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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To speak up for DS

47 replies

Autumn5000 · 30/10/2024 14:37

Was round mums with Dsis and niece and nephew. They had all been playing nicely. Nephew then starts throwing tantrums because niece was playing on something and he wanted to even though he had a turn previously. He then stood in front of her and refused to move for her to continue playing. He then calmed down and was building a house. Dsis and niece then go upstairs. My Ds comes through and wanted to play a game which he was doing nicely. Nephew then announces he would like to play too. So they are both playing nicely and it involves turn taking and there are rules to the game obviously. Nephew didn't want to follow the rules which then made it unfair on my DS. I explained the rules again and nephew starts having a tantrum. My DM then steps in and excuses his bad behaviour and says to my DS "lets just let him play his rules". With my DS being a nice boy and not wanting to rock the boat he agrees. I bite my tongue as don't want to cause a scene in front of DS. Nephew continues his bad behaviour and now is sobbing in between his turn. We ask what is up. He won't answer us. He continues having multiple tantrums because my DS is playing by the actual rules but he plays by his. My DM then say's to my DS to leave playing the game so nephew can then play on his own. Nephews whimpering stops immediately and he is now happy because he is playing it on his own in his own way. So I speak up and say that it's not fair and what is that teaching DS and nephew. DM say's no it's not fair but there is nothing she can do. I say that it's not fair that my DS was playing it to begin with nicely and was playing nicely with nephew for him then to be kicked out of the game and nephew to play it on his own and getting what he wants. DM seems annoyed at me for speaking up. I then say that we are leaving. We put our shoes on and say goodbye. DM says bye to DS but not me and when I say bye to her she snaps BYE back at me.
For reference DS is 8, nephew is 5, niece is younger.
Niece and Dsis were upstairs whilst all this was going on and did not come downstairs.
I am so fed up of nephew always ruining things. His behaviour is rude and always has to be his way. It is always my DS who ends up conforming to what he wants or says "it's ok, don't worry" but I don't feel like it's ok and DS shouldn't think it is. DM is such an enabler of nephews behaviour and will make any excuse under the sun to say why he is behaving badly.
I was conditioned by my DM to be a people pleaser. I don't want her doing the same to DS and making feel like he has to say yes.

OP posts:
ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 19:27

OP stop subjecting your son to these visits. Seriously

Autumn5000 · 31/10/2024 09:20

ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 19:27

OP stop subjecting your son to these visits. Seriously

I know. Tbh he isn't that keen on seeing them anymore

OP posts:
ketchuptom · 31/10/2024 09:21

so make a commitment to yourself and him… not to do it again.

Although i suspect this won’t happen

Autumn5000 · 31/10/2024 10:33

ketchuptom · 31/10/2024 09:21

so make a commitment to yourself and him… not to do it again.

Although i suspect this won’t happen

There's no need to made snide comments. Do you understand toxic families?

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 31/10/2024 10:36

GiraffeTree · 30/10/2024 14:43

I get that this is irritating OP. But your nephew is only 5 years old and it's normal at this age to be bad at games involving taking turns and following rules. Your DM just wants to avoid a tantrum. It would be different if your son and nephew were the same age, or if they were both older. Maybe just suggest they both stop playing that game and do something else.

It is not normal at all. You sound like the DM. If you normalise this behaviour it does exactly what @Autumn5000 is saying and panders to poor behaviour and these kids continue behaving badly as it gets the results they want .

WhatNoRaisins · 31/10/2024 10:38

I think ideally someone would have taken the tantruming 5 year old out to calm down before trying again with them game. I don't blame you for wanting some distance.

Spirallingdownwards · 31/10/2024 10:39

ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 16:18

I am so fed up of nephew always ruining things. His behaviour is rude and always has to be his way.

well he’s only been on the planet for 5 years poor chap!

