To go against my partner’s wishes re childcare

[PickedaPumpkin]

DP and I have been together 11 years. DS1 is 7, DS2 is 9 months.

DP and I used to run our own business together. When DS1 was born we were both working at home together, ILs were very active, and with COVID essentially closing our business during lockdowns, we basically sailed through childcare in the early years to starting school.

After COVID, DP decided to retrain and work away from our business, although he is still involved (either physically fixing things or telling me what I should be doing differently 🙄).

When DS2 was born (C-section) I took 6 weeks off from physical work but still did paperwork from the day I came out of hospital. Since DS2 was 2 months I’ve essentially been back at work full time whilst still doing all the childcare for both children (eg all school runs, afterschool clubs, holidays, sickness etc).

Safe to say, nothing is being done properly I’m just getting by. As funded hours kick in from 9 months I decided to find a childminder for one day a week. I told my partner I was doing this. He didn’t really say much. I found a registered childminder with availability on the day I required - I visited, she seemed nice. I was happy to go ahead.

When I returned home from the visit my DP told me he wasn’t happy using someone we didn’t know to look after our child. He had spoken to his parents and they would have DS2 on the day required from January. I could use the childminder until then if I needed.

I love my ILs, we get on well, they are great with the kids. But they are not getting any younger and they have their own health problems requiring numerous appointments. Their day starts later (albeit they return kids later), and it just won’t provide the cover I need. I don’t think anyone else understands this though. I’m also worried that ILs are taking something on they might regret in a few months and I’m back to square one.

My solution (that I haven’t discussed with anyone yet) is to commit to the childminder one day a week, despite DP’s concerns, and arrange regular and/or ad hoc childcare with ILs to fit in with everyone’s schedules. Now I’ve written it all down it seems perfectly reasonable.

However I also feel the burden of responsibility for choosing a childminder for our son against DP’s wishes. Should anything go wrong it will be my fault.

AIBU - to go against my DP’s wishes, childcare should be jointly agreed.

YANBU - you’ve been left to deal with it so do as you please!

I think it's a difficult one because obviously both parents should be happy with the childcare chosen. The complication here is that he's not actually doing enough of it to get a vote, in my opinion!

The question really is 'why' he doesn't want someone he doesn't know looking after the kid. I mean, your eldest goes to school, right - you don't 'know' everyone there, do you?

If it's concerns about abuse or ill-treatment with a non-verbal child, that actually doesn't stack up as he's happy enough for the wee one to go there for the next two months!

I'd probably grey rock this one. Get the baby into the childminder, smile and nod, then if it's working for you come January just quietly continue as it is, using ILs for ad-hoc care.

Thanks @HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf . I agree it doesn’t stack up - there is no lovic of using someone for a bit then stopping because you don’t know them. I think that was his attempt at a compromise.

In general he’s very anxious about the children. For example, with the older one, how many adults are supervising school trips? (Something I never ask as I trust people to have organised it right). If he’s looking after the baby, can I watch him whilst DP goes to the toilet? (How do I manage 5 days a week??).

He says he thinks about things I don’t 🤷‍♀️ maybe I’m too trusting/blase?

I'd prefer a childminder to be younger than granny age, really. You need to be able to rely on the childcare, not have it happen as a favour.

You aren't too trusting, all childcare is heavily regulated - my friend is a childminder and the hoops she has to jump through are enormous, which is as it should be.

If it's a stranger-danger anxiety then you could look at a nursery setting, where there are always two adults present?

But if it's anxiety there's not going to be a way to solve it, he'll find an issue whatever you do. In which case, original advice still stands!

(Unless you start to plant an anxiety about ILs being too old, might drop the baby, etc - but that's probably a bit mean...)

😂😉

I did look at our local nursery but they didn’t have availability on the day I required. It’s not stranger-danger, it’s me ‘dumping’ our child with someone who’s not family. (I once left DS2 with a very good friend for 2 hours so I could get a haircut - once in 9 months).

I’d say the magic words ‘let’s see’.

See how things go for the first few months then reassess. Tell your DH it’s not fair on the CM to only employ her until Jan and your DS will need time to bond and settle with her. Once that happens you’ll be in a better position to know how sustainable it is and your DH will be used to it by then.

