Passive aggressive family

[Straightuptoyourface]

Aibu to think once a person starts sending your child birthday cards and gifts, they should continue? I have 2 sisters and they have stopped this year for no reason. One of them did send a hb text. My daughter turned 3 last week. I know they continue to send cards and gifts to each others kids, who are a few years older. I don’t feel entitled, but it’s the inconsistency and changed behaviour that hurts. I definitely can’t say anything. We are not very close. Aibu to feel so hurt? What do other people do to deal with passive aggression? Confrontation is not an option.

If your not close why bother.
Let them get on with it.
Family aren't worth stressing out over.
Nothing you can do anyway.

Did you say thank you, on your child's behalf, for the previous presents? If they posted them, did you let them know that the parcels had arrived? Just thinking of things which would annoy me and may, potentially, have annoyed your sisters.

Yes I always said thank you. Literally nothing has happened as to why they would be upset with me.

No they do not need to continue. Quite entitled to think this. They should have given you a heads up though maybe, but no one owes your kid a gift.

So this just happened last week and you've decided that They are passive aggressive? I'm sure there is more to this than you're saying.

Why is that passive aggressive?

Even though they continue with each others kids? And I sent their kids gifts? And they did so the 2 previous birthdays?

Sorry you are upset on your dd's behalf but a bit of context here would help op!

Do you send birthday presents and cards to their DC every year for example?

Did you acknowledge and thank your sisters for the presents on behalf of your DD?

Why are you framing this as passive aggressive behaviour and not attributing it to other factors such as business, illness, or just the fact that if you are not close, they sent presents to your child when they were first born and not after that?

I don't really understand why you are getting upset because it's not as if a three year old will notice is it? Maybe you would have cause for complaint if your child was eleven and your sisters had sent birthday presents and cards for the last decade, but she is not at an age to even be aware of things like this yet ?

Tbh, I think if you go around looking around for things to be upset about, then you will easily find them!

Maybe try and look behind why this is upsetting you so much?

And why do presents matter anyway? Why aren't you more worried about your dd not being close to her cousin's? Are you doing anything to facilitate that? Presents without a relationship are pretty empty gestures!

🌻🌻🌻

Edited to say: X posts op! I see you did send their kids presents!

Maybe they don't think of gift giving as transactional? I am not saying that you do either btw, but maybe they think it's more honest not to send gifts every year if your relationship is not that close?

Maybe you are more upset about the lack of closeness between you and your your sisters than your realise if this upsets you so much? Could you perhaps instigate some RL meetings?

Ok I feel out of my depth here.
yes there’s more to it. I’m hurting deeply.
I would do anything for my my dd to be close to her cousins.

Well it means that you don't have to buy anything for their kids so it should save you a lot of money.

OK I understand why you may not want to write it all out here op.

You sound upset that your sisters are close and you perhaps you feel left out?

The great thing about having DC is that they do sometimes provide an opportunity for renewal and starting over. And resolution of past difficulties maybe?

The presents to your DD from your sisters and vice versa sound like nice gestures and might provide a good basis from which to start afresh?

Both sides need to make equal effort to make it work though. Could you perhaps go and see them if you want to be closer? Start prioritising the relationship between the cousins if you feel that's appropriate?

If your kids get nothing their kids get nothing too. Make that very clear.

Thanks for your message. Yes I’m very upset. I feel very isolated. I don’t really know what to do aside from the gestures I’ve been doing. There were massive falling outs, but I thought the gift exchange represented that we had been rekindling. Now I feel like they don’t like me - again can’t write the story on here. Maybe it’s too far gone at this stage.

Thanks but it’s not about the ‘gifts’ per se. I love giving gifts.

This seems to be hurting you a lot - I understand you can’t post here but can you seek counselling? It sounds painful and difficult.

I would wait for Christmas and if nothing arrives then either you have your answer, don’t keep sending them gifts if they wont reciprocate. It is putting you at a disadvantage and being in a position of weakness. It might be time to protect yourself properly.

Thanks I’m looking into counselling. I’m crying right now. I thought we were on the mend but I felt like the ‘forgotten’ gift was an unspoken message to me. As birthdays and occasions have always been important in our family.

Do you send to their kids? Maybe they forgot?

Maybe not though op!

I wouldn't immediately attribute the lack of presents this year to negative intent on their behalf. Not without talking to them and seeking out more information anyway.

How about approaching this with a neutral mindset?

Family life with DC is full on. It's half term in some places. They may have had flu. Or a demanding work deadline? There could be any number of reasons!

Obviously without knowing more it's impossible to advise or help, but I hope you can work things out with your sisters, or if not, be able to reach a comfortable resolution in your own mind about it.

I am fairly old now but what I would say is; family relationships can be hard. And not having family relationships can be hard too, whatever people say on Mumsnet about the delights of going lc or nc - it still has it's stresses. So in a way you have to chose which "hard' you go for, whilst being clear about your own boundaries and protecting them of course.

If you reach out again and get rejected, you risk being hurt, which is obviously very painful, but at least you know you gave them a chance and made every effort you could for your DD's sake and your own.

Good luck 🌻🌻

Why is this passive aggressive? There’s nothing passive aggressive I can see in this, they just didn’t send a birthday card.

No one has to; it isn’t a lifetime commitment. It’s lovely when people do but why assume it’s some heavily coded message rather than forgetting or not being arsed with it this year?

There is no moral obligation to send gifts simply because you did so last year. People's circumstances change. Maybe they need to cut back on non-essential expenditure.

@Straightuptoyourface yes from what you've said i would be feeling a bit miffed too. The giving then not giving would feel, to me, very passive aggressive. Not sure what you can do other than have it out with them. It does sound callous tho.

You mention not being close to them, am I right in assuming that they are closer to each other? Do you see each other often or message or call much between gifting occasions?

People have different attitudes to gifts, maybe they feel odd about exchanging gifts with someone that they don't feel that closeness with. It sounds like a lot has gone on and it might be a good idea to talk it through with a third party to process it.

I'm sorry, it sucks when family relationships aren't what you want them to be.

Is it a case that you generally feel left out by them op?

There’s been alot of passive aggression in the past of this nature where it is intentional - not a family of great communicators.