to feel petrified? (OCD Exposure Therapy)

[NC4thread]

NC for this thread.
Important Info: Lifetime of mild OCD symptoms until a few years ago when I had a major OCD induced breakdown. Left suicidal. Much better now, but still not healed. Apologies if this is long.

During my major OCD breakdown, I became obsessed with reading horoscopes, fortune telling, and the like. I never believed in any of it (still don’t) but my OCD convinced me that I had to check these things in order to avoid bad things happening. They were always the generic horoscopes you’d find in the papers or on your aunt’s Facebook, so I felt reassured reading them because it was generic like “you will speak to someone polite today” or “30% chance of rain today so bring an umbrella!”. Then I read one that was a little bit more specific (still at a stretch though) and because I was so deep into the OCD, it triggered a panic attack, and I genuinely felt my only option to avoid this bad thing happening was to end it all.

Fast forward to now, I’ve put boundaries into place and stopped consuming things like that. However, I do know from treatment, that “boundaries” can quickly become “avoidance”. The only sure fire cure for OCD triggers is to expose yourself to them, and face the fear, so when a few family members mentioned they’d be going to a holistic fair in my hometown at the weekend, a very brave version of me said “I’ll go too so that I can face my fear.”

I’m not feeling so brave now. I know I have to do it. My OCD will create 1000s of horrible scenarios that I’ll torture myself with, so at least if I’m there, I can see those things won’t happen. I’m terrified some con artist medium will approach me randomly and say “oh this terrible thing is going to happen to you” or “oh you are going to be a terrible person/do a terrible thing”, and that my OCD will take over, run with it, and convince me that a) it’s true or b) I have to end things to avoid that becoming true. The people I’m going with have zero wish to go anywhere near those people, and are only going for the handmade jewelry and crystals (which I also don’t believe in). I’m purely going to face a fear.

But I’m petrified. I know it’s the anxiety of facing a long held fear, I know it’s my OCD spinning stories of all the ways it could go horribly wrong. I suppose I just need a handhold? Some reassurance (not reassurance seeking though) that I’ll be alright?

Sorry, in case it’s not clear: I’m not worried I’ll suddenly believe the potential medium over common sense, I’m worried that my OCD will use it to twist my brain into thinking my life is doomed and I need to end it all.

OCD thrives off of doubt. If you haven’t experienced it firsthand, imagine a friend randomly telling you “The sky is green.” You look at them oddly and go “No, it’s blue?”. Then they laugh and go “Are you stupid? It’s green.” And you insist and insist it’s blue, all while your “friend” is laughing and saying “but what if it’s really green and you just didn’t know or didn’t see it.” You still think your friend is bonkers, but a part of you thinks “but what if the sky is green? What if my friend is right and I’m wrong?”

So maybe you ask a 2nd friend, and that friend says “of course the sky is blue, don’t be silly.” You think “ah, ok, see it is blue!”. But then time passes and you think “but why would my friend lie to me? What if my 2nd friend is lying to me?” And thus begins the cycle of doubt that keeps you trapped.

I’m worried that someone will say “this bad thing will happen/you’ll be doomed to be trapped in this bad life” and while one part of me is thinking “what a dope”, my OCD will think “what if they’re right?” - and that will start the downward spiral

Hi OP. I know a lot about OCD as I have a family member with it, so I totally understand your fears.
But you know what, I'm delighted to read how brave you are in making the decision to go to this event and face them.
It might be hard or it might be easier than you think, but once you've been there and done that exposure you're another step closer to recovery.
You can do it!!
And I'm here rooting for you, sending you a virtual hug and a virtual hand hold .
You got this.

As an OCD sufferer (mine is contamination OCD so a little different) I completely understand how the thoughts take over and you can't rationalise them, or you can rationalise them in the reasonable part of your brain but the OCD won't let you get rid of the bad thoughts. I actually don't know whether it would work or not, I honestly can't see anything good coming from you going to be honest.

Thank you so much! I did honestly expect a reply like “get over it, you crazy person!!”.

I do need to reframe it more of “once it’s done, it’s done, and it’ll be an accomplishment.” I’ve set up a plan for a “treat” afterwards, to reward myself for facing it (even if I’ll be white knuckling through). I am very worried that one of my “what if” thoughts will come true, or worse, I’ll be so deep in fight or flight, I’ll ruin the event for the people I’m with

It’s part of the ERP treatment plan. Go there, face my fears, resist compulsions and just let whatever happens, happen. I’ve done it before, so I know it does work, but the build up to an exposure is always horrible for me.

Ah I see, sorry I am just going off my own experience and I've never even got close to doing exposure therapy because I don't think I could do it so I'm probably projecting.

