Would you let your child lose so another can win?

[AmberElla1]

Tongue in cheek but a parent has asked if i could let her child win at something because mine has won before. I should add, this is a really small school game so nothing big but i also know that this parent thinks im a soft touch. I like the other child in question so i do feel a bit bad! I also dont want to just force mine to lose on purpose when they clearly want to win.

Life sucks, someone is always better, this is a lesson they need to learn.

Failure promotes effort.

Of course not.

A hard no.

Absolutely ridiculous thing to do.

It is awful for both children.

Tricky - my little one is impossibly good at her activity (her GP is mystified at her ability as it shouldn’t be physically possible at her age so there’s definitely something ‘ not normal’ for lack of a better word going on there.
Her teachers have all said in all their years of teaching they’ve never seen anything like it ) That said, she works incredibly hard and practise for hours a day and I’m in complete awe of her discipline at such a young age . There’s absolutely pressure from me - she just loves it!

however we do talk about how other children need the opportunity to get star of the week - because it feels unfair if she gets it every week when she has a natural advantage- and I do think that trying should be acknowledged as well. Selfishly, I think it’s a good lesson for her to see that trying something you aren’t naturally good can be fun too- and it’s not just about being the ‘best’ it can just be doing your best (that was was a remarkably cringy sentence!)

Depends how much choice the children have about competing and how damaging it is for the child who loses.

My DS finds maths games extremely easy. He's miles ahead of his peers and not through hard work, he just gets it.

If there was a situation where another child was paired with him against their will and he was just going to easily beat them every time I'd understand if another parent would want him to just let the other child win one round, because confidence in maths is so important and i wouldnt want another child's maths confidence dented.

my pet peeve in pass the parcel as a kid was when parents didn't put any little gifts in the in-between layers and then deliberately stopped the final layer on their birthday child. it was such a waste of time and really annoying because it was always a really good prize (because they'd planned for that!)

Absolutely not!

It's an educational thing, and they want their child to be on top for once. I would have said no but wasn't sure if I was being mean

Once I did. DS was around 5/6, he had a friend who was very sulky if he didn't get his own way. I took them to the seaside and in the children's amusements they played a driving game and DS won twice on the trot. I whispered him to let friend win the next game they played as I was fed up of the sulking.

Would be a flat no from me, your child shouldn’t have to dim their light to let another shine bright in this situation.

Please, please say no. Absolutely insane that she asked this of another parent!!! Just say that you're not going to ask your son to do that because you don't feel comfortable doing so. If you do do this it teaches neither child anything good at all

No chance. What’s that teaching her kid? These are the kids that don’t understand why the world is so hard when they grow up. DSC’s DM is a snowplough parent like this, removing any obstacles all through their childhood. They are finding life as young adults very hard.

They are very out of order to ask as it’s not just something you can influence it would involve your child as well having to take a negative action to enable this and that’s wrong. Tell them to get their dc a tutor or something and that a real achievement will be worth so much more than an engineered fake one

Nope. If they win, they win on merit. Same for your dc.

surely that teaches the sulker that their sulking works? Rather than putting in effort and improving their skill? Just sulk and people will give you what you want.

It’s not really something you can control.
I’d just be making sure my child wasn’t being boastful or mean about their wins. Making sure they understand that they’re not going be amazing at everything and that they need to recognise any natural advantages they have over others. That’s not to demean all their hard work or commitment.
My Dd is naturally talented at sport, she is built for it and her competitive persona and pretty quick brain means that among her peers she excels.
She does train hard and earns her wins.
BUT her sister could put in just as much effort and she’ll still never achieve in the same way.
DD2 needs to recognise that sometimes.

That’s a good way of expressing it.

The school shouldn't be constantly having academic competitions which some children presumably stand no chance of winning unless others let them. It would be nice if you, as the parent of a winner, could point out to them that this is really hard on the less academically capable children. You might even mention, without naming names, that you know of such a child. It might be more palatable coming from you than from the other mum.

If it's based on merit or hard work then no. If it's pass the parcel or a tombala I probably would want my child ti pass it on. However if it happens in school then I'd let them deal with it.

Could the other child win if they tried harder or is there a lot of skill involved?

This is a very good point.

Your child shouldn't have to hold themselves back to give someone else a boost, but also a competition with a foregone conclusion isn't really a competition.

I wouldn't single out less academically capable children as particularly having it hard though. If you know you're not in the running for a competition then it's largely irrelevant to you. If you're consistently second best then that is hard in a different way and can lead to a distorted view of your abilities. It's generally not good in the long run to win too often either - it makes it harder to celebrate each win and can lead to perfectionist traits.

Is it possible to suggest a different criteria for the competition which would enable a wider pool of potential winners? It's hard to suggest criteria without knowing the format/content of the competition.

No in this situation.

I was constantly told by my bully in high school, why did I always have to come top in tests and why couldn't I let someone else. I came top because I worked hard and I revised, they didn't.

No the other parent is being ridiculous to even ask.

Little rewards like 'star of the week' are meant to motivate. But also there's nothing for a child to deliberately lose. The onus is on the decision makers to award it fairly.

Different from a real competition. Meant to reward the best. If your daughter is indeed as talented as you say surely she'll be participating in these and scooping all the medals/awards.

What's certain is that a child shouldn't be told to lose deliberately. Life isn't fair. Parents should be teaching their kids to accept that.

How old is your DC? If they are old enough to be competing academically, the chances are their peer group have a fairly pragmatic idea of how their classmates compare, be it best runner, strongest, quickest at mental arithmetic etc., and if a result is "fixed" they will express their cynicism, probably more bluntly than an adult would.
Not quite the same thing, but we had a "Star of the Week" system imposed from on high, with the edict that everybody would get it eventually. The first few recipients were thrilled, but as it became apparent that everyone would get it in the end regardless, it was rebranded "The Right Number of Legs Prize" .
If you are of my vintage, you might remember Grabber in the Nigel Molesworth books, winner of everything including the Mrs Joyful Prize for Raffia Work; kids can spot a fiddle a mile off.