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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To speak up for DS

47 replies

Autumn5000 · 30/10/2024 14:37

Was round mums with Dsis and niece and nephew. They had all been playing nicely. Nephew then starts throwing tantrums because niece was playing on something and he wanted to even though he had a turn previously. He then stood in front of her and refused to move for her to continue playing. He then calmed down and was building a house. Dsis and niece then go upstairs. My Ds comes through and wanted to play a game which he was doing nicely. Nephew then announces he would like to play too. So they are both playing nicely and it involves turn taking and there are rules to the game obviously. Nephew didn't want to follow the rules which then made it unfair on my DS. I explained the rules again and nephew starts having a tantrum. My DM then steps in and excuses his bad behaviour and says to my DS "lets just let him play his rules". With my DS being a nice boy and not wanting to rock the boat he agrees. I bite my tongue as don't want to cause a scene in front of DS. Nephew continues his bad behaviour and now is sobbing in between his turn. We ask what is up. He won't answer us. He continues having multiple tantrums because my DS is playing by the actual rules but he plays by his. My DM then say's to my DS to leave playing the game so nephew can then play on his own. Nephews whimpering stops immediately and he is now happy because he is playing it on his own in his own way. So I speak up and say that it's not fair and what is that teaching DS and nephew. DM say's no it's not fair but there is nothing she can do. I say that it's not fair that my DS was playing it to begin with nicely and was playing nicely with nephew for him then to be kicked out of the game and nephew to play it on his own and getting what he wants. DM seems annoyed at me for speaking up. I then say that we are leaving. We put our shoes on and say goodbye. DM says bye to DS but not me and when I say bye to her she snaps BYE back at me.
For reference DS is 8, nephew is 5, niece is younger.
Niece and Dsis were upstairs whilst all this was going on and did not come downstairs.
I am so fed up of nephew always ruining things. His behaviour is rude and always has to be his way. It is always my DS who ends up conforming to what he wants or says "it's ok, don't worry" but I don't feel like it's ok and DS shouldn't think it is. DM is such an enabler of nephews behaviour and will make any excuse under the sun to say why he is behaving badly.
I was conditioned by my DM to be a people pleaser. I don't want her doing the same to DS and making feel like he has to say yes.

OP posts:
GiraffeTree · 30/10/2024 14:43

I get that this is irritating OP. But your nephew is only 5 years old and it's normal at this age to be bad at games involving taking turns and following rules. Your DM just wants to avoid a tantrum. It would be different if your son and nephew were the same age, or if they were both older. Maybe just suggest they both stop playing that game and do something else.

Maddy70 · 30/10/2024 14:49

Really? Let them play and learn to deal with conflict. Thats how they learn

Preppercorn · 30/10/2024 14:49

YANBU OP. My DS is 5 and if he ever behaved like that, I'd be taking him home, never mind anyone else having to stop what they were doing to accommodate him. We suspect DS has ADHD and I have worked my arse off to minimise the effects of that so he is as well-adjusted as he can be.

Adults pussyfooting around children to avoid tantrums is exactly why a 5 year old can't sit nicely and take turns. What on earth happens when she takes him to a theme park? What does he do at school when the teacher has 30 other children to sort out?

Stand your ground OP, your DS sounds lovely.

redskydarknight · 30/10/2024 14:54

I think you would be better to visit when the cousins are not there. Or meet them in a park. Too much emphasis on "playing nicely" at home.

Lincoln24 · 30/10/2024 15:05

I agree with pp, I wouldn't have intervened at all. They both need to learn to deal with these situations themselves, your DS especially.

thenoldmrsrabbit · 30/10/2024 15:41

You'll never "win" 😆here OP because however young your son is , cousin will always be 3 years younger.
Granny probably is tired dealing with it all, understandably, so will just suggest to leave him be.

I had to teach my son to not let little ones walk all over him because he was far too accommodating for his own good.

ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 15:45

He is 5 OP

your issue needs to be with your sister and
mother

and i am guessing that there’s quite a
backstory between the relationship between you all separate to this

ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 15:47

you have just posted on the stately homes thread about your truly heinous parents OP

what the heck are you doing visiting??!

ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 15:48

going by how you describe your parents and in particular your mother in the stately homes thread… i couldn’t want these people within a 5 miles radius of my child, let alone visiting

Autumn5000 · 30/10/2024 16:10

ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 15:45

He is 5 OP

your issue needs to be with your sister and
mother

and i am guessing that there’s quite a
backstory between the relationship between you all separate to this

Edited

My issue is my DM. I'm not blaming nephew as he's 5. I'm annoyed at how DM handled it and said for my DS to leave it which she always does. She wants DS to people please just like she taught me to. But I'm not teaching DS to do that.
Yes not great tbh. My upbringing is why I was a people pleaser and ultimately ended up in many abusive relationships mirroring my parents toxic relationships