Hi OP, my DS had very severe OCD (pure O) and he was also suicidal because of it. ERP was the only thing that helped him. I hope it works for you.

I know how hard it is to take that first step but, if and when it works, you will feel so much relief. Good luck op, remember that it takes real strength to take this step so you’re already well on your way.

It is very difficult, and it’s taken me around 3 years to even think of starting it, and I fall off the wagon so easily, it’s almost not worth it. But I’m so afraid of it enveloping my completely again, that I feel I have to try because there’s no other (good) option for me. It’s either I try all I can or traumatize my loved ones (which sounds very blunt and harsh but is, unfortunately, true)

Thank you, and all my love to you and your son. There’s a saying that once you’ve been hit with suicidal ideation or actively planning, it’s like a scar that stays with you for the rest of your life - like a broken bone that never fully heals. Only a small percentage of very unfortunate people know what it’s truly like, and I’m very sorry your son has to be part of that percentage with the rest of us. Also very sorry for what you must have gone through - I know it was an extremely difficult time for my parents as well. They truly didn’t know if they were going to lose a child or not, and that cannot be easy

@NC4thread I’m so sorry to hear your horrible experiences with OCD, and those of others mentioned. It can be such a terrible and debilitating condition. I also had severe OCD where I became suicidal. I’ve successfully got better with a combo of SSRI (only took a tiny bit of the edge off) and ERP so agree with you it definitely works even though it’s hideous. My first thought was, have you built up to this exposure gradually by doing smaller steps? Sometimes if I jumped in too far with exposure I could trigger off a worse OCD episode (although only temporarily.) If you’re getting support, hopefully through a therapist, and you’ve built up to this, then it sounds like this is the next step. Very scary but it’ll be totally worth it to get well. Feel free to PM if helpful. Good luck x

Thank you so much!! I have built up, in that I first began by reading a random horoscope and then resisting the compulsion to dissect it for meaning. I’ve also watched a movie containing a medium, and have done some reading on this particular fair. All of which caused anxiety, but I was able to get through it. Tomorrow is the “big” one though, I suppose. I have been largely doing the ERP alone, but am fortunate to have people around me trained in this that I can “unofficially” rely on as guides through it.

And I’m so sorry you went through it too. Agree with you that SSRI’s only take the edge off. I was already on a low dose for an anxiety disorder separate to OCD, but it was going on a higher dose for those months that eventually got me through it (and of course a combination of therapy techniques - I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was a young child due to trauma, so already knew all the “tips and tricks” - but they were useless without the crutch of medication)

Oh gosh, it is marvelous you want to work on it but it is really best done under the guidance of a professional. Exposure therapy is made out of very small steps gradually ramping up the intensity and you are planning to jump at the dip end. With any luck, you'll look at some crystals and avoid the clairvoyants. But if not, I fear this may be a much for the first go.

can you just go along for 10 minutes and count that as progress, try and stay close to your comfort zone,
I have anxiety and find small and safe is the best way to get through

I think you are very brave OP. I have a close relative with a diagnosis of OCD and have seen the suffering it causes. I just hope one day there will be more effective treatments for it. Sending you best wishes and courage.

Hi op I have a lot of experience with OCD, I won't go over it here.
The only question I have is whether this is actually ERP.
You say that your anxiety was something bad happening, your compulsion was reading horoscopes - I may have misunderstood but I would have thought resisting the temptation to interact with 'woo' was the exposure therapy (ie doing things you want to do without that reassurance).

I don't think you should go. I don't think it's exposure therapy to go to an unregulated event where vulnerable people are preyed on to seek meaning or reassurance in their lives.

Exposure therapy is something that is very strategically planned and managed, with clear exit strategies if it's too much for the person.

I sincerely hope that you can be free of your OCD. My DD3 is in the grips of it now and I know how awful it is.

I don't think this is the answer, and I agree with a previous poster that recovery might look more like knowing the event is happening and refusing to go.

I do understand some think this will backfire, but the point of facing the fear is that maybe it will backfire, maybe it won’t, but I shouldn’t be letting the fear of it backfiring stop me from doing what I would ordinarily do (spend the day with family). My OCD avoidance gets so bad that if I let this win, and don’t face this fear, I will never go to that specific hotel that it’s being held at. Then I’ll develop further into not going by that street, that neighborhood, and so on and so forth to the point it could genuinely become a situation that I am stuck in my house.

My OCD has tried to convince me that I couldn’t eat certain foods, wear certain clothes, say certain words or use things with certain numbers (for example, huge issues with the number 9 - which is tricky as it’s in my birthdate!!).

