ExH, his new girlfriend and the family beach house

[Endoftheroad12345]

ExH and I split in late 2022. I left him
after years of abuse, including physical abuse. Haven’t regretted it for a second. I have a new partner who I am very very happy with, exH has a new girlfriend, I have as little to do with exH as possible. He has our two children every other weekend. He pays bare minimum child support, won’t buy clothes for them to keep at his house, is generally a shit dad and human being. My 9 year old son came home with a bruise on his arm a couple of weeks ago from Dad pinching him. Not the first time my son has been hurt by his father. This has been logged with the police.

I bought exH out of the family home last year. It’s nearly killed me with massive mortgage + peak interest rates, but I am lucky enough to have a great job and have been able to manage. We also co-own a beach house. This is about to be listed for sale - for various logistical reasons it was financially advantageous to delay the sale. (Had we sold a year ago we would have paid circa $150K in extra tax and the market was v v depressed).

When I bought the family home the (substantial) beach house mortgage was paid off from my mortgage to save us from usurious interest rates. Both of us have good jobs - exH earns slightly more than me. He rents a property for about half what I pay in mortgage. ExH is waiting for the beach house to be sold before he buys a house. I gave exH the option of buying me out of my interest in the beach house so he was the sole owner. He refused - he doesn’t want to be “left with it”.

I have never taken my boyfriend to the beach house - in fact have gone to considerable expense booking airbnbs when we have gone away together. My view that when we split was that the beach house was a family home, it was special to our kids and what was once our family and taking new partners there would be disrespectful of that.

Despite this, exH nagged to take his girlfriend there. I said I wasn’t comfortable but I am used to him disregarding my wishes on everything so I said not with the kids there and not sleeping in my bed.

A month later (at Easter) he took the kids away as his sister was visiting from the UK for a family long weekend. Unbeknownst to me (or the kids), the girlfriend was invited. When he was told, my eldest son (9) cried and asked t go home (he told me later). ExH then refused to allow the kids to call me for 48 hours to make sure I didn’t find out.

Since then, exH takes his girlfriend regularly and I can tell they have been sleeping in my bedroom. I have tried to be grey rock about it all tbh as he’s such a lying cunt I can’t be bothered engaging with him.

Over the last month, exH has got very busy preparing the house for sale and announced he was going to plaster and paint the interior walls. This is a man who, in the 21 years we were together, couldn’t paint a doorknob. It transpired that New Gf is quite a dab hand at renovations and plastered and painted 3 bedrooms over the course of a week. For free.

I said to exH that was weird and he could afford to pay someone and I hoped that at least he was paying her… his first reaction was to say “she wants to help!” and the second was to ask me to chip in for half of it. That would be a no.

This weekend just been was a long weekend here and I took the kids to the bach. New Gf has been very busy, reorganising the linen cupboard (I can tell as the towels are folded into thirds, something exH never mastered in 20 years). My wardrobe… with all of my clothes hanging in it … has been tidied up and reorganised.

The house is far from Manderly but at this point the Rebecca vibes are off the chart. My tampons are literally in the bathroom drawer.

My strong suspicion is that exH has told New Gf it’s his house (“I let her have the family home for the kids… I took the beach house in the separation … but I still let her take the kids there on holiday because I’m Such a Great Dad”).

Whether she knows or not, AIBU to find it massively creepy and intrusive and go full Mrs Danvers on both of them?

That’s the best version IMO. I watched the recent Netflix remake and it’s beautifully shot with great clothes but doesn’t have the spooky factor

@Endoftheroad12345 Yes, it’s properly creepy!

Anyway, I’d just get on with your life and let you ex and gf get on with theirs. As a PP said, he’s probably love-bombed her into doing the renovations and she thinks it’ll all end happily ever after when the house is sold.
Except you know what he’s really like and his nice facade will crack at some point. Thank goodness you’re out of it.

The difference is that it’s MY house,

well yours and your ex’s

It’s not though is it. Because I bought it. Is your house still owned by the previous owner?

you’re about to list it
your ex needs the money to buy himself a property

and yet you’ve planned to take your partner there… next summer?

you bought it
yep
but your ex has 50% financial interest in it whether you like it or
not

it’s about to be listed

likely tidied up for the listing photos and viewings

Are you really this thick or just a wind up merchant. When you buy someone out of a house they no longer have an interest in it

to quote you

as acknowledged, it’s his house too, I can’t stop him.

as acknowledged, it’s his house too, I can’t stop him.

@ketchuptom They started out with two houses, their primary home and the beach house.

1. The OP has bought her ex out of the primary home so it’s now 100% hers.
2. The beach house is still co-owned and will be sold in a few months.

Have you already been on holiday with the new dp and kids?

yes i’m talking about the beach house

The beach house is still jointly owned

I haven’t taken my partner there

The former family home is now owned solely by me. My partner has stayed here (as of only very recently)

HTH

👍

You know touching another woman's tampons is out of bounds.

Sorry, I did read that. What I disagreed with was calling OP controlling; I think she's justified in her feelings, which don't make her controlling. IMO

You make a lot of assumptions. Put your spite away in the knowledge that the house will be sold. When it is, you will not have any more business dealings with him.
When I read posts similar to this one, I wonder what you ex husband’s version is. You just sound bitter. His girlfriend sounds great.

I don’t think I am controlling (in the context of the property) - all I am articulating on this thread is an emotional reaction. My exH has done exactly what has suited him throughout, it would be futile to attempt to control him!

