To always feel on the outside looking in

[Outtherelookingin]

On the outside I have a lovely family, a loving husband and 2 perfect children. I arrange playdates, sleepovers, parties but never try too hard or make too much fuss - very middle of the road.

Have some friends and family but no one ever seems that bothered about us, no aunties and uncles doing babysitting and taking our kids on days out etc, no friends that call us their 'besties' and arrange with us to meet up or go to events- aways feels like it's me putting us out there and arranging things.

I moved when I was about 30 to our current area so don't have that big group of friends that all live locally and have a long history etc. Feel like most people only contact me when they want something. Hardly ever (maybe once a fortnight) get a message from anyone outside of my immediate family.

i've just seen my daughters godparents on Instagram gushing about an amazing Halloween with their 'favourites' and tagging a family they have grown close to. Never heard from them at all for Halloween, never wish our kids happy Halloween or want to meet up etc unless they want something.

I have some nice school mum friends, have been on spa weekends, birthday parties (adult and child) with them, but never hear from them really unless I instigate it and then they tag their 'besties' on SM and I feel shitty again because i dont have that. Can't seem to get past this feeling and just feel happy with my lot and the lovely people I do have around me. Any tips welcome

YABU be happy with those around you
YANBU I agree with you.

this is because few people upthread tried to make it all about me

erm, how?

I'm sorry OP...I could have written this, and was just thinking about this today. Sending you some solidarity.

I generally feel like I am the one making an effort and suggesting things. There are exceptions but it is much more me. I’ve realised though maybe we’ve all got a lot more lethargic and people are doing less..Also most are short of cash. Not the whole answer but part of it

Don't compare things on social media at all, for all you know those posting like that are also on the outside looking in.

Many years ago, I had a mostly online friend who I saw sometimes at NCT meet ups, but was mainly online. She used to post these amazing photos of her 2 kids doing all manner of wonderful crafts, bakes, outdoorsy activities and the like. The artwork from school was amazing - both kids had real talent.

One day I drove over (she was only half an hour away) and dropped off something for her 2 kids, and got invited in for a cup of tea.
I had been comparing her picture perfect tidy house to my shabbily decorated one, and noting her (much younger kids) could bake /draw/paint/ etc FAR better than mine.
First thing I noticed was actually her kitchen was not only as untidy as mine but worse and also it was quite dirty, as in the worktops and floor could do with a sweep as well as a wash down. Second thing I noticed was the paintings and drawings from school (definitely theirs as with the kids names on) were actually nowhere near as good as the ones she posted - things like dogs looking like actual breeds of dogs rather than blobs with legs and ears. So I complimented the artwork on display and said something nice about the fact she had them out. Well at that she fished out some more and said 'these came home yesterday so I have to shuffle them about as I like to have the best ones out". Well the most recent were again pretty averagely normal for a 6 and 8 year old.
Then I was handed the biscuit tin with biscuits made by G aged 8 - as I was protesting no thanks she said 'take two, we haven't really started these yet as I'm trying to keep the weight off'. They were very badly iced ones of the same type I'd seen immaculately iced, as only a talented 8 year old can do, on a very recent social media post.

So I do wonder if she was doing a few pictures and icing a few biscuits 'just for the photos'
Never said anything because I thought if she needed to make up stuff about how well her kids were doing maybe life wasn't as rosy in the chocolate box cottage with the lovely garden tiny cottage on the end of a row next to the railway line with a minute veg patch, the rest overrun with weeds.

"Didn't wish the children Happy Hallowe'en".🙄
I don't think I've ever wished anyone Happy Hallowe'en.

However, I know how you feel. You have a happy family and friends. Ignore social media.

I feel like this but I know it’s daft.

1. Nobody ever asks me if I have kids, they always assume I don’t, which makes me feel like I must come off as a psychopath
2. Men don’t fancy me or flirt with me

ultimately this makes no difference to my life but I do wonder why I seem so off

I often feel sad that I don't have a "bestie".

But when I actually think about it, I would find it incredibly suffocating.

The grass isn't always greener, OP. Sounds like you're doing fine.

From what you’ve posted, it doesn’t sound like you’ve prioritised your social life, so it’s not really that surprising. You moved at a time in life when it can be more difficult to find new friends and you revolve your life around your children. While some people are going to get lucky doing that, it’s not the best strategy.

You need to be putting yourself in positions where you’re doing things you love and are interested in so you are more likely to meet like minded people. A career you can get your teeth into or just a job that brings you into contact with lots of others like you who live near; a hobby; a sport; etc. (and I mean all these things, not just one). Then you need time for things to grow organically until you know them a little and it isn’t weird to ask them to do something with you (not you and your children - and certainly not to babysit your children!). You go to the things you get invited to when invited. If you want couple friends then ask people round/out with their partners, ideally several couples at once. Etc.

It’s really hard, when you have children, to find the time and money to do this (which is why you find a lot of women on MN feeling exactly that way). But that’s largely a product of the priorities you’ve had.

Social networks don’t just happen. It feels like they do because lots of people had good social groups when they were young and it felt like it “just happened” but it was actually the product of a way of life that put you in a position to meet lots of people, many of who were also open to friendships, and prioritised being available for friendship.

I feel like this from time to time. Have come to realise I'm not 'bestie' material. Fair play to those who manage to make best friends with other families, I've just relaxed and am taking the the relationships as they come :)

I think many people feel this way. I do. There are some friends I never heard from again once I stopped doing all of the running.

