To go NC with DM, despite her ill health

[BonfireToffee]

I'll try and keep this as short as possible, despite it being a looooong story.

DM was emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up: bullying, favouring my brother, humiliating me, not feeding/caring for me properly, removing opportunities from me for no good reason.

I cut her out in my early 20s because I couldn't cope with any more of her nastiness. For the next decade (and then some), she sent me abusive emails and messages - some private, many public - and I didn't respond or retaliate.

I decided to give her another chance a few years back - I'm more resilient now, not a cowed adolescent who's afraid of her mother. But after nearly five years, the relationship has deteriorated again and I want to go NC permanently.

Some of the big reasons:

• She doesn't respect boundaries around me, my home, my DC. She's complained about me "putting boundaries on her" despite me being polite, and has trampled said boundaries whenever possible.

• She undermines my parenting, feeding DC things I've specifically told her not to, telling DC lies about me, telling me lies about what she's said to DC, hinting to DC that she can't do X, Y, Z "cos you'll just go and tell your mum."

• She makes rude and disrespectful comments to me - predominantly about me being lazy and being a poor housekeeper (I don't think either is true).

• She's becoming increasingly right-wing and racist, and won't stop talking politics despite repeated requests. She continues to do so and lies about the source of her info in a bid to stop me discrediting it.

• She becomes enraged if challenged even gently on any problematic behaviours, huffing, tutting, playing the victim and storming off home.

• After our latest argument, she told me to "leave [her] alone for a few weeks". I blocked her for peace's sake, as she has form for continuing to rant even once a conversation is over. In the week that followed, she texted DP 20+ times (all about what a cow I am), requested to be allowed to come to the house, came to the house despite being told not to and hammered on the door for 10 minutes, left a snidey note, sent a three-page letter on what a horrible daughter I am, and sent two emails on the same topic.

Her take is that I am "extremely intolerant" of her, "do nothing but criticise her" and make her feel "incredibly bad." For my part, I feel this is untrue - I've cared for and supported her, taken her on holiday, allowed her to build a relationship with DC, and had her to stay when her health has been bad.

She has texted DP to beg him to "leave this channel of communication open in case of emergencies as it's all I have..." - she has no contact with other family members, and no close friends. She is frequently ill and has a chronic health condition that flares up sometimes.

I feel guilty at going NC and am questioning my decision, as she genuinely hasn't got much of a safety net apart from me.

I guess the AIBU is "AIBU to cut off contact for the sake of me and the DC, despite DM being basically alone?"

I hope you can find peace too. I know what a lonely place it is growing up with no love from the one person whose love you are meant to be able to take for granted.

I have times where my mind tries to
trick me with memories of small kindnesses she allowed me something silly like buying me sweets one day out of the blue but I remind myself that it was not real kindness and I keep her words about my baby in my mind not to make myself sad but to keep myself on track with keeping myself safe from the damage she would cause if I ever had contact again.

It’s so hard and I really feel for you

She brings nothing positive to your life OP and never has. You owe her absolutely nothing. She mistreated you as a child and is still doing it.

You have a misplaced sense of guilt when you have nothing to feel guilty for. Cut her off completely and block her on everything. Your DP needs to block her too.

🌺

no words.

Would it lessen the guilt if you make your choices based on what's in your children's best interests?

I'm so sorry to read this. Really am lost for words. I hope you have found some comfort and solace now.

You don't have to justify going NC to anyone.

I don't have any level of contact with my sister, because I slowly realised how utterly crap I felt after every interaction with her. She criticised, belittled and all under the guise of her so called christianity. It's been life changing and my only regret is not having the courage to do it years ago.

Thank you to everyone for the supportive words and advice, and much love to those who can relate to this kind of pain 💐

Update I wish I didn't have to make. I'm literally shaking.

I've just had messages from my abusive ex - screengrabs of texts DM has sent him overnight, misrepresenting the situation and sharing private information about me and my new partner.

Ex is predictably enraged and threatening to call DM and find out everything she knows about me since we split. I've contacted a solicitor to enquire about a cease and desist letter.

She knows enough about me to get him properly riled up, and potentially endanger me, the ongoing divorce proceedings, the sale of our house (in my ex's name) and, consequently, the purchase of my new home. I'm heavily pregnant - DM knows this and ex does not.

I've never felt anxiety and hatred like this. I knew she would do this, and somehow never believed she would. How can anyone be this evil?

I'm so sorry op, this is horrendous. She's answered your question about going nc herself. What was she thinking, there's no coming back from that.

Sending you and others on this thread love and strength.

I would find it difficult to ever cut off my own mother. As much as we've fought over the years, she would never put me in danger like your one has because she loves me, and regardless of what she says, she would take a bullet for me. She loves me fiercely in her own way and I am secure in that knowledge.

I'm not sensing that mama bear energy from your mother.

You can only keep forgiving blood relations where that unconditional love exists.

I'd suggest going further than NC and get some kind of injunction or whatever the equivalent UK order is to prevent her endangering you and your family.

On a personal level i think id be firebombing her house.

Made your decision easier.

I've emailed a couple of local lawyers with a view to sending her a cease and desist letter, which is the step before a formal non-molestation order.

If she does anything else in the interim, I'm considering the police.

so sorry you're going through this. Absolutely baffling as a mum to understand just how your DM can some woth the ex! Good luck.

