To go NC with DM, despite her ill health

[BonfireToffee]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible, despite it being a looooong story.

DM was emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up: bullying, favouring my brother, humiliating me, not feeding/caring for me properly, removing opportunities from me for no good reason.

I cut her out in my early 20s because I couldn't cope with any more of her nastiness. For the next decade (and then some), she sent me abusive emails and messages - some private, many public - and I didn't respond or retaliate.

I decided to give her another chance a few years back - I'm more resilient now, not a cowed adolescent who's afraid of her mother. But after nearly five years, the relationship has deteriorated again and I want to go NC permanently.

Some of the big reasons:

• She doesn't respect boundaries around me, my home, my DC. She's complained about me "putting boundaries on her" despite me being polite, and has trampled said boundaries whenever possible.

• She undermines my parenting, feeding DC things I've specifically told her not to, telling DC lies about me, telling me lies about what she's said to DC, hinting to DC that she can't do X, Y, Z "cos you'll just go and tell your mum."

• She makes rude and disrespectful comments to me - predominantly about me being lazy and being a poor housekeeper (I don't think either is true).

• She's becoming increasingly right-wing and racist, and won't stop talking politics despite repeated requests. She continues to do so and lies about the source of her info in a bid to stop me discrediting it.

• She becomes enraged if challenged even gently on any problematic behaviours, huffing, tutting, playing the victim and storming off home.

• After our latest argument, she told me to "leave [her] alone for a few weeks". I blocked her for peace's sake, as she has form for continuing to rant even once a conversation is over. In the week that followed, she texted DP 20+ times (all about what a cow I am), requested to be allowed to come to the house, came to the house despite being told not to and hammered on the door for 10 minutes, left a snidey note, sent a three-page letter on what a horrible daughter I am, and sent two emails on the same topic.

Her take is that I am "extremely intolerant" of her, "do nothing but criticise her" and make her feel "incredibly bad." For my part, I feel this is untrue - I've cared for and supported her, taken her on holiday, allowed her to build a relationship with DC, and had her to stay when her health has been bad.

She has texted DP to beg him to "leave this channel of communication open in case of emergencies as it's all I have..." - she has no contact with other family members, and no close friends. She is frequently ill and has a chronic health condition that flares up sometimes.

I feel guilty at going NC and am questioning my decision, as she genuinely hasn't got much of a safety net apart from me.

I guess the AIBU is "AIBU to cut off contact for the sake of me and the DC, despite DM being basically alone?"

YANBU.

You are not responsible for your Mother. Although there are those that think blood is thicker than water and family is family and all that, i disagree.

Is your brother not around any more?

Cut ties. Move on. Feel no guilt. Don't expect any inheritance of course. You owe her nothing.

DB has cut her off and moved away - he's a complete dick, but also has many complaints about DM. I don’t know what's true and what isn't, as we don't speak and haven't for many years.

You were very optimistic to think she’d be better. Get your dp to block her, why on ear5h is he/she having to tolerate her shit? I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my dc!

FA&FO

she is now at the "Find out" stage.

So she is making no apology for the past, no mention of how she will change, just "don't cut me off, I'm all alone", well there's a reason for that.

That's what happens when you're a nasty horrible toxic woman.

DP hasn't blocked her but has ignored all her messages, apart from the one asking to come and see DC (he replied, truthfully, that DC do not want to see DM, so please don't come to the house). She ignored that, came anyway, and bashed on the door for 10 minutes before storming off. She's since complained I "left her standing on the doorstep."

She has now emailed to say she is "disgusted" with us both, for not having the "manners" to reply to her.

She is pretty much guaranteed to get The Mystery Illness before Christmas so brace yourself and don’t get sucked back in.

Hi op I feel your pain
A brilliant book by sherrie campbell will help you heal. It's not your it's your family...

My mum was a narc personality disorder
Sounds like your mum has it too

Look up website daughters of narcissistic mothers also

You aren't alone

Not unreasonable. She made her bed, don’t get sucked in op. Ignore. I’m sorry your mum is like this.

Let her stew in her own juice. She is the very personification of a toxic parent, and she does not deserve anything from you at all.

Would you stay in contact with an abusive ex-friend with a long-term illness, just in case she needed to use and abuse you again in the future? No? Of course not.
It's the same with your mother. The fact that she birthed you is not relevant to your adult relationship. Adult relationships are won and maintained through mutual love and respect, not guilt.

It is very hard when you love someone to cut them out, even when they are abusive. I was verbally abused by my mum a lot but tolerated it till she died. Family also.

Do i regret it? Yes, I wish I had stuck up for myself more. However, she was mentally unwell. However, I regret more my families lack of accountability for her actions and pandering to her nature. If they had been different, I wouldn't have been abused so much.

Does other family enable her actions?

It's up to you How you proceed. You definitely need periods of low contact for your mental wellbeing.

What is her illnesses? Is she getting help and support?

Perhaps saying she needs to see a dr as it isn't healthy to be like this.

If classic narc personality disorder she won't go for the help.