No ones problem and no ones priority.

I voted YABU because you have a husband, children and friends. Even if you're not their bestie. That's alot more than alot of people have. But your feelings are valid.

I got off social media years ago because it was making me feel down. Everyone's life seems perfect while mine is far from that. However I know a girl who sees her child maybe once a month but from her social media you'd think she was mother of the year. I know another girl who caught her husband having sex with her cousin on the kitchen table while they thought she was asleep upstairs. Two weeks later she was posting loved up photos of her and him like nothing ever happened. Two weeks! Social media is fake as f**k.

I can't tell from what you've written whether you work or not, but that's where I make most of my friends and get my sense of satisfaction that makes me feel less prone to these kinds of insecurities. If you're trying to live life through the kids and school side of things, there are limits to how fulfilled you might be unless you truly love all that and are very sociable and have found your people there. If not work, then are there other things like art or hobbies or ways to express yourself that don't rely on the more superficial level of success and being on the inside that SM works on. Something of real value. Helping people maybe, if that's more your thing. There's an undercurrent to your post that sounds like it's as much boredom and needing something to really occupy you beyond these things that aren't really very meaningful or absorbing. Don't get me wrong, I love a spa day, but it's a break from something, not the thing itself. If you find your thing that really absorbs you, there is no inside or out, you're just getting on with it.

Oh OP!
I get how you feel. I moved to UK at 19, lived here for 24 years and I still feel outsider to a friendships. I made foreign friends but find english ones in area I live in (SE) tricky.
Two things I learned;

1. everyone has problems. It's not about you.
2. Do your thing and let people come to you. Those that do are worth keeping

It's really tough moving to a completely new area, isn't it ? I've been fortunate because I moved not far from where I was before so had some connections where I moved to. My sister on the other hand moved away completely far from her social network, and she works full time as a teacher so finds little time to socialise outside of work. It's hard as an adult to make friends, I feel..It can happen with time though.

Just to add to those talking about moving, I'm 40 and I've lived here since 2010 so 14 years. My kids are nearly 8 and nearly 3 so I think it's only since I've had kids I've made an effort with friendships etc but still feel it's an uphill struggle.

OP, I completely relate. I moved around a lot growing up. Then as an adult I gravitated towards friends who like to travel/are from other countries, and now they've all moved away - ALL of them over the years, I kid you not. I feel like I'm running on the spot / constantly having to start from scratch. It's emotionally exhausting.

I really value friendships and feel so much grief about all the amazing friends that have left.

I also socialise plenty. I'm part of a women's social group. My dearest friend lives about 50 miles away, but we see eachother every couple of months and text all the time. I also have a couple of semi-close friends in a nearby town that I met through toddler groups. I say "semi-close" because 1) we only see eachother a couple times a year, 2) and although we can talk about lots of personal topics and we share similar values, we aren't really part of eachother's lives apart from the odd coffee catch up and text.

It so often feels like an endless string of "catch ups" rather than really being an integral part of one anothers lives.

And I felt similarly to you about seeing others' Halloween posts with all their amazing families and friends 🙄. As a family, we're nobody's "number one" either.

Just want to offer solidarity and I wish you lived in my town so we could meet! But I bet it's unlikely!

For anyone feeling similar, I'll name change again after this so not bothered if anyone knows - I'm in Hampshire. If anyone has good ideas on hobbies/groups etc I could join to meet new people then I'm open to it.

Controversially, I don't think you really want a 'bestie' family.

From (decades of) experience I can tell you that it's only a matter of time before someone within the perfect little set up pisses someone else off and then it's hideously awkward because they'd like to take steps backwards but how do you do that when you've been marking your territory with naff 'bestie' posts on social media.

OP, I am in the same position having moved to a new area 6 years ago, I started to meet other mums at playgroups but then lockdown wiped all that effort out and by the time it was over most of their children were starting school. When my DD started school I did an all class party and so met a group of school mums that way and we are all friendly and do parties etc together but I've realised it's never going to go any further as I've not managed to progress any of the friendships in that time.
I think people can be lazy as to making friends, most of them grew up in the area and so already knew of each other, I'm older so don't have other mum friends outside of school even though I try to be open to that, but it's just the way it is for some people for some reason.

one of the school mums knows everyone in the area but goodness knows how as she never seems to have anything much to say for herself and is quite often not at parties etc but yet she seems to be really popular, and she has formed a closer friendship with a couple of the others so I don't know what the answer is really!

I think the best thing is to concentrate efforts on yourself, your own interests and hobbies etc and do those things because you enjoy them and to keep you busy so the friend thing bothers you less, then if you meet friends through them bonus! I don’t think any men think or hope they’ll make Dad friends at the school gates.

Yes, my first question would be to ask what someone brings to a friendship? What would make someone want to spend time with you?

The thing I often notice in posts from people complaining of loneliness or feeling on the outside is that they often express a desire for ‘friends’ to ‘do things with’ in a very general way, or a wish for people to be close to them as ‘besties’, but they seem to gave a very generic view of this, rather than being interested in other people as individuals, or thinking ‘What kind of people am I attracted to?’

Good posts from @RawBloomers and @pinkdelight. OP, what have you done to try to make new friends? Everything you describe doing (sleepovers, play dates) is child-related, and you say you only started trying to make friends since having children. Why is that?