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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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45 replies

QuirkyFox · 31/10/2024 14:35

My husband and I both work full time and split the household bills and each pay a set amount into our joint account so everything is covered. In the 10 years we have been together I have done all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc etc… I’m struggling and exhausted by it. Any advice on how to solve this as my husband says he doesn’t have time to do much and is too exhausted to anyway. So my suggestion to him of doing half each won’t work. I suggested I pay into the house a little less than him so I can cut my hours to have time. This is no good either as he said it’s like he’s paying me to do the housework and he won’t do that.

OP posts:
SilenceInside · 31/10/2024 14:39

He'd rather you continued to do it for free?? What a charmer!

I honestly don't know what to suggest as he's let you do everything for 10 years already and doesn't seem to care that it's unfair and upsetting you.

Have you asked him why he doesn't care about the fact that it's unfair and that it's upsetting you? Why does he get to say that he's too exhausted to do his fair share?

TheKitchenSink34 · 31/10/2024 14:39

Stop doing anything for him. He can cook his own meals, clean up after himself, shop for himself and do his own laundry. You're his wife, not his maid.

TipsyKoala · 31/10/2024 14:39

The solution is your lazy husband gets off his backside and does his share. Or you share the cost of a weekly cleaner. Do you have kids? If not I can’t see how housework for two is that exhausting.

Sampler · 31/10/2024 14:39

Firstly, stop enabling him. There’s no prizes in heaven for being a martyr. Cut back on everything and stop trying to do so much. Leave the housework, shopping and don’t do his washing.

TeenLifeMum · 31/10/2024 14:41

Remind him you’re not his mother and as equal partners he needs to do his share.

Brefugee · 31/10/2024 14:42

He won't change. Leave him

Sugarysugar · 31/10/2024 14:43

Does he work more hours than you OP? Does he have a hard physical job or a long commute?
Because it seems totally unreasonable for him.to expect you to do everything and work full time.
The fact you've been doing it for 10 years is appalling.

What would happen if you just said to him you didn't have time and you were too tired. In fact perhaps you should do that and go on strike. Just look after your own needs. And see what his reaction is to that.

Ginmonkeyagain · 31/10/2024 14:43

So what is his response as to why he won't contribute to running the household?

pinkyredrose · 31/10/2024 14:43

Why did you start doing everything and why did he stand back and let you? You both work, you need a rota.

Ginmonkeyagain · 31/10/2024 14:44

If you don't have kids work to rule.

Buy food and only cook for yourself

Only wash your clothes.

Do enough cleaning to make the house nice for you and no more.

BMW6 · 31/10/2024 14:53

Tell him he has these choices

  1. You divorce so he gets to do all his own cooking and cleaning no matter how exhausted he is
  1. You stay together but are each responsible for your own cooking and cleaning. You do NOTHING of benefit to him
  1. You each pay for a cleaner. You cook but he washes up. Failure on his part incurs 1.
  1. He divides the chores equally with you and does his cheerfully and scrupulously because he's actually an adult and slavery is illegal.

Personally I'd go on strike and just look after myself till the penny dropped.

Pinkpaperclip · 31/10/2024 14:55

You’ve put up with this for 10 years! Well YABU for that.

Of course he doesn’t bother helping, you have shown him you’ll do it all.

It stops today. He does 50/50 or you leave.

Whalewatching · 31/10/2024 14:58

Sounds like he’s making you feel like you’re in a catch 22 situation. You’re not. If you don’t have time for it all and he won’t help, pick out the bits that you have the time and energy for and leave the rest. Personally I’d relax on the chore/chores that will piss him off most of all if they’re not done. Just to get the point across if he won’t help you get to a solution.

Itiswhysofew · 31/10/2024 15:10

You don't have the time and neither does he, but it seems he's not concerned that you're run ragged and taking care of domestics, which is extremely unreasonableof him. I'd say, do the bare minimum if you're not happy to do just nothing, and see how he copes with that. If he's not prepared to compromise, then he'll have to accept the change.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2024 15:29

If you both have equal time then there’s no excuse for this really. Do you actually have equal time available as you say his excuse is that he has no time, is that true?