My exH would certainly call me controlling re the kids. That’s a matter of perspective - he does very little in terms of actual parenting, everything is organised and executed by me, so of course I have “control”. And given his history it’s hardly surprising that I’m controlling re the kids.

In terms of the gf, I’ve reflected on this thread and talked to friends and I think it is the right thing to do to take the high road and assume she is operating (a) with good intentions and (b) without a full set of facts. She seems to be a nice enough person. I saw exH at DS’ sports this morning and asked what their plans for Xmas are - her family are not based in our city - and it seems she might be working at Christmas so will be alone, so I said she was welcome to join us for breakfast and kids’ presents.

exH: “that’s nice of you”
me: “I am actually a nice person in case you’ve forgotten exH” (you twat)

How he managed to pull not one but two nice women when he is such a cunt is a mystery to me…

OP, I think you've been rather patient with some of the posters on this thread. I wish you and your kids all the best.

Oh, and I agree with you that Max de Winter was an absolute bad 'un. Although we have sympathy with the second wife, she is not a reliable narrator. In fact, she would be rearranging Rebecca's (monogrammed) tampons in a split second.

Monogrammed tampons 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I would love to read a prequel to Rebecca written from Rebecca’s perspective. Seems weird he went from sexbomb Rebecca of the fab parties and lingerie to no name child bride. I bet he was controlling and inadequate and shit in the sack 😂

Interesting Reddit thread on Rebecca if anyone is interested (segues wildly from OP)

Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier...WOW lets talk

Finished re-reading Rebecca, read it 1st when I was 18 and many things went over my head I'd love to discuss. Contains spoilers

•Rebecca loved herself, Maxim loved Mandalay, narrator loved Maxim.

•narrator is the original pickme girl

•Maxim enjoys treating narrator as inferior. The "proposal" & the way she squashed her concerned gut feelings was hard to read. As was the exchange between Maxim & Danvers after she broke the ornament, threatening to leave her in the middle of nowhere in Monte Carlo, all their "disputes". It's clear to us there's no reciprocal love or respect.

•Maxim cultivated balance of power in his favour. Not buying her appropriate clothes before arrival at Mandalay, not warning her about Danvers, he kept setting her up to fail.

•Maxim is an incel

•narrator & Frank fell for each other. I couldn't stop focusing on this while reading. They enjoy each others company, laugh, she talks to him freely, they share same social background. Frank is who helps her navigate social situations, he always makes sure she's eaten, when Favell confronts them Frank goes to stand behind her chair, a gesture of unity you'd expect from a husband.

•Maxims confession is blatant BS. Danvers shares Maxim was besotted with Rebecca in the early days. Danvers knows Rebecca was unfaithful, why would she lie? Narrator observes Maxim having deep emotion while smelling the azaleas in Happy Valley, azaleas Rebecca brought to Mandalay. Maxim claims Beatrice hated Rebecca. Beatrice seemed genuinely concerned about the suicide verdict, not just for Maxim reputation. His description of Rebecca fleeing to London after fulfilling social engagements and slowly integrating her friends into Mandalay sounds like a women in a controlling marriage holding onto a level of freedom. Not a master manipulator. Especially as he chooses a young, naïve friendless orphan for his 2nd marriage.

•Rebecca is gay 🏳️‍🌈

•Beatrice fancied Rebecca 🌈

•Rebecca and Favell were alleged cousin-fuckers

•Rebecca is an "imperfect victim". It's easy to believe Maxim's POV because she terrorises the disabled man, she abuses her childhood horse, she's bisexual, she's unfaithful. She also has all the traits women are demonised for possessing in a misogynistic society. Fearless, too confident, independent, too perfect, not only aware of her beauty but using it to her advantage. There's a parallel to be drawn in the way these characters tear apart Rebecca and the way our society tore apart Amber Heard.

•Yes Rebecca became ill. But it's telling the amount of characters who comment Rebecca was always too slim and start making the same observation about the 2nd wife. It read that Max sucked the life out of his wives with his emotional abuse. The weekend Maxim leaves her alone the narrator notes she feels lighter & happier and then corrects herself.

•Maxim withheld affection until after his confession. Then he immediately lovebombs her to secure her blind devotion. Her circumstances leave her with no other option. Calculated.

•The book makes it clear their physical relationship begins with the confession & ends with Mandalay. Why does the film version with Emilia Fox & Charles Dance portray their relationship as sexually active from marriage? I believe the Netflix version also does this, I'm interested why.

•Maxim planned to murder Rebecca despite his claims the reverse is true. No one in the household knew Maxim had returned from dinner with Frank, who is as loyal to Maxim as Danny is to Rebecca (perfect alibi), Danvers was away, (a rarity) & he took a gun with him to confront Rebecca believing Favell was with her. The only flaw in his plan was underestimating how poor his sailing abilities were from lack of practice. Maxim is clear he considered murdering Rebecca in Monte Carlo, believing the unstable terrain would provide a natural alibi. Calculated.

•'I'd forgotten that when you shot a person there was so much blood.' How many other people did you murder Maxim de Winter?

•That abrupt ending was a mindfuck. The reading equivalent of a mic drop

I would be more concerned the way he is treating your kids,emotionally and physically.

And why should she? OP owns half too, so if she wants her stuff to remain there, she can. And should be able to so without the GF going through her draws and cupboards.

you reckon? hadn’t occurred to me!