Help

[QuirkyFox]

My husband and I both work full time and split the household bills and each pay a set amount into our joint account so everything is covered. In the 10 years we have been together I have done all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc etc… I’m struggling and exhausted by it. Any advice on how to solve this as my husband says he doesn’t have time to do much and is too exhausted to anyway. So my suggestion to him of doing half each won’t work. I suggested I pay into the house a little less than him so I can cut my hours to have time. This is no good either as he said it’s like he’s paying me to do the housework and he won’t do that.

Try not cooking one night. See what happens.

Just because you started out that way OP doesn’t mean it is right or that you should continue. You are not a skivvy or a lesser person than him, you both work full time and live in the house so you both share it 50:50. If he won’t lift a finger either tell him you are dropping your hours, or if you can afford to, get a cleaner and start to get shopping delivered or if you can’t afford either of those give him an ultimatum, he does his share and treats you with respect or you and him are done

He earns a lot more than you but that doesn't mean you're the house elf. If he has lots of money but doesn't want to put time into housekeeping then he needs to pay for a cleaner. You were brought up to look after your DH but that was because then a woman either didn't work or did a few hours a week, he doesn't get to have it both ways all his life.

OP he's completely taking advantage of you and treating you with contempt. He makes you pay half towards bills yet earns a lot more than you. He lets you work extra hours rather than contribute by percentage earned.

He gets in at 4:30 and sits with his feet up until you get home and cook dinner. You also work alternate weekends, doubt he lifts a finger while you work 7 days a week.

Don't drop hours so you can run yourself further into the ground. You need to find your anger. Relook at the finances and work them out according to earnings.

He gets in at 4.30 so he has plenty of time to rest before he even starts dinner. He's a twat.

He’s using you. Has no respect for you. And won’t change. Why would he…he’s got a maid.

Huh! I started work at 8am this morning and am just heading home now. Where I will be cooking dinnner and putting a wash on as it is my turn.

Mr Monkey will wash up and put out the washing, even though his shift doesn't end until 8pm.

I am calling lazy misogynist prick.

Get a cleaner and pay for it out of your joint money.

Get some paid help, a good cleaner. It won't break the bank and is definitely worth it.

Preparing food together is nice, most couples like doing that. Insist on it.

Thankyou all for your comments… they are really appreciated. I haven’t said before as I needed to find out a general opinion from others but I have stopped doing anything for months apart from the cooking and the washing. Oh and I only buy the necessary food needed for meals. My cupboards and fridge are bare and my house is well… I’m ashamed 🙈 I’m very depressed about it and I have tried asking himbseveral times how we are going to solve the issue but it ends up firstly with him telling me he works so hard and he’s exhausted. I have more time than him!!! Also he reminds me that he does do the washing up after tea… well he mostly does!! Then it turns in to an argument which is nothing to do with this situation. He may run the hoover around once a fortnight but then try’s to make me feel guilty by huffing and puffing and under the breath comments about how exhausted he is.

Divorce him and enjoy life. There's no need to accept some shitty misogynist using you for labour. The only point of a husband is for massively enhancing your life and making it fun, this man has failed.

Another suggestion... be really concerned about his level of exhaustion, suggest it could be anaemia, leukaemia, cancer or something equally scary, and beg him to see the doctor as you are so worried about him.

He may actually be as exhausted as he says he is, in which case there is something wrong, or he may just be lazy, in which case this might just get him to buck his ideas up a bit. But get a cleaner anyway, especially if he has to chip in for it.

I hope to goodness you do something or this post and the advice on here is pointless!! Get rid.

He sounds pathetic OP. Unless he has an underlying health condition? otherwise he is utterly pathetic. Does he not think you feel exhausted? You do a hard job that I bet can be both physically and mentally draining depending on your service users?

Good on you for doing the bare minimum, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed, you’re trying to take some action and he’s not playing ball which is the embarrassing part but for him.

I really think you just need to assess whether you want this to be the rest of your life or not. If you decide you have had enough, he may change once he realises the severity of your feelings or he may not, I personally after having the discussions with him and him whining and not coming up with any solutions would be ditching him. But you need to decide what you want

So you've tried to get through to him and living as you are is depressing.

Time to call it a day then and make a really happy single life for yourself.

OP you know that you need to leave. This is no way for you (or him, tbh) to leave. Neither of you is happy.

Just go. Divorce, and live a happy life.

Are you of menopause or post menopause age, because this is probably some of the cause of your unhappiness, because you have become less tolerant ?
You feel that you are unappreciated ?

Secondly, you do not sound like you operate as a "team" at home.

You have not mentioned who does these things ?
Or do you do all the below as well ?

House maintenance & DIY, insurance

Garden maintenance

Car/vehicle maintenance, MOT, insurance, tax, service, clean, breakdown

Holiday booking

Birthday, Christmas arrangements, date nights ?

Do you both have equal time free for hobbies ?

I would suggest

Buy a robot hoover

Get food shopping delivered or click & collect

Do not cut your hours, because this will affect your pension & savings, protect yourself.

Why can't he cook pizza or something simple once a week for you both & wash up. Or get a takeaway ?

If you were sick or worse, hoe would live ?
Plenty of people live on their own

I have had to do so much extra work due to being able to afford my half of the bills. My husband earns very well anyway.

Say what? Your 'half' of the bills? You're a married couple, do you not pool resources?

I haven’t hit the menopause yet, good few years away I should think but yes my tolerance is getting less.
In answer to your questions…
House maintenance, yes he does the bulk but I always help where I can, I contribute a lot.
Bills I sort out but that is because before we moved he wouldn’t let me know anything about them. Everything was done via his email and I was made to feel like I didn’t trust him if I asked how the bills were going… I had to transfer what he said was needed in to his personal bank account. When we moved I insisted on a joint account so we could both see what was going on.
Garden maintenance is yes him and I do deem cutting the grass/hedge a contribution but it is very seasonal and not really that often!! But I do appreciate that it has been done.
We look after our own cars… tax, insurance, mots etc. But he will wash mine if he’s going to wash his but I contribute by hoovering and polishing.
Holidays… me as we wouldn’t go anywhere if I didn’t.
Birthdays …. For the children and for him me. My birthday… he has taken me away a couple of times but if he doesn’t then I sort it out.
Date nights… What are they?!? If I didn’t say let’s go out then we wouldn’t.
We honestly wouldn’t do anything if I didn’t suggest it, if we do anything like go to the cinema or theatre it’s because I’ve suggested it.

He sounds pretty awful. Do you really want to stay married to a lazy, thoughtless man who doesn't respect you and financially abuses you?