To always feel on the outside looking in

[Outtherelookingin]

On the outside I have a lovely family, a loving husband and 2 perfect children. I arrange playdates, sleepovers, parties but never try too hard or make too much fuss - very middle of the road.

Have some friends and family but no one ever seems that bothered about us, no aunties and uncles doing babysitting and taking our kids on days out etc, no friends that call us their 'besties' and arrange with us to meet up or go to events- aways feels like it's me putting us out there and arranging things.

I moved when I was about 30 to our current area so don't have that big group of friends that all live locally and have a long history etc. Feel like most people only contact me when they want something. Hardly ever (maybe once a fortnight) get a message from anyone outside of my immediate family.

i've just seen my daughters godparents on Instagram gushing about an amazing Halloween with their 'favourites' and tagging a family they have grown close to. Never heard from them at all for Halloween, never wish our kids happy Halloween or want to meet up etc unless they want something.

I have some nice school mum friends, have been on spa weekends, birthday parties (adult and child) with them, but never hear from them really unless I instigate it and then they tag their 'besties' on SM and I feel shitty again because i dont have that. Can't seem to get past this feeling and just feel happy with my lot and the lovely people I do have around me. Any tips welcome

YABU be happy with those around you
YANBU I agree with you.

Social Media is like an engine for producing unhappiness. There's always someone to compare yourself to who is having more fun, or done something more impressive, or feeling more love, etc. It's really bad for us.

Making friends and building relationships as an adult is hard. Some of my best friends I actually made through online dating.

Nearly everybody feels like this thanks to SM. Try to cut down.

I think it’s all BS and no one feels “on the inside” in the way you describe.

SM is the absolute thief of joy

Hello OP I could have written this myself. It feels silly when you voice it out loud but I totally get it . I have a few kids and always have their friends over ect. A lovely husband and some lovely friends. Without blowing my own trumpet I'm a very well liked person I'm kind, caring and loyal but I just don't have the title of anyone's bestie. We have no couple friends and I often see sm posts and feel so left out as all my friends have other friends who they would clearly rather socialise with: I don't really know what to say but I hear you xx

Come off SM. It helped me enormously. 💐

I think this is the risk of moving. Unless you are particularly adept at forming new friendships.

I have moved around a lot- several countries- and realised loneliness is the human condition.

It's all bullshit. People tag their 'besties' because they want them to tag them back. Same with people doing happy birthday Instagram stories and resharing them to show how popular they are. Some of them will genuinely be popular of course, but a high percentage are people just doing it so somebody else does it for them on their birthday!

Honestly it sounds like you're doing fine, being invited to parties and spa weekends is something that a lot of people miss out on. Maybe stop looking at social media so much? Also I've never moved far from where I grew up and I don't have a big group of old friends. Staying where you grew up doesn't guarantee that.

This is exactly the same as my life and how I feel, thank you for understanding.

I think even before SM I felt like this. Rarely, if ever, had best friends though I think I'm fairly sociable. Definitely moving house makes it worse.

@Outtherelookingin I'm happy you don't feel so alone! It's really disheartening. I think some other posters are certainly right that sm doesn't help, but I enjoy it for other stuff, marketplace, cookery posts ect. It seems so sad to not be on there as it can be triggering seeing something you'd rather not see 😞

Even my thread doesn't get many replies 😆 I think thats how overlooked I am in general.

I once read somewhere that, statistically speaking, people generally think others are more popular than them as you will know the people who seem to know everyone, but won't see/ know the ones who have a limited social life.

tbh i have never done too many playdates, birthdays or spa retreats with the random women from the school gate. You are much more ahead of me. Also I don't use fb as me. I have a nickname and participate very very actively in groups which activate my imagination, learning, discussion etc

I am not a small talk woman and also sometimes wonder am I HSP or a bit of ND also....so all of that and the fact I have a church , a job with lovely colleagues, a very active and comedy driven husband and a ton of things to teach my kids, fill my life to the brim

I travelled Europe alone, moved countries alone and always found friends within the first month after moving somewhere; since getting married all this stopped because my husband covers all my needs and I love his company and being able to be fully myself and tell him all I want to, without being judged by nasty strange women

I have people on fb who are not real life, just people I made friends through groups but they are more real to me than the town folk lol - I see some of them online and chat, some will call me, then I have zoom groups also - I mean, that is tons of communication on solid serious valuable topics for me; why do I need small useless talk with women who have nothing to offer me nor me to them

Do you have personal interests and quirks - things that are interesting to talk about and interesting to others. Tbh if you describe yourself as middle of the road it doesn’t sound inspiring…..maybe have a look at who you are rather than trying to fit in

tell him all I want to, without being judged by nasty strange women

why do I need small useless talk with women who have nothing to offer me

woah, some posters here are coming on a bit Andrew Tate….

Not Andrew Tate, lol
my husband is the biggest softie, leftist and democratic kind man anyone could meet. This is why he covers all my emotional needs , because has a large feminine side and I have quite large masculine side also, may be I am Andrew Tate lol

thank you for the slight, I was being honest how I feel trying to help the poster, not asking for slights

he covers all my emotional needs

thats a lot for a person to take on. And a huge gamble.

it just proves to us that we are overlooked, no matter how try we hard to communicate with women even on mumsnet.

@Iwantabrightsunnyday not sure what your posts have to do with anything... They certainly don't seem to bear any relation to the OP.

I feel the same, too, OP. The last few days, people have been posting on sm. We didn't do anything with anyone. Myself and dh had a couple friend, but I think we've been dumped for another couple, to be honest. I have other friends, so I do things with them, but sm can be upsetting.

Read some of the threads on here from posters who have nobody. No partner. No kids. No friends. No family.

You have so much more than alot of people. Social media is bullshit - You have your own ‘perfect’ family so stop wallowing over a stupid Instagram post.

Same here. I've just seen on FB three of my friends at a Halloween party together with all their kids. I'm obviously not in the group other than the happy birthday message once a year 🙄

this is because few people upthread tried to make it all about me, I just posted my posts and they came on at me LOL - you only continue that trend. Comment at the Poster please