So after 5 years he should be being pulled up on unacceptable behaviour so that he isn't still acting in such a way when he is 10 15 20 or as an adult

Spirallingdownwards · 31/10/2024 10:41

ketchuptom · 30/10/2024 15:45

He is 5 OP

your issue needs to be with your sister and
mother

and i am guessing that there’s quite a
backstory between the relationship between you all separate to this

Edited

so old enough to be told to play nicely

Screamingabdabz · 31/10/2024 11:12

I agree with you op. I can’t believe people are actually condoning it or saying you should just let them get on with it “because he’s only 5” - at what point to you start teaching them then? 7? Too late. 10? Don’t bother. 15? 🙄

Children need to be cajoled and modelled in an age appropriate way from a very early age how to behave. Allowing him to tantrum and get his own way all the time makes it easy for lazy adults, but is not doing him any favours in the long term.

YANBU.

ketchuptom · 31/10/2024 15:39

Spirallingdownwards · 31/10/2024 10:41

so old enough to be told to play nicely

yes of course

but this child has presumably grown up with no boundaries and amongst people that the Op openly says are highly abusive

poor chap probably has no idea

MrsRaspberry · 03/11/2024 18:51

This lads 5 hes more than old enough to be taught how to behave in a social situation. Can't believe people are excusing this shitty behaviour with his age. This kids behaviour is a product of being mollycoddled all his life. OP's son should not have to conform to a tantruming 5year old purely because nobody can be bothered to discipline him and teach him to behave himself decently in social situations.

Fridgetapas · 03/11/2024 19:01

Tricky one OP. I totally get your point of view that your DS was playing nicely and shouldn’t have had to stop but I also can see how the nephew is 5 and games can be hard at that age and they can get upset.

I think I just would have stopped the game for both at that point and said to DS I’d play it with him later as nephew was too little to play properly. It would have supported DS and also not condoned nephews behaviour.

Fridgetapas · 03/11/2024 19:04

Sorry should also add that ideally nephew should have been removed from game by DM if he couldn’t play but the above is what I would have said if she wouldn’t step up.

Phoenixfire1988 · 05/11/2024 10:26

Here the child throwing a tantrum would be told to get off the game until they can behave ! Allowing him to get his own way by behaving like a brat is going to ensure he's one of those insufferable children that absolutely no one wants to be around, never gets invited to friends Houses and is constantly left out your sister and mother are doing him a huge disservice

Phoenixfire1988 · 05/11/2024 10:27

Fridgetapas · 03/11/2024 19:01

Tricky one OP. I totally get your point of view that your DS was playing nicely and shouldn’t have had to stop but I also can see how the nephew is 5 and games can be hard at that age and they can get upset.

I think I just would have stopped the game for both at that point and said to DS I’d play it with him later as nephew was too little to play properly. It would have supported DS and also not condoned nephews behaviour.

Why should her ds be punished for her nephews behaviour ?

Fridgetapas · 05/11/2024 11:49

Phoenixfire1988 · 05/11/2024 10:27

Why should her ds be punished for her nephews behaviour ?

I don’t think it’s a punishment? He obviously couldn’t play the game with the nephew as the nephew wasn’t mature enough so I’d stop th playing and explain to DS I’d play with him separately. Nothing you could do in that situation could have made the nephew play nice.

Julimia · 05/11/2024 14:47

Short answer is Don't get involved...

  1. With childrens' arguments.
  2. With adult arguments about chidrens' arguments.
Ellsbells22 · 07/11/2024 20:53

I’m sure a 5 year old is still learning how to play at this point, they’ve only just started school and are still learning social skills! They need an adult to step in and explain why they can’t have things their own way. My nephew sounds the same as OP’s and it ruined every single time my son played with his cousin. It was extremely tiring.

Ellsbells22 · 07/11/2024 20:55

Spirallingdownwards · 31/10/2024 10:41

so old enough to be told to play nicely

It’s not as simple as being told to play nicely. 5 year olds don’t have enough social skills.

Ellsbells22 · 07/11/2024 20:56

Julimia · 05/11/2024 14:47

Short answer is Don't get involved...

  1. With childrens' arguments.
  2. With adult arguments about chidrens' arguments.

I agree with point 1 but when they are much older, as in junior school age!

Spirallingdownwards · 07/11/2024 21:26

Ellsbells22 · 07/11/2024 20:55

It’s not as simple as being told to play nicely. 5 year olds don’t have enough social skills.

They absolutely do. Maybe yours didn't.

Julimia · 07/11/2024 21:34

Each to their own point of view but having worked for many years with 5s and
under would say from when they can speak for themselves.

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