If I don’t put myself into the deep end, I’ll never overcome it. I’m an all or nothing type of person (always have been for treatment methods), and throwing myself “to the wolves” is the only way I’ll actually face the fear. I’ve done it before with other triggers. I’ve tried the “proper” way as well, but didn’t get much relief.

I get nauseas when someone even mentioned crystals or mediums because of this OCD theme. My instinct is to run away, but after almost 30 years of running away from every little thing my anxiety or OCD has tried to convince me is dangerous, I’m sick of it. That being sick of it becomes frustration, which becomes anger, and anger fuels me to face the fear. If I don’t go tomorrow, I might never build up that willingness to face the fear & do the exposure again.

ERP, from the 3+ years of research I’ve done on it, always sounded to me like this: If you’re afraid of dogs, pet a dog. If you’re afraid wearing a certain color will cause you to get sick & die, wear the color. Push through it and just do it.

While I don’t have an official therapist, a good friend of mine is an OCD specialist. I’ve run this by her, and she knows my history. She thinks I’m stable enough to try it, and also knows I’m stubborn & angry enough to see it through - even if it means vomiting & crying my way through it.

Everything in me wants to avoid. I don’t want to go to it, don’t want to hear about it, don’t want my family going to it. I want it to disappear and not happen. That urge to avoid is my indication that I need to face it, because avoiding it would be giving into my OCD, providing momentary relief and ultimately reinforcing the belief that this event is dangerous. I can’t allow anything to reinforce my OCD anymore.

Will also add - I also believe these people are con artists who prey on desperate people, and crystals are no more healing than placebo tablets. They’re shiny rocks, that’s it. So I’m not worried a medium will take advantage of me, I’m worried my OCD will take advantage of someone trying to take advantage of me. So by going, I’m forcing myself to face that risk & get myself through it by not engaging in any avoidance compulsions I might feel the need to do (ie leaving early, avoiding completely, etc)

Honestly, if I wasn’t so focused on helping myself through the potential OCD triggers, I’d be more than happy to attend just to laugh at these con artists

Hope you're ok op

Thank you, I’m ok. Feeling that adrenaline rush of anger (at my OCD) so hoping it carries me through the event tomorrow. Family are only planning on spending an hour or so there, and they’re all aware this is a huge deal for me, so I have supports in place if I can’t cope. Also have a treat planned for myself afterwards as an incentive.

I’m going to head to bed now and get some sleep. Make a “battle” plan of things to do in the morning (to-do lists are my go-to coping method 🙈😂). If I look at this as a task on my to-do list to tick off, I just might get through it

Will update either in the morning before I go, or when it’s all said and done.

Well I am not convinced as your explanation seems a bit muddled but if your friend is an ocd specialist (where?) and think this is a positive step go for it.

I realized after posting it was a bit muddled. I was using voice to text 🙈 She’s an OCD specialist here in Ireland (Dublin based).

Ah op you're doing great by even considering this.

I don't have any specific advice but I'm thinking maybe it would help you feel more supported to talk to the people you're going with and agree some strategies they and you can use if you start to feel overwhelmed. Things like deep breathing and having maybe a few affirming thoughts prepared that you can say to yourself if the intrusive thoughts appear.

I used to have bad intrusive thoughts post pregnancy and things that helped me were breathing, telling myself something that helped me recognise what my brain was doing without judgement and reminding myself that it was misguided, and physically pausing and taking a physical step backwards while I did it to "remove" myself from the fear while I processed it. I always found the monkey v man brain in psychology useful. Your monkey brain is based on your primal instincts and especially in fear but it's not logical or good at decision making. So I used to tell myself when I had the intrusive thoughts - "that's just my misguided monkey trying to keep me safe". You don't need to use that if it doesn't connect with you but maybe you could find your own version.

While I don’t have an official therapist, a good friend of mine is an OCD specialist. I’ve run this by her, and she knows my history. She thinks I’m stable enough to try it It would be unethical for such specific guidance to be given on a casual basis, this sounds very irregular.

To be fair to her, I did basically tell her I was doing it anyway, so she gave me very basic advice (nothing you can’t find on google tbh) and then, from a friend’s perspective, told me she did think I was healthy enough to give it a try. Everyone around me knows I will ask for help if I need it, so I think most people in my life are comfortable to let me do what I feel is right for me. I’m not a risk to myself anymore - though I will always be traumatized and fearful of becoming a risk to myself again.

Whether it’s unethical or not, my friend was trying to help me using her knowledge. It’s not like I’ll be holding her liable if it backfires, or she goes around just sharing psychological advice to just anyone