Is it OK for him to comment on my body?

[Fayruh]

I'll start off by saying I'm quite a slim woman and have few curves (borderline underweight but not). I definitely have some bum though and wear a size 8 clothing. The guy I'm seeing but not formally dating for a long while has expressed he loves a woman with curves and would love it if I gained some weight & got a bigger bum etc. as he loves curvy women. He didn't say this out of the blue as we were talking about fitness BUT it has deeply upset me, as I'm not naturally curvy and dont put on weight easily. He has said this in the past but in a respectful way where he has also expressed how he likes skinny girls too & hasn't made me feel like absolute shite. Now he's just made me feel insecure and just not good enough as that is a standard I will never be able to meet. Tbh I wouldn't have mind it if he said it in a gentler way as I'm trying to gain weight anyway.

AIBU to think that he was being unreasonable to say that?

@Opentooffers I don't love him, he is a friend though so yeah I care about him. It's not okay for him to say this to me, let me make that clear.

@Opentooffers my reason for posting this on mumsnet is to get other people's opinions before I confront him about this

@Garlicpest hmmm i appreciate that but to me it came across as more like he would love it if I were curvier... And no show of appreciation for my current physique lol

Sorry to hear this. However great his other qualities, then, he's got a massive flaw! Telling someone you'd prefer them to be different is really not good. I hope confronting him works - but do keep an eye out for other criticisms of who/what you are. You don't need to be around that.

You are letting a man tell you that your body isn't good enough for him. There is only one thing you should do and that is get him out of your life. For what it's worth you sound like you have an amazing figure but that actually is nothing to do with it. Don't let him tell you how you can improve yourself to keep him happy.

It sounds like he's trying to make you into his idea of the perfect woman, rather than appreciating and loving you for the person you actually are.

Do you want to be with someone who is trying to mould you into something else, or do you want to be with someone who simply likes you

Now he's just made me feel insecure and just not good enough as that is a standard I will never be able to meet.

Size 8 is often considered to be the gold 'standard'. If this guy doesn't like your body how it is, I guarantee hundreds of others will.

You could smile and reply along the lines of - yeah, I like men with waxed firm chests, flat abdomens, peachy bottoms, smooth backs, strong arms…..and walk off (is what I would do).

I was underweight when I was younger and HATED it. My boyfriends were always so appreciative of my body - I wouldn't have stayed with anyone who made comments like your bf OP.

Now I weight more I have curvier hips, much big boobs - my DH was with me when I was underweight, is with me now - and the whole time has said my body is beautiful. He could have easily said I was flat chested when I was too skinny. Now I'm curvier he could easily now say my tummy doesn't look as great as it did.

He doesn't. He's always lovely about my body. This isn't about what body type your partner prefers - it's about him disrespecting you.

It’s one thing to find a certain body shape attractive but it’s entirely another thing to tell the person you’re seeing that theirs isn’t it.

He’s gone a step further and suggested you change your perfectly good body shape to one he might like more.

He can fuck off.

My DP has made comments about my body (overweight) which he says come from a position of caring about my health. I can see where he’s coming from, but still this is my body and if he doesn’t fancy me like this he can find someone else. He insists he does fancy me and his actions seem to back that up, so I’ve let it slide, but your man doesn’t even have the health excuse.

He’s purely talking about your body as a visual aid for his sexual arousal. Twat.

I voted YABU

But to be clear, I did it because I've not read anything this ridiculous for a while.

You KNOW the answer and you KNEW the reaction you'd get from Mumsnet when you typed your OP.

Pretty pointless really 🤷‍♂️

Tell him you prefer a bigger cock.

And then tell him that he is a big cock

Nope. It's not ok that he's commented on your physique - why's he with you? Just another gaslighting ar£e. I'm sure if you managed to gain a bit of weight he'd start pinching belly as a 'joke' and comment on non-existent cellulite..

wlf
.to be clear I'm 66 year old pirate/sailor ..retired.
You are what you are kid
My girlfriend is always saying the same thing..
And I'm her toy boy. HA
Hey , my advice. Move on to someone who concerts with you. Not what society tell you
.

Excellent advice here

What's the point of this conversation or comment and what's the point of you confronting him about it. Comments about body shape and preferences are nearly always going to end badly. He shouldn't say things that make you feel bad, you shouldn't let him carry on the arrangement with you while also making you feel bad. Move on.

From a health perspective if you are in a long term relationship- yes

Deciding he would like you to have bigger boobs/ass - no

If he wants someone with a different body type to you then he should never have been seeing you in the first place.

You don't start dating someone and then tell them to change.

You are perfect as you are - he's a moron - bin him!

The guy I'm seeing but not formally dating for a long while
Sorry to be blunt, but if you are looking for a permanent relationship then you need to be fully aware that anyone in this position does not and will not love you, and they will not be with you long term. People who fall in love do not keep this tentative fuck-buddy-don't-know-where-you-stand status for a long while. They just don't. So bin him.

would love it if I gained some weight & got a bigger bum etc. as he loves curvy women
You deserve to be with someone who wants you and tells you they want you. You should never need to change how you look for someone else's sexual kicks, and it takes an immense arrogance for a man to suggest that you should. So bin him.

He has said this in the past but in a respectful way where he has also expressed how he likes skinny girls too
This bit is the more subtle negging. You should have got rid of him then. Still, not too late, bin him now.

Have a conversation with him about his comments and ask him why he's seeing you if his preference is for a woman to be curvaceous. I'd want him to realise that stating you like a completely different body type is quite hurtful.

“Is that so Dave? Well, as it happens, I’d “love it” if you had a better attitude and a bigger cock, but we don’t all get what we want”.
It is not acceptable for him to say this shit to you but I would fight fire with fire, see how he likes it!

In some ways it says something for your relationship that he is confident enough to tell you.

That's one of the dumbest things I've ever seen on Mumsnet.

Hang around mumsnet is full of garbage

He's negging you.

You don't choose a partner then try to change their physique, you choose a partner as a package including physique. As he sounds only like a fuck buddy rather than a relationship, he can just piss off.