So sorry you're going through this, OP.

Just one question about this - is your baby likely to be born whilst you are still legally married to your abusive ex?

As someone who went NC for 15 years then tried again resulting in NC - you know how this is going to pan out.

However - therapy taught me that deep down that little girl in me would absolutely love their mother just to be a normal, loving mother, to be safe and secure as that’s all kids need to feel whole as it always feels like something is missing - that’s why I allowed her back in.

BUT - there is years of unresolved issues that will trigger you. It can’t be fixed - unless she profusely apologies and admits the damage that was caused and works hard to amend - that’s not going to happen is it?

You also have to look at why she was like that. What happened to her to make her treat you like that? What fucked her up so bad she had to make her daughter’s life miserable? If you can find the reasons it does take away the feeling that you wasn’t good enough and it was her issues - not yours.

Our parents are often not who were need them to be and we don’t have to be around them out of obligation if they have been cruel and unstable.

She sounds bad for your mental health. Do what is best for you.

I'm so sorry @BonfireToffee - you sound like a decent caring person and you don't deserve any of this. I'd go NC permanently with absolutely no need to feel guilty.

But I really would recommend that you contact the Police. Now. Because she's shown up at your door before, and is now fixated on a course that could cause serious and lasting harm to you and your family. Please notify the Police as a matter of urgency; it may not result in any action but at least they with be alerted to a potential problem. And do get a Ring doorbell if you can, in case evidence and/or warnings are needed.

Wishing you strength and love and better times ahead. x

I’m so so sorry she has done this to you

OP I'm so sorry for your troubles and I speak from a place of understanding. My own mother had BPD diagnosed by a pychiatrist.

She spent her whole life creating pain, drama, playing her children off against each other, abusing her husband and children, saying the most evil things you could imagine then being outraged when there where any consequences or anyone tried to put boundries in place. She told lies about people constantly to make herself look good and them look as bad as possible even to the police.

I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been terrified, horrified, outraged, baffled, exhausted, broken, hopeful. You name it - I've been through it with her.

Somebody being our mother does not give us the right to treat us badly. In fact it is WORSE because they are our mothers and they are supposed to treat us better than the general population. Unfortunately human beings are wired to want the approval of their first caregivers and if you are like me you were probably 'trained' (brainwashed) to put her first and accept bad treatment as being normal.

I have to say what your mother has done though contacting a dangerous ex and giving him amunnition to hurt you is very, very bad. I would contact the police and make them aware that you have tried to go no contact with her and she has involved a dangerous ex. Let them visit her and tell her not to contact you again. Then tell your ex the police are now involved and telling your mum to never contact you again. Hopefully he might behave better if he knows what is going on.

Apart from these two things I would do nothing. Ignore any communications from mum or the ex. Don't respond to anything.

On the plus side your mum has now made the decision very easy for you to never have anything to do with her again. She has literally put you in danger to get her way. You can never trust her again no matter how much you want to.

She's a mentally ill woman who you need to protect yourself from. She's not your mum.

Sending you much love and support.

Oh my goodness she is poisonous

At least now she has removed any hesitation you might have had about any further contact.

She is 100% vicious, unhinged and a danger to you and your family.

Absolutely report to the police.
You need to go all out on keeping her away from you.

I'm so sorry.

Yes, new baby is likely to be born before divorce is finalised at this rate. Ex is not the father.

Thank you so much for sharing your advice, and your own story - nothing much I can say other than to send you so much love for having gone through this with your own mother. It's an incredible and unique pain, and I don't think there's anyone I'd wish it on.

Give yourself and your own family the gift of peace, Op.
You can't afford the luxury of guilt.
🌹
100 per cent support you on this.

Update

I spent yesterday putting together a fairly comprehensive file of evidence as requested by a solicitor. Hopefully they'll be able to review it and find it's enough to justify them sending "D"M a cease and desist.

I told ex I would be seeking legal action against DM. Ex said he wouldn't respond to DM but then immediately did so anyway, expressing his sympathy to her at the "unfortunate" situation and saying he respects her but to please leave him out of the situation moving forward.

DM messaged him back immediately and repeatedly full of love and sadness and confusion, claiming she has no idea why I'm "doing this to her" and framing them both as victims of my cruelty and senseless anger. She "hopes he can find happiness somehow after everything I've done to him."

I've told ex that this is the worst possible thing he could have done to me, and that I now have nothing further to say to him.

He's apparently baffled as to why I am upset. He's from a culture where you respect your elders no matter what, but I still can't forgive him for giving a woman who's abused me for 40 years an outlet for her lies and spite.

He texted again shortly after to apologise for hurting me, and to say he's now blocked her. I've ignored those messages, responding only to messages relating to our house sale or shared DC.

I'm still considering whether to contact the police. Will wait and see what solicitors come back with today (hopefully).

Thank you to everyone for the kindness and support. I don't feel able to keep offloading this on friends because it's just ramping up at a ridiculous rate and I feel really stupid and humiliated. So it really helps to have MN as a bit of an outlet - I feel like it's helping me stay sane.

Tonnes of love to those who can relate. It literally feels like I'm in Hell.

If I were you I would give the council a call and just check whether there's anything to do to make sure your baby's father is actually legally recognised as the father.

If you are married your husband is assumed to be the father of the baby and the last thing you want to do is accidentally give him parental responsibility for your baby.