next to him in lessons, help them out with work, then ask them what they're doing at lunch - he probably knows everyone well if he's been at the same school since 11 and is now at 6th form with them so it's just taking that scary risk of asking if he can join.

If he's at uni then the scary step is joining societies and clubs, you've got to put yourself out your comfort zone and be prepared for it sometimes to work out and sometimes not. Before DS started his apprenticeship I talked to him a lot about needing to put the effort in and doing things that didn't necessarily come easily or naturally, taking risks that sometimes don't work out but sometimes do - because he couldn't just isolate himself from his colleagues and the other apprentices as he would need to work with them. Anyway he put himself out there at the first event where they all met and hasn't looked back since. So don't think it can't all turn around quite suddenly!

What is he doing at the moment?

Is he definitely lonely? I have a ds like this, bit younger. He does a group thing once a week but even after a year, doesn't seem to know anyone's name. Never wants to meet up with friends from school. Never invites anyone over. He will be getting a post time job as soon as he's old enough, because I worry about his social skills and I've done lots of talking about how to behave in social situations/ get past the fear etc. But I'm beginning to accept that this may just be who he is.

Dd worries me more at the minute, because she does have friends.... but they're shit. She actually is lonely, because she'd love the kind of friends to go to a cafe with or see a film. Again, she does all the 'right' things , but can't seem to get herself a decent friend.

My brother had few, if any, friends at school. He never talked about it much then and doesn’t talk about it much as an adult either but I knew people who went to his school and I’m pretty sure there was some low level bullying going on. He never went to a party, or hung out with mates in the holidays. I remember one boy he was friendly with who came over because they had a piece of homework they were doing together but that’s pretty much it. He was miserable and used to come home and comfort eat.

I just want to say his life turned out totally ordinary and fine - he owns a 3 bedroom end of terrace house which he lives in with his wife and two kids. They go on one proper holiday a year and have two 2017ish plate cars on the drive. His friends now are the husbands of his wife’s friends.

School sucks but your son will be fine in the end, he just hasn’t found his tribe.

My son is like this he’s very introverted. I’ve signed him up for volunteering at swimming lessons which leads to a lifeguard qualification. He’s great with kids and I’m at the gym all the time - I know they’re kind friendly people there. I’ve told him it’s for his CV but really it’s to get him more engaged and sociable. He’s 14. Maybe do something like this?

cant leave it to fate, he’s got to put in the work I’m afraid. PPs suggestions over getting a weekend job are good.

As someone who also grew up shy and with a lot of social anxiety, I would highly recommend getting him into therapy if you can. It helped me massively as an adult and I so wish I could go back to 18 and start therapy then, so as not to miss out on the many opportunities through the years due to feeling so anxious and the emotional toll it takes on you.
Also would definitely recommend him finding a hobby/activity that he enjoys, which will build confidence, teach new skills, as well as introduce him to more people that can potentially become friends, but even if not, the regular interactions will develop social skills needed to put himself out there more and find friends in different situations.

What kind of friendships, socialising, and attitude to relationships with other people are you modelling for him? You say you’re also ‘shy’ so, assuming you have friends, this would be a great way to help see what he needs to do.

I get it. DD2 is 16 and it's only since September that she's found friends. It's been really hard for her as she's also autistic (and possibly has epilepsy) and at school she never really found friends. She changed school in Y10 and found a couple of friends but that was only at school, they never met on weekends or anything.
She started at college and she has about 6 or 7 friends from her course. It obviously helps that they all have the same interests as doing the same course.
It's horrible when you know your child is lonely but if he can meet people who have the same/similar interests he should find his people. That might be a course, club or job.
Or does he think a course based on raising self confidence might help as there he'll find others who struggle with self confidence also.
Good luck I know it's hard but there's still time for him to find his group of friends.

Do you model normal social skills?

Does he see your friends pop by the house for a coffee & chat, notice you going to a weekly netball club or joining a book club, meeting colleagues for a meal after work?

I think a lot of adults are poorer at socialising now and teens are not learning through observation how adults socialise as a result.

If you are home a lot on your phone etc he'll think thats normal.