Narcissistic thrive of the drama unfortunately.. . Then other family enable it for a more peaceful life.

No advice but

IME once you cut ties properly, over time any guilt totally vanishes and you feel no more for them than you would a random stranger.

I cut ties with my Dad in 1995. In 2022, i found out he'd died in 2012. His wife (technically my step mum though i never met her) did not want me told of his death in case i tried to make a claim on his will.

Which i never would have i never would expect to be left anything from an estranged parent anyway. So his 3rd wife inherited his entire estate.

And im also estranged from my brother. A sad story there which i won't go into here but i honestly feel nothing for him now either. I did at first but i've not seen him since 1995 and don't expect i will again.

No regrets at all. I had an excellent mum but unfortunately she passed away in 1987. We definitely would have stayed in contact had she been alive and i still see my mum's sister now and message her regularly.

I'm sorry you've been through similar - sending you a hug.

To answer your questions:

Does other family enable her actions?

There isn't any other family. No one will speak to her.

What is her illnesses? Is she getting help and support?

She has a chronic autoimmune disease that is being managed, and complications from diverticulitis. She's had surgery but may need more in future.

Perhaps saying she needs to see a Dr as it isn't healthy to be like this.

I've tried the caring approach. In none of her communications these last weeks has she even admitted she might have done anything wrong. I've been questioning myself; she definitely hasn't.

Do what’s best for you. It is her own fault that she has driven everyone away.

I'd tell her that you're sorry she feels you are ill mannered and 'disgusting'. You think it's best for you not to contact her as you dont want her to feel criticised or further disappointed by you.

Id seriously read the literature I recommended... it will really help. Do you keep in contact with other family members who are no contact?

My sister and brother, we supported eachother but since death have become more estranged.

If seems my mums narc ways held the loosely glued fabric of family together, I think we all enjoy a more peaceful life now.

Fine by me, OP.
I have been in a similar situation as you and now, at 45, I'm thinking about finally sending my
"DM" to hell.
Sympathies.

I cant recommend the book by sherrie campbellcto help with healing.

I feel so much rage sometimes but the book really grounds. Me.

Do not let this infect the next generation op. Your children should not be exposed to this

I was in a similar Situation and going NC was the best thing. My mother also has bad health and she is an absolute bitch - I used to sometimes worry I was somehow doing the wrong thing but I always remind myself what she did and said to me when I was a teenager - may be triggering for some relating to baby loss so be aware

She made sure I was unable to get out of the house when I became pregnant as a teen, abused and threatened me and dragged for a second trimester termination. Afterwards when I had a total breakdown and begged to know where my baby had gone she told me ‘in the hospital incinerator with the rest of the rubbish’ it turned out I found out many years later when I got my notes that 1) all staff were aware i was refusing but that she insisted it went ahead and they allowed that and 2) the choice was there for the baby to go to a rememberance garden at the crematorium and she told then no to dispose instead. She took so much away from me so I feel no guilt and when she dies I will only feel relief

OP, cut her off.
Keep her the hell away from your children.
Tell your partner to block her.
Contact 101 if she continues to harass you.
You owe her nothing.
Get some counselling if you think it might help you.
Your family do not deserve this drama at their door.

I'm sorry for what you've been through 😔 your mum honestly sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder and I don't say that lightly. You are in no way responsible for her awful behaviour and whatever you do, she won't change. I think you should safeguard yourself, your partner and your children from her damaging influence in your life. Don't feel guilty, she has not cared for you, was and continues to be abusive towards you - you don't owe her anything. For your own sanity, you need to cut contact for good.

I don't even know how to respond to this. I am just so desperately sorry your mother put you through such a horrendous experience, and so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace x

@BonfireToffee

Look at all the nasty things she said about you! I guess my feeling would be "Gee, if I'm that terrible then I'll do us both a favour and drop off the face of the Earth where you're concerned. Then you'll never have to put up with my nonsense again". Obvs you don't actually say or text that to her, it would be my 'internal monologue' as it were followed up by hitting the 'block' buttons everywhere I possibly could. Then I'd breathe a sigh of relief.

I'd go NC in a heartbeat and ask DP to block her, too. IF you or DP feel that there needs to be a 'conduit of information' for to stave off any unannounced visits it should be DP and he should NOT be telling you anything she says unless it's to forewarn you that she may be showing up. You don't need to hear her abusive words. DP can keep those to himself. If he's unable to do that or you can't help asking then DP needs to block her too. Get a Ring doorbell and call the police on her. Do NOT reply to her banging on the door, just call the police.

If you do decide to go NC, remember that it's always best to do so 'silently'. No last ditch attempt to explain your position, no 'goodbye forever' message, no 'never darken my doorstep again' text. You simply stop. Trying to make them see your point of view is pointless. Fore-warning them that you're going NC simply ramps up the abuse.

As far as her health conditions go, she's made her bed, she can lie in it. If she's alienated everyone who 'cared' about her, that's her problem not yours.

You deserve a happy life with your own little family. You'll never have that as longs as you allow her to drip her poison in to your life.