Aibu to think some parents expect their kids to be the brightest & best at everything? Then are resentful if kids do better than theirs?

[Pumpkinspawn]

I know a couple of families like this & it's very unpleasant. They expect their dc to be the best at sport, top sets etc.. They are openly resentful to kids who are higher achievers than theirs. I have seen this first hand. Aibu to think this is a trend then has got worse since covid?

Of course. There have been pushy parents and people who think their children are the next Messiah for millennia.

There’s always a thin line between encouraging your children to do the best they can and stressing them out but that’s been the case for time immemorial.

I don’t think COVID has anything to do with it.

Honestly, there have been parents like this since I was a child. I bet they are a barrel of laughs at parents’ evening.

My son isnt school age yet so i haven't experienced this but im sure it's always been the case. My son is a bit behind according to nursery, with some things. I don't care (besides supporting him with those) and i still think he is absolutely the best and most clever baby that ever lived - because i love him for who he is. I focus on the things i love about him- not what i think he should be doing

These parents get on my nerves, and are very obvious.

DS5 is extremely bright and ahead in pretty much everything, always has been. I really don't push him too hard, or spend hours reading every night etc (I also don't say douchey things like 'extremely bright' in real life as brags, BTW) He does loads of clubs because he prefers that to the after school club everyday, but doesn't 'have' to do anything.

I regularly get accosted questioned by parents when their kids play with DS and it's clear he's ahead in something. They seem completely put out and almost enraged that he chooses to read by himself/practise times tables without me standing over him like a hawk.

Most people think their children are the best, but not always for the same reason. Mine was clever, easy win. One of his friends had a personality of pure sunshine - he was also the best kid. Another learned English fluently in about six months, another stunning lad. The loyalty of one, in hard times would make anyone proud.
So much to be proud of in just about every child and I think most parents get that don't they?

Ok I'm going to do the unthinkable and admit that my children are not child geniuses. Whilst they try their best and do well I have friends whose children are cleverer and easily breeze through school lessons. I know it was a shock to one of my friends to find out how clever her children were.
I am a tiny bit jealous that her children find it so effortless and that my friend won't have to struggle to get her children 'seen' by the school but they are such lovely people that I couldn't be resentful that their children do well and the children are lovely too. Our children may end up on different paths in life, but I hope that all of them find a vocation or job that can give them the lifestyle that makes them content, whatever that may be.

Yes I definitely think there are some parents like this. I have one very academic the other who struggles (ASD) and I am equally proud of both of them. My eldest works hard but it’s luck that he’s got a good brain and also that he’s not had other adverse life circumstances to deal with.

It's grating. I know a couple of families who openly expect their dc to be tops academically, at sport & at music because they were themselves & they have the money to spend on their kids. They are openly resentful when other kids achieve highly too. It drives me mad..

What’s worse is when children sometimes struggle with behaviour or mental health and the parents are just blind to it because of denial or being convinced they couldn’t have anything other than normal kids. Very damaging

This is a great example!

Ironically the parents with the most successful (and often most popular) kids are the least pushy of their own agenda but most encouraging of the child to be their own person.

I would agree with this. Also many parents have such an entitled attitude when it comes to their dc..

It's not new. My friend and I were little prodigies, and her dad would grill me about whether or not I was doing better than her in the car during lifts!

I once had a Dad tell me he was 'incredibly clever and very successful' I paused a second too long (on purpose) and said 'So X is...' and acted like I didn't hear his boast.

I've had another Dad say (completely seriously) 'my son is the best lad you have in your school' I smiled and said 'we all like that about our children don't we?' and changed the subject.

I've had parents say 'my child is extremely bright' about their perfectly average child.

Parents say 'My child is bored' when actually they can't do the work without help.

My beloved father, who was exceptionally bright, received a shock when he realised that two of his sons were limited in intelligence. It works the other way as well.

And then at the other end, I used to live in HK and have my Chinese friends tell me “oh my girl is not very academic, very average” which means “may not get 3 A* at Alevel. 🤣

Just putting the other side of this: my husband and I both did well in school and are now professionally successful. Our DS 5 is markedly behind - likely neurodivergence but not the rain man shit everyone thinks it is.

It hurts to see other kids excelling past him and their parents to say things like “oh but they all develop at their own rate la la la!”. Easy to say when you’re not awake at night, desperately worried about their future.

Disagree massively with this because if it were actually true Indian and Chinese people in Britain wouldn’t be outearning white Brits.

Some pushiness is required for success. It doesn’t always demonstrate itself as sitting over them with a ruler as they do their homework - but in being their voice at school, making an effort to take them to sports / music performances, putting them into things like Kumon or Mathnasium proactively BEFORE they start associating maths / english with failure.

When my eldest DD was at primary school, she had a close friend (let's call her Rachel) who was exceptionally bright and sporty and seemed to be able to turn her hand to anything. She was the oldest child in the year group so that helped, but her mum was also super pushy and clearly delighted that Rachel was top at everything. (Rachel was a lovely, polite and kind child too, so no issue with her at all).

Then one day, when they were about 7-8 years old, the class started swimming lessons at the local pool. Now my DD, and several others in the class, had been swimming since a toddler, and could swim like a fish by that age. But Rachel couldn't swim at all and was quite scared in the water. You should have seen her mum's face when Rachel was put in the bottom swimming group, with almost 1-to-1 support!!

Moral of the story: no child is good at everything!

I don’t know anyone like this and my kids go/went to highly academic grammar schools. I also don’t know a single adult who is good at everything across the board. I would say most parents I know are worried about the future and things being harder for their own DC than they were for themselves.

So how old are these kids OP? Surely by mid secondary reality has dawned on such parents. Highly insecure people hiding behind the veil of competitiveness are tedious. I would assume they didn’t achieve as much themselves as they may have hoped and are forcing their own kids to make up for it. I would assume their world is quite narrow.

They're a hoot 😳 I speak from experience!

It's the 'darker' side of working in education, explaining to deluded, pushy parents that their child prodigy is actually distinctly average (or worse really struggling academically!!!)

DD was grilled on end of year results recently. She lied to the parent and said she'd done worse than their kid.
The family are crazy Uber competitive at academics, sport and most painfully friendship.
The friendship one is the worst. If their kids aren't happy about how someone else's kid is hanging out with a new bunch, the parents just socially blank all the parents.

Totally! I had a friend whose children did it all, dancing, gymnastics, grammar school and she talked endlessly about how bright they were and how their future would be secure. They were bright and they were good at everything.
Mine in comparison were very average, youngest below average even and I could only afford swimming lesson and brownies.
The last time I saw her she was almost rude to me when catching up that both my children are at university and have taken steps to higher education, they also work. Her children have halted after GCSEs, maybe burnt out who knows but they work in minimum wage jobs and have no interest in anything education wise now ( one is mid 20/'s and one 18)
To be fair I'd have been thrilled with that for my youngest but she's gone to university having made huge efforts to get there. My friend was clearly unhappy with how this had worked out and hasn't spoken to me since

I can imagine she didn't want to hear one single iota about your lovely children! That's exactly what I'm talking about, the resentment is so obvious especially when the family & kids are "lesser" in their opinion. Their disbelief is incredulous!

I hate pushy parents. It can be pretty bad in music/theatre circles. I can think of one example where the mum has pushed and pushed and this ‘I am and must always be the best’ attitude has really been instilled in the daughter. She’s very talented and does excel but she struggles massively with friendships. I blame the mum (dad doesn’t seem to feature).