OP posts:
Autumn5000 · 30/10/2024 16:11

ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 15:48

going by how you describe your parents and in particular your mother in the stately homes thread… i couldn’t want these people within a 5 miles radius of my child, let alone visiting

I guess I'm still in the FOG. Contact has been greatly reduced

OP posts:
ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 16:17

Autumn5000 · 30/10/2024 16:10

My issue is my DM. I'm not blaming nephew as he's 5. I'm annoyed at how DM handled it and said for my DS to leave it which she always does. She wants DS to people please just like she taught me to. But I'm not teaching DS to do that.
Yes not great tbh. My upbringing is why I was a people pleaser and ultimately ended up in many abusive relationships mirroring my parents toxic relationships

Yes op
and so your issue should be with your DM

not just for this
for the frankly despicable behaviour over many years

ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 16:18

I am so fed up of nephew always ruining things. His behaviour is rude and always has to be his way.

well he’s only been on the planet for 5 years poor chap!

twoshedsjackson · 30/10/2024 16:29

Your nephew may well be upset, but as PP has said, consider the school setting.
Taking turns and following rules can be irksome, but better to be kindly but firmly steered into playing "properly" in the home setting, possibly talking him down gently, with family members, than being "that kid" at school, who gradually realises that nobody wants to play with him because he's such a sore loser.
If your DM is open to discussion (I suspect not) you could put it to her that, in the long run, she would be doing him a favour.

Kitkatfiend31 · 30/10/2024 16:44

My DS was your child in this scenario. Although less difference in age. It is very annoying and I feel your pain. Unfortunately his cousin grew up to be entitled and have very poor social skills. I could still be annoyed but try to focus on feeling glad my child is now a polite teenager who people like to spend time with.

therewasafishinthepercolator · 30/10/2024 16:56

You are completely right - how your mum handled it is the issue. You did the right thing by your son.

Your mum obviously wants a easy life! 😬

If this is an ongoing thing Id avoid being at her house when the nephew is there.

If you want to get the cousins together do it at your house or somewhere neutral like a park so any issues can be handled fairly without your mum jumping in to smooth things over to the detriment of your boy.

therewasafishinthepercolator · 30/10/2024 16:57

And as for the pass agg BYE. Well. I wouldn't even entertain that malarkey.

MissyB1 · 30/10/2024 17:02

Honestly don't subject your ds to all this. What fun did he get out of it? I had a friend whose child was like your nephew, I started only agreeing to meet up without the kids.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/10/2024 17:23

There is such a big difference between a five year old and an eight year old - it is easy to forget what they are like. Being at your mother's house possibly wasn't the place to start teaching your sister's five year old how to stick to rules he doesn't fully understand. I probably would have suggested playing some football or something instead.

Tbh I think you are bringing your own issues about unhealthy relationships into a situation that was more about normal five year behaviour.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 30/10/2024 17:27

So there are 3 children in this scenario and ONE who is causing problems. Be grateful that it isn't your child OP! Your sister needs to up her game majorly.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 30/10/2024 17:32

YANBU. Your DM is not helping your nephew. Five year old do have the occasional tantrum and problems with being fair. The tantrums are them reacting to working out they don't always get what they want and dealing with the frustration. It isn't nice but they need to experience it and learn to handle it.

Whenever my mother snapped at me I just carried on as normal and completely ignored her temper. That seemed to bring her back to normal more than anything else would have. She was a nice person though and not given to many outbursts.

autienotnaughty · 30/10/2024 19:08

I think you handled it brilliantly. Your ds was tolerant of his cousin (allowing for his age) but your dm was bang out of order for saying ds had to stop playing. He wasn't in a position to advocate for him self so you did it.

autienotnaughty · 30/10/2024 19:12

Maddy70 · 30/10/2024 14:49

Really? Let them play and learn to deal with conflict. Thats how they learn

She was. Her mother intervened

Autumn5000 · 30/10/2024 19:14

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/10/2024 17:23

There is such a big difference between a five year old and an eight year old - it is easy to forget what they are like. Being at your mother's house possibly wasn't the place to start teaching your sister's five year old how to stick to rules he doesn't fully understand. I probably would have suggested playing some football or something instead.

Tbh I think you are bringing your own issues about unhealthy relationships into a situation that was more about normal five year behaviour.

I'm sorry for those saying he doesn't understand. He does. He is very bright. I'm not saying my DS is perfect but 1. My ds didn't behave like this at 5 and 2. If ds behave this way i would have told him that's not how we share and if he still continued I would I have taken him away from the game to have some time to calm down.

OP posts:
Autumn5000 · 30/10/2024 19:17

autienotnaughty · 30/10/2024 19:12

She was. Her mother intervened

Yes my DM kept stepping in and when she was doing so and telling DS what to do eg. Let him play his way/stop playing now and let nephew play. Ds kept looking at me whilst DM kept stepping in as I knew he wasn't happy so I did speak up for him on his behalf.

OP posts: