to feel petrified? (OCD Exposure Therapy)

[NC4thread]

NC for this thread.
Important Info: Lifetime of mild OCD symptoms until a few years ago when I had a major OCD induced breakdown. Left suicidal. Much better now, but still not healed. Apologies if this is long.

During my major OCD breakdown, I became obsessed with reading horoscopes, fortune telling, and the like. I never believed in any of it (still don’t) but my OCD convinced me that I had to check these things in order to avoid bad things happening. They were always the generic horoscopes you’d find in the papers or on your aunt’s Facebook, so I felt reassured reading them because it was generic like “you will speak to someone polite today” or “30% chance of rain today so bring an umbrella!”. Then I read one that was a little bit more specific (still at a stretch though) and because I was so deep into the OCD, it triggered a panic attack, and I genuinely felt my only option to avoid this bad thing happening was to end it all.

Fast forward to now, I’ve put boundaries into place and stopped consuming things like that. However, I do know from treatment, that “boundaries” can quickly become “avoidance”. The only sure fire cure for OCD triggers is to expose yourself to them, and face the fear, so when a few family members mentioned they’d be going to a holistic fair in my hometown at the weekend, a very brave version of me said “I’ll go too so that I can face my fear.”

I’m not feeling so brave now. I know I have to do it. My OCD will create 1000s of horrible scenarios that I’ll torture myself with, so at least if I’m there, I can see those things won’t happen. I’m terrified some con artist medium will approach me randomly and say “oh this terrible thing is going to happen to you” or “oh you are going to be a terrible person/do a terrible thing”, and that my OCD will take over, run with it, and convince me that a) it’s true or b) I have to end things to avoid that becoming true. The people I’m going with have zero wish to go anywhere near those people, and are only going for the handmade jewelry and crystals (which I also don’t believe in). I’m purely going to face a fear.

But I’m petrified. I know it’s the anxiety of facing a long held fear, I know it’s my OCD spinning stories of all the ways it could go horribly wrong. I suppose I just need a handhold? Some reassurance (not reassurance seeking though) that I’ll be alright?

Thank you ❤️ The misguided monkey visual is really cute, I’ll definitely try that 🐒🦧

Contamination OCD here. Nothing to add but just want to end love and well wishes for the event OP!

OCD is exhausting. Something clicked with me when my therapist said “don’t you think by now if we could control things with our mind there would be hundreds of research papers proving it by now?”…..and I was like, omg yeah, why do I think I am so special I can control the universe with my thoughts 😂 I saw it as a sort of narcissism type trait and everytime it rears its ugly head I tell it to fuck off. Takes time and practice, but it’s worked for me.

Op not rtft, but yes it's the ocd petrifying you. It'll even maybe give you temporary relief if you don't do the exposure therapy because it's like a big bully stopping you from progressing. Please, PLEASE do it as someone who got their life back after just doing it you can and will get through this.

Thanks all. Almost ready to go now. Talked it over with one of the people I’m going with, so have a support system in place. Also agreed I’d take my own car so I have an escape plan if necessary. Laughing through the anxiety so far this morning. Still having that strong pit feeling in my stomach but pushing through.

So what's your plan? Go but not look at any of the stalls? As your compulsion was reading horoscopes etc?

I did REBT with hypnotherapy which sorted out my weird compulsions really quickly. I can now lots of things I’d never have done before in case Bad Things happened!

Highly recommend

No, my plan is to go, and just be present knowing these things are actively near me. I will look at some stalls (apparently there’s makeup and skincare stalls so I’ll be there most of the time 😂).

The whole point of exposure isn’t to go and get a reading or become a believer in this all, it’s to just be present with the perceived risk, and allow the feelings of anxiety to wash over without doing anything to get rid of them. I basically just have to see it all happening in real time and remind myself that I’m safe & it’s ok. It’s accepting the uncertainty that maybe someone will approach me, or maybe I will read a horoscope, and accepting that that’s ok and I can just let it happen without engaging with compulsions or reading too much into it. Basically treating it as no more significant than a day at the zoo, and not allowing my OCD to attach deeper meaning to anything.

I have support & escape plans in place in the unlikely event that it’s too much exposure too quickly and I need to abort mission. Don’t plan on using them unless I have a major panic attack

Thank you, I’ll look into this! I am a bit iffy at the idea of hypnosis - I don’t like the idea of giving someone else “control” of my mind. But I recognize this is not how it actually works, and that’s fear based beliefs

Good luck OP.
Will be thinking of you today.

OP, I suffered with debilitating covert OCD. Therapy helped but the thing that saw the end of my OCD was hormone therapy.

It might not be the answer for you but I wish I had known it was a potential puzzle piece.

I have been in perimenopause for years without really knowing. Once I was on a decent replacement dose of estrogen my OCD virtually disappeared.

I really wish you the best of luck. No-one can understand the true horror of OCD without experiencing it.

Thank you!! I’m so happy you found relief. I’m only 30, so I don’t think it’s perimenopause but always worth a look into! I am due for a general health check soon so will mention this

I'm only 38 and have been symptomatic for at least 7 years.

Maybe keep an eye on symptoms and your cycle; whether they get worse at any particular point. You can rule it in or out. :)

I absolutely will, thank you!! I had no idea it could start so early on - although now that I think of it, the average age for menopause in my family is 45!!

I will definitely look into this!!

Ok, it’s all done and over with. I’m ok. Feeling great now that I’ve gone through it. Expecting a little wobble later when the adrenaline wears off. I’ll update more on how it went fully when I’m not in the middle of town 😂🙈

Well done @NC4thread

The hypnotherapy was really just relaxation at the end of the talking session to ensure the points raised sank in. REBT can be done without it too

Ok so first, thank you to everyone who replied ❤️ Back home now after a little retail therapy treat & a nice lunch. Overall, it was not as bad as I expected. I did get nervous as we approached, and again when I saw the lines for the “readings” (fought hard not to roll my eyes tbh). However, one of the family members I went with is young and very interested in this, so it was nice to see them really get into it. We spoke to a seller who was actually very nice & positive, and I think even just talking to him casually was a huge step in itself. He didn’t overstep at all, was just very clearly passionate about what he does for a living, which is always nice to see.

I was definitely on guard, had a few intrusive worries, few times I wanted to hide in my phone or just step outside, but I pushed past it and ultimately had a pleasant time.

Would I go to another? Probably not. I think it’s very clear that I am not a believer in this stuff - but that wasn’t the point anyway. The point was going to see exactly what it’s like at one of these things, and if my fears were in any way legitimate (they were not).

Feeling very accomplished now, which might seem silly to most, but happy I went through with it

Delighted to hear it went well.

Well done!

That's so huge what you did today and you should rightly be proud of yourself! Well done, amazing progress!

I’ve only just read this thread today and wish I’d seen it sooner.

Firstly, well done you! If you feel accomplished then it’s clearly been a big step for you.

I previously suffered with extreme OCD and had to have high intensity ERP twice, for two different sets of compulsions. To give you an idea, think along the lines of sitting in graveyards near headstones of babies and sitting with knives on my wrist. It was UTTERLY TERRIFYING, more so because I’m probably one of the most logical, rational and reasonable people you’d ever meet. I understand your description completely and it’s a weird feeling to be in constant doubt.

Please know that you can fully recover. I’ve been medication and therapy free for 7 years now! You’re clearly pro-active and reading a lot around it.

The one thing I wish I’d known the first time was around the recording aspect of ERP. It’s done alongside professionals for a reason. Rating your anxiety levels as a percentage and then repeating the exposure until it was around a third of the intensity and the panic lasting a third of the time before moving to the next level of the plan.

I stupidly thought I was ready (in a mind over matter vibe) to just skip a few steps. Totally wrong. Had a plan in place for escape etc but then came to the realisation that the escape is part of the compulsion.

To do ERP you shouldn’t need an escape plan because if you do, you’re not ready for that step. At least that’s what I was told! It generally needs to be more of a ‘I’m gonna be anxious as f**k here, but even in my absolute panic, I’ll wait this out and live to see another day.’

Hopefully it’s the beginning of the end for yours but please don’t be downhearted if you experience the feelings again, I remember having so many ‘I thought I was fixed’ moments.

Take care and good luck with your journey.

Well done OP!

@NC4thread just wondering how you are getting on and if things have improved somewhat?