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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday AIBU

40 replies

loulouwho1 · 01/11/2024 22:52

It was my birthday on Tuesday, not a big one. 47. We woke up as usual in the morning. DH and I both working and teenagers hanging around the house.
Not a card, present, nothing. Ok I'll see how the day goes.
I get home from work to a card from DH and the kids with some supermarket flowers.
I feel hurt that there was no thought / planning. DH accuses me of being spoiled. I think that hurts more. I'm the furthest thing from a princess! I work an insane amount of overtime consistently and I do everything for the family.
DH works full time too and contributes at home and with the kids. Generally we have a great relationship.
AIBU for being upset?
You wouldn't even have known there was anyone's birthday in the house. I just can't shake this feeling.

OP posts:
Gimmeabreak2025 · 01/11/2024 22:53

Yanbu

JabbaTheBeachHut · 01/11/2024 22:55

The flowers were thoughtful.

Why does it matter where they bought them from?

Cynic17 · 01/11/2024 22:55

People remembered. You got a card and flowers. I don't see the problem.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/11/2024 22:57

Cynic17 · 01/11/2024 22:55

People remembered. You got a card and flowers. I don't see the problem.

In the OP's place, I'd be upset that there were no cards from my husband and children in the morning. It suggests that they forgot.

2chocolateoranges · 01/11/2024 22:57

I’d be upset, I spend a lot of effort on my families birthday, eg gifts, cards, cake , banners etc

i expect some effort made on my birthday, flowers are nice but they just don’t cut it!

jackstini · 01/11/2024 22:59

Depends - what usually happens in your house for non-big birthdays?

If you always do presents, cards, cake, special meal - then YANBU

But if not - they did remember and do something, so better than a lot of posts on here where there is zero acknowledgment

Park24 · 01/11/2024 23:05

Sounds pretty thoughtless. I'm not a big one for adult birthdays at all but I'd like to have the offer of a cup of tea in bed and a couple of card to open when I woke up, the offer of a takeaway. It all sounds rather dismissive and to call you spoilt is very unfair.

Pandasnacks · 01/11/2024 23:06

What happened for your birthday last year and the last few years?

Sethera · 01/11/2024 23:06

Yes, I'd be upset. There's only me and DH at home but we do try to make birthdays special - not with expensive presents but things we actually want, such as a particular book or CD - and we have a meal out in the evening.

Original poster
loulouwho1 · 01/11/2024 23:07

I made some playful hints in the morning so I think the cards and flowers were a response to that.

I feel so stupid for feeling this way because I'm an adult and it's not important... but why couldn't he have been more organised and had a small gift / card that morning.

For everyone's birthday I make a fuss.. always get banner balloons cake etc and thoughtful gifts.

I feel like I work my balls off for this family and they can't even acknowledge my birthday.

If he'd have held his hands up I think it would be better. But now he's saying to me that he's annoyed at me being annoyed! Feels like gaslighting

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 01/11/2024 23:08

loulouwho1 · 01/11/2024 23:07

I made some playful hints in the morning so I think the cards and flowers were a response to that.

I feel so stupid for feeling this way because I'm an adult and it's not important... but why couldn't he have been more organised and had a small gift / card that morning.

For everyone's birthday I make a fuss.. always get banner balloons cake etc and thoughtful gifts.

I feel like I work my balls off for this family and they can't even acknowledge my birthday.

If he'd have held his hands up I think it would be better. But now he's saying to me that he's annoyed at me being annoyed! Feels like gaslighting

You shouldn't have had to hint. You're not being unreasonable at all.

Original poster
loulouwho1 · 01/11/2024 23:08

Park24 · 01/11/2024 23:05

Sounds pretty thoughtless. I'm not a big one for adult birthdays at all but I'd like to have the offer of a cup of tea in bed and a couple of card to open when I woke up, the offer of a takeaway. It all sounds rather dismissive and to call you spoilt is very unfair.

I'd have been absolutely delighted with this

OP posts:
Rainbowdottie · 01/11/2024 23:10

I wouldnt be upset. A card and flowers would be enough for me. It's not like they forgot. What would you want them to buy you?
I think if I wanted something specific,I'd tell my husband and he would buy it. No surprises on the birthday I grant you,but if I really wanted something, that's how it would work. Again if I'd wanted "bigger celebrations " , I'd arrange with my family/husband/kids..."hey it's my birthday next week, shall we go out to dinner?".

What would have liked to have done or received?
Edit I've just seen your response that you thought they had forgot and you would have liked cards, banners, cakes, takeaway etc. I can't comment on banners, cakes ...those things aren't important to me....I guess if I wanted a takeaway, I would have said.

Original poster
loulouwho1 · 01/11/2024 23:11

Rainbowdottie · 01/11/2024 23:10

I wouldnt be upset. A card and flowers would be enough for me. It's not like they forgot. What would you want them to buy you?
I think if I wanted something specific,I'd tell my husband and he would buy it. No surprises on the birthday I grant you,but if I really wanted something, that's how it would work. Again if I'd wanted "bigger celebrations " , I'd arrange with my family/husband/kids..."hey it's my birthday next week, shall we go out to dinner?".

