What to do?

[Rachel1509]

Hi, asking for some opinions.
I have 3 children (7,9,11), all in private school, mainly because the local schools are awful, this was mainly my choice but DP reluctantly agreed. Paying for this is a real stretch, they do no extra curriculars, no holidays ect, it takes up most of my income, but they are all very happy and thriving in their school.
Due to some wrong doing on my behalf we are splitting. He has said we can stay in the house (he’s moving out next week) and he will contribute £1k per month as maintenance. I’m aware this is more than if we went to court - but the mortgage alone is £1,250 and I’d have to cover all the bills and food. There is no way I’d be able to pay their fees too. I’ve asked him to help with the fees and he has refused, saying it’s an unnecessary cost, but I disagree. Now the fees are going up too, I know they will be heartbroken to leave their school, particularly the eldest as the local secondary is terrible, really chavvy, lots of fights and poor teaching - he will really struggle.
Theres no equity in the house as we remortgaged last year to fund an extension.
What can I do? I feel awful that I am about to turn their worlds upside down by having to tell them we are splitting and they have to move schools - is there anything I can do?

Sell house and downsize?

Why do you think your situation is different to any other mother who would like to send their kids to private school but can’t afford it? You need to live within your means I’m afraid.

You'll have to move then!

I think selling and moving areas to get into better schools is a good suggestion. May even be able to move into a smaller property too

What was the wrong doing? I hope your DCs are okay, divorce and moving schools will be a lot to go through.

What happened to your DD12 and your David Lloyd membership?

My dad pulled me out of private school to punish my mum for leaving him. Still haven’t forgiven him 35 years later. It irrevocably ruined our relationship because I saw how little he cared for me. See how your husband likes those apples.

@StormingNorman
They are separating because of the op’s wrongdoing. Not her dp’s fault.

I thought the same 😂😂😂😂

But separating is expensive. They could barely afford the private school to begin with it sounds like. It doesn't sound likely that they (their combined income) can continue to fund it when they now need to factor in rent for the partner for wherever he's living now.

(I know they won't both need to consider his rent, I just mean their total income hasn't changed, but their total outgoings have)

A bursary is a possibility. But there will be loads of people after them now with the VAT on fees.

You can assess your work situation. Can you do more hours/look for a higher paying job?
You can assess your location/housing and look at moving to a more affordable location/housing

As much as MN disagrees, things change after divorce and that's ok when adults act like adults. You'll have to make some decisions and look at your overall situation. If you were barely managing the school as it is, of course that has to be considered now that two separate households need to be maintained. No point creating animosity because you can't go on the way you currently are, you both need to make changes. Animosity, resentfulness and all those other (natural) emotions are what fucks it up for the children.

There are many good state schools - obviously - just sell up and move near one.

presumably the ex cannot afford it now either given he’s going to be paying maintenance and taking on a new property. Your only choice now is to consider selling up and moving to an area with better schools

Yeah you're probably right to be fair. I guess for people who pay for private education on such a tight budget having to move to state is a possibility you should always see as potentially on the horizon.

I didn’t say it was her dp’s fault. Fault doesn’t even come into it. I said I haven’t forgiven my dad for hurting me to punish my mum.

Both parents should be putting their children first. It sounds from the OP as if her ex doesn’t want to pay the fees rather than he can’t pay them.

Honestly uh the event of a divorce. It's pretty inevitable that both parties end up poorer . given that private school was ready a stretch for ye as a couple it's unlikely to be affordable now as single parent. I think selling the home and downsizing to a smaller house near better schools is your best bet.

'Really chavvy' instantly had me siding with the ex, sorry

But serious discussion about the schooling aside OP - what did you do girrll?

Spill the tea ☕