What to do?

[Rachel1509]

Hi, asking for some opinions.
I have 3 children (7,9,11), all in private school, mainly because the local schools are awful, this was mainly my choice but DP reluctantly agreed. Paying for this is a real stretch, they do no extra curriculars, no holidays ect, it takes up most of my income, but they are all very happy and thriving in their school.
Due to some wrong doing on my behalf we are splitting. He has said we can stay in the house (he’s moving out next week) and he will contribute £1k per month as maintenance. I’m aware this is more than if we went to court - but the mortgage alone is £1,250 and I’d have to cover all the bills and food. There is no way I’d be able to pay their fees too. I’ve asked him to help with the fees and he has refused, saying it’s an unnecessary cost, but I disagree. Now the fees are going up too, I know they will be heartbroken to leave their school, particularly the eldest as the local secondary is terrible, really chavvy, lots of fights and poor teaching - he will really struggle.
Theres no equity in the house as we remortgaged last year to fund an extension.
What can I do? I feel awful that I am about to turn their worlds upside down by having to tell them we are splitting and they have to move schools - is there anything I can do?

Unfortunately nothing you can do other than obtain more work/better paid job. A court won't order him to pay unless he's a multi millionaire

What was your wrongdoing???

Get a better paying job or offer to wash pots and floors at the school.

is there anything you can do to save your marriage?

What marriage?

Stay together?

Sorry assumed OP was married.

How do you know the teaching is poor in the local comprehensive?

You can't afford it (most single parents can't) so you'll have to take them out

If the schools are really dreadful rent your house out and move further away to where the schools are better ?

I’m assuming there was infidelity on your part? Any chance the bloke is very generous?!

Sorry to hear of your separation and the impact for your kids. It's unfortunate but there's definitely nothing you can do unless you convince your ex that it would drastically affect your kids to move.

I'm not a huge advocate of private schools but this kind of feels like your ex is punishing your children for whatever you did. He made a joint decision to pay for them to go to their current school. Does he not feel bad that at the same time they're about to go through their parents separation they also have to endure the upheaval of changing schools?

But my feelings (and yours) have no legal impact. So sorry OP - nothing you can do.

Work at the school and get a discount, scholarships, move to an area with better schools, put feet on only fans…

Honestly it doesn't sound as if you can afford your lifestyle, including schooling.

Either send them to the local school or move to a different area with perhaps a better school? Downsize the house?

You can’t afford it so what choice do you have? Drop the attitude that the local schools are rubbish and go view them.

'Wrongdoing' on your part? 🤔

You knew your exH didn't want to pay for private school in the first place, it's hardly surprising he doesn't want to keep it up now that you've split.

Actions, meet consequences.

I'm not a huge advocate of private schools but this kind of feels like your ex is punishing your children for whatever you did.

I disagree. It sounds like paying for the fees was very very tight before they split. He now has to pay for somewhere else to live. If they couldn't afford extra curriculars before, how their joint incomes possibly now pay for private school as well as two homes.

In terms of the mortgage, extend the term. You might need to change lender to one with a higher retirement age.

if you cannot afford private school, you cannot afford it. Most people cannot and their kids do fine in state. Not sure why it's such a big deal. You made your bed... (probably literally 🙈)... and now you need to live within your means.

'local secondary is terrible, really chavvy,'

You mean children from families with poor morals?

'Due to some wrong doing on my behalf we are splitting.'

The irony is off the scale here! 😂

Play the lottery, get a sugar daddy, get a much higher paying job.

Or, accept that a series of decisions have led to this point, he’s being a lot more generous than he needs to be, and children are adaptable when they have no choice. You could have got married, sent them to a non fee paying school, not remortgaged and not done whatever’s pissed him off.

I wouldn’t bank on his generosity continuing long term or being allowed to keep the house indefinitely. He’s likely to meet someone else and want to move on from supporting you when he’s only obliged to contribute towards the kids. He’s likely to want to buy again himself.

There’s been a few fights at my daughters secondary school - I bet kids fight at private schools too - I’m still very happy with the school and teaching.

You’re living a lifestyle beyond your means. Your kids are already suffering through you making their fees your priority and now they will suffer through your wrong doing. Sort yourself out or they’ll be off to live with their dad.

In previous posts you are delighted to be finished with primary school and find secondary much easier ..

Give up the house and the private schools. Move somewhere better. Have holidays and treats and a nicer life.

To answers some of your questions

1. There is no chance of him staying and giving the relationship a second chance
2. I know the local secondary is awful because I see videos of the fights and everything else on social media. The recent ofsted stated “* school is not a happy place to be”. I have friends whose children go there and have not got a positive word to say - some of them performed really badly on GCSEs despite being reported as making good progress.