I do also think so many kids drop hobbies these days. Hobbies help you have a sense of identity! You are the kid who plays 1st clarinet in the orchestra, or the kid who went on the scout jamboree, or one of the rugby boys.

Jobs too. Too few kids work - i remember as a teen it would be "you know chris? He works with tom at tesco."

These things give kids pride, confidence and a sense of self, its so important.

Things can shift dramatically depending on what new environments teens are in. I thought this about my DS, it was hard to get him out of his bedroom after Covid, he'd just chat to peers online but couldn't see point of meeting up IRL. Even then, he didn't seemed to have met 'his tribe' at secondary schl. He's naturally quiet and, apart from one friend, didn't seem to bond closely with anyone. However, things have changed a lot since going to Uni. He's been forced out of his comfort zone and has a close group of friends and appears to be vastly more sociable now.
With hindsight, I was probably projecting my own worries about his lack of social life on to him - as my teenage years were so different. As it is, he was/is absolutely fine, and things happen in their own good time. He will get there OP, there will probably be big changes in his life over next few years.

Thank you so so much for all these responses. I’m really grateful you took the time to write them. They are very helpful. I was feeling really low and they gave me hope and lots of food for thought. He won’t talk about his situation in depth with me as it/I make him feel worse. I’m probably rubbish at saying the right thing as I get too emotionally affected by it. He does blame me - having what is really a social phobia and never mixing. I think he’s right. His dad is not much in his life. I don’t mix at all and I’ve kept him pretty isolated. I’m very anxious. God it’s grim for him. I feel appalling about it and so guilty.
He was bullied a lot after lockdown as he developed a bit of a nervous twitch. It’s improved now but he’s still untrusting of other kids. He left his school and started a sixth form college in a different area. For a fresh start. He just leaves after lessons and comes home tho. Ge doesn’t seem to particularly talk to anyone. He’s been there over a year already! He says he does try but people aren’t very responsive. That I don’t get??? He’s got to be doing something wrong. But then, I never showed him how to do it did I !! He goes to the local health club gym about three times a week and works out but with ear phones in ( like everybody else apparently!?!). So in over a year he’s never even spoken to a new person. He got a summer job working in a kitchen but kept himself to himself. It was a back room job away from the others unfortunately. He really needs to volunteer or get a more social part time job. I see that now.
We went to Tesco’s yesterday after I’d read comments on here and I talked about getting a job there and we chatted to a lad on the tills who said very encouraging things. We also went into a sports shop to get him some new gym gear and I asked a staff member about working there part time. The lad was really positive about it and so nice. Ds was nervous but seemed interested.
Hes hopefully going to Uni next year. I deeply deeply hope it works out. He’s kind of fixed the idea in his head that living with other new young people will he the answer to all his problems. He wants to join a few societies. He keeps tropical fish as his main hobby at home but of course that’ll be impossible in halls. He’ll need new interests and new pass times. He games and awful lot. I’m just preying he doesn’t resort to that though.
I guess the biggest take away from everything I’ve read though is that I myself have to change. I have to model better behaviour . I’m terrified but I totally agree. You are all absolutely right. How to begin I wonder? Im thinking local WI to start? What else do people think? Be gentle though please. I’m extremely out of practice.
Thank you everyone again. From the bottom of my heart.

@Pippyls67 everything is easier with hindsight isn't it? We could all look back at our parenting and wish we had taken them to more clubs, taken them to less clubs, gone out without them more, stayed in with them more etc! The little buggers don't pop out with a manual to ensure each one runs smoothly and has the best life possible.
We all blame our parents for our failings but at some point growing up we need to accept responsibility for ourselves, now sounds like a good time for your son to take the bull by the horns and start branching out socially for himself. Anything that you suggest that doesn't work for any reason will reinforce to him that you are the problem rather than him making his own mistakes and learning from them.
It is very difficult now as we tend to support our adult children for much longer and sometimes I don't think it helps them move forward into independence and adult decision making. I think if I were you I would support him but very much in the background if possible, be there for him of course but start treating him more like a young man that makes his own way in life including making friends if he wants them.
Wishing you both well 💐