As an example my husbands previous job was the same amount of hours as mine, we were both working full time, but mine was full time hybrid so 3 days a week I was wfh and the other 2 days my office was only a 20 min drive. So 3 days a week my “day” was literally 8 hours exactly, the 2 office days around 9 hours including commute. Whereas at that time my husband’s job required a lot of travel and the office he was based in was a nearly 2 hour drive away, some of the sites were 2+ hours. So although we were both working full time his days were considerably longer than mine so during that time I was doing majority of the cooking/washing etc because by the time he got home he basically had time to quickly eat, shower and go to bed so that he could get up to go again- but even then weekend’s he would do it so it wasn’t all me all of the time.

If you have equal time then housework really should be either split evenly, or there should be some kind of trade off.

Ginmonkeyagain · 31/10/2024 15:38

So he can choose. Stuff does not get done or he outsources his share (buys ready meals, takes his clothes to a laundrette, pays a cleaner)

username7891 · 31/10/2024 15:48

In the 10 years we have been together I have done all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc etc…

I can't get my head around a grown man who sits scratching his arse while he gets waited on hand and foot by an exhausted skivvy. However, I can't get my head around someone who chooses to be a skivvy.

He obviously thinks you're happy with the situation as you've been doing it for ten years. He thinks you'll complain but carry on regardless. Is he wrong?

IcyLilacZebra · 31/10/2024 15:59

Well then in this case I would stop cooking for him doing his washing and anything else you have been doing because your busy to so you just cook for yourself and if he doesn't like it he can get off his lazy arse and do some of the housework to
I'm working working slightly less hours then my dh and he does full time and we absolutely share the housework we're a partnership and that means we respect each other and wouldn't burden the other by being lazy or disrespectful

mrandmrsrobinson · 31/10/2024 16:01

Get a housekeeper one day a week and pay her out of the joint account.

She can do washing, ironing, and cleaning. Then get a gardener and do the same. Put your feet up and chill out.

LostTheMarble · 31/10/2024 16:06

If you split up, would he just sit there starving and sat in filth? Or would he suddenly find the time to manage chores and meals? He knows he’s using you and you’re letting him.

Original poster
QuirkyFox · 31/10/2024 18:13

To be honest I was brought up to look after a man and it was just instilled in me to do it so I did what I thought was right. I’ve been told by friends we don’t live back in the days that my elders lived in. Men were the bread winner so therefore women stayed at home and looked after the house.He works as a builder and works from 8 and gets home at half 4 with weekends off. I am a home carer with early morning starts to get several clients up, then do their lunches, teas and also put to bed. I do early morning starts with an odd hour or so at home and with this time I try to do all the housework, cooking and shopping. I work every week day and every other weekend. There is no children at home as they have left home but do have 2 dogs so need to hoover regularly due to their breeds which my husband walks in the evening during the week but not weekends. I have had to do so much extra work due to being able to afford my half of the bills. My husband earns very well anyway.

OP posts:
GrazingLamb · 31/10/2024 18:15

Your husband is an absolute prick.

2024onwardsandup · 31/10/2024 18:16

Grow your self respect - stop doing his washing and any cooking for him. Clean to the extent that you can live with.

prepare for him to kick off and start to plan for your life and a lovely life looking after just yourself and enjoying your freedom.

2024onwardsandup · 31/10/2024 18:16

Plan for a divorce

NewName24 · 31/10/2024 18:29

I honestly don't know what to suggest as he's let you do everything for 10 years already and doesn't seem to care that it's unfair and upsetting you.

As per the first reply, here, it is difficult to know what to say, or how to help, as this is now the entrenched / default position.

Nor do I 'get' a marriage where one person earns considerably more than the other but then keeps that money, only 'paying in' the same amount as someone who is on minimum wage. What kind of a partnership is that ? Confused

But, as you have been married 10 years, and also said your dc have now left home, I'm guessing this is a 2nd marriage. How can you have gone in to this without working everything out in the first place?