What would have liked to have done or received?
Edit I've just seen your response that you thought they had forgot and you would have liked cards, banners, cakes, takeaway etc. I can't comment on banners, cakes ...those things aren't important to me....I guess if I wanted a takeaway, I would have said.

Edited

Nothing extravagant... maybe perfume or makeup.. vouchers for something. Just a token.

OP posts:
Scutterbug · 01/11/2024 23:11

Ah that’s disappointing Of course half of mumsnet think celebrating your birthday is unnecessary and you should be grateful if you get anything but I think Birthdays are a time to spoil and to show you appreciate somebody. They should have made more effort like you do for them.
I have four adult children now but from about the age of 10 they started sorting cards and thinking of ways to make birthdays special like breakfast in bed. It’s just basic kindness.

Nanny0gg · 01/11/2024 23:11

Rainbowdottie · 01/11/2024 23:10

I wouldnt be upset. A card and flowers would be enough for me. It's not like they forgot. What would you want them to buy you?
I think if I wanted something specific,I'd tell my husband and he would buy it. No surprises on the birthday I grant you,but if I really wanted something, that's how it would work. Again if I'd wanted "bigger celebrations " , I'd arrange with my family/husband/kids..."hey it's my birthday next week, shall we go out to dinner?".

What would have liked to have done or received?
Edit I've just seen your response that you thought they had forgot and you would have liked cards, banners, cakes, takeaway etc. I can't comment on banners, cakes ...those things aren't important to me....I guess if I wanted a takeaway, I would have said.

Edited

A card and a Happy Birthday first thing would have been nice...

WearyAuldWumman · 01/11/2024 23:19

Next year, OP, give your DH a card and a token pressie (garage chocs?) when you get home from work. Given his attitude, that should be more than enough.

Pancakeflipper · 01/11/2024 23:23

I'd be pissed off too.
I know on MN adults and birthdays are seen as something unnecessary. But I like birthdays.

You should be made to feel special on your birthday by those who love you. It's not the gifts but the thought.
Even if your birthday is on a busy day, they can arrange fun for the weekend.

I'm sorry its been a crap birthday. I hope you do something enjoyable (with or without the family members)

ScaredAndPanicky · 01/11/2024 23:28

I'd be disappointed too.
Or rather I am disappointed every year that my birthday goes totally unnoticed by all my family. Often not even a text from my mum or siblings. and the kids couldn't care less.
I put a lot of thought and effort into other people and it hurts that they don't give a stuff back.
So yes, maybe if the flowers and card had arrived first thing in the morning with a cup of tea. And a 'where would you like takeaway' at dinner. Yes great.
Flowers and a card that arrive because you have had to mention it, whilst you cook the dinner. No. What's the point. They might as well not have bothered.

dapsnotplimsolls · 01/11/2024 23:32

Do bugger all for their next birthdays. Enjoy the reaction.

NPET · 01/11/2024 23:33

You're right to feel as you do. I get spoilt on my birthday. There's always a boyfriend (+potential boyfriends) hanging around with cards and presents, hoping I'll go somewhere with them as a "birthday treat", and to not have that little thrill of men fighting over me would be disappointing.

Laura268 · 01/11/2024 23:36

If you buy presents and make a fuss for his birthday - then yep you have every right to be annoyed - especially if you go the whole hog with banners, balloons, cake. The least you could expect is a cup of tea in bed with some cards, hugs and kisses, and a present or two - and like you say a take-away and a chance to be 'ruler of the remote' for an evening.

Just do the same thing back to him on his birthday. See how he likes it.

Outrageous that he's calling you spoilt too....say to him- 'I think the words you are actually looking for are; I'm sorry'. I've said this to my own DH a few times when he's gotten super defensive/going down a bit of a gaslighting path about something and it's worked.

How old are your kids? Because if they're late teens (over 16yrs) - I'd be tempted to do the same to them too and when they complain say 'what goes around comes around'. There's a life lesson to be had.

It's one day of the year and in this day and age where you can order anything from Amazon for next day delivery, or same day delivery from Argos - there's really no excuse.

Shitty shitty behaviour OP.

Happy birthday anyway. Hope you can do something nice for yourself this weekend.

Merryoldgoat · 01/11/2024 23:42

I find threads like this a bit odd because it suggests that the birthday and the celebration just wasn’t mentioned in the lead up.

DH will say ‘oh your birthday is coming up - what do you fancy?’ Then we’ll discuss whether we want to go out or do presents etc.

Then the week before it’ll be a conversation - eg ‘Is your mum still ok to babysit?’ Or ‘do you want presents before or after work?’

And so on. It’s definitely not a big deal but expectations are very much laid out beforehand.

@loulouwho1 YANBU - unless there are significant financial issues then that seems very lacklustre. I’d be disappointed too.

Nogaxeh · 01/11/2024 23:48

I don't think it is unreasonable to want to have other people make you feel special once in a while, and to treat a birthday as a special day for you, and preparing for it to do so, is an obvious opportunity to do that.

You want to feel like you matter.

maryberryslayers · 01/11/2024 23:48

Then from now on this is all they get in return. A card and a generic thoughtless supermarket gift in the afternoon.