Then give the in-laws those ad-hoc times to suit you and them. Best of both worlds I’d say!

For all the reasons you've said, I think stick with the childminder.

If you have a childminder the grandparents could provide alternative care in the event of sickness. What's his back up plan for if his parents were the only childcare option and were unavailable? You?
The grandparents will be able to spend quality time with your children on their own terms, not because they have to on a certain day. That will make for better relationships for all of you.
Your child(ren) will have experience of being cared for by someone outside of the family who may have other children in the care while they are there. They will have experiences outside of what is the norm for your family. All that builds confidence and friendships (my son is still friends with some kids he met at his childminders).
If you ever need to up your childcare hours, need emergency childcare, or if/when you need after school care, you already have an established relationship with a childminder.
I could go on, but in short, family are not always the best childcare option for many reasons. Stick with your plan, maybe even consider a couple of days to free up more time for you to manage your business and home life more effectively. You found a solution to a known problem. Your husband doesn't get to cancel your childcare arrangement without your agreement, especially as it doesn't affect him if it doesn't work out with his parents for any reason.

Well if he’s not happy with it he can look after his child for the day (or more…)

Perhaps he can work part time and cover childcare then?

What’s magically safer when DNA is involved? Team childminder here. They won’t let you down at the last minute and have recent experience of childcare.

Yanbu at all.

I'm surprised this isn't easy and unanimous.

If he's going to leave all the parenting to you, despite the fact you're both working, then you get to make all the decisions.

He sounds like an insufferable arsehole.

'He says he thinks about things I don’t 🤷‍♀️'

This is a twist and a half of you being the far more capable parent than him! You have to be. I can't believe you didn't outright laugh at him for that statement, either laugh or cry.

Have you ever left him to do both of them op whilst you go out for a day with friends? Oh, and remember he has to get a full days work done too.

I'm not a fan of a childminder. Someone else's home, no other adult/ possibly a stranger visiting, just doesn't work for me. However a nursery might be an option?

I understand his concerns BUT his solution isn't working either. You have valid concerns about the IL's. You deserve one day at least where you are able to get on with something without having to worry about the baby.

I can't believe I'm the only one reading this like this, but - how dare he?!? How fucking dare he dump all the childcare on you, then have the audacity to complain if you outsource a tiny bit of it to a trusted professional?

The bar for men is so so low.

I would use this to change your life op. It's just not acceptable.

'I've decided, I am using the childminder. I will burn out otherwise. I would also like to start having some leisure time, I haven't for 9 months, so I'm going to the beach with Barbara. Which Saturday would suit you?'

If he is leaving all the childcare to you then he should leave the childcare decisions to you also. He can’t dictate how his kids are looked after and by whom when he isn’t getting involved himself.
Ask him who will be looking after them when his parents are ill/have appointments etc. If he says him - great. If he says you - then he’s confirmed it’s your decision to make as you will have to pick up the slack when issues arise. Ultimately it won’t affect him so it should be down to the person who it will. And surely a trained professional is more capable of looking after a child than an aging grandparent.

I know… 🙄

He does look after them both all day on the weekend if I have to work, although I’ve normally had them for the first 5 hours of the day. But you’re right, he doesn’t have to work at the same time. He’ll have both of them for 2 nights and the business to look after in a couple of months when I go on a hen do 😉

You are in the right. It sounds as though you could do with more than one day anyway, so one day with child minder and ad hoc with grandparents sounds ideal.

Children get a lot out of being in different environments so it is all win win. My sister was a childminder and got outstanding in inspections, she really cared and put a huge amount of effort into every day and included a broad range of coherent educational activities that were also fun. Grandparents offer something different, so best of both worlds to have both.

He's happy with ILs, because if things go wrong it will be your problem to sort. Why are you with someone that does not care about you or your DC enough to even allow you maternity leave? YANBU to find childcare but YABU to put yourself and DC in this situation. I don't believe the anxious part for a second, if he was anxious about the care of his DC, he wouldn't leave them in the care of someone he knows is distracted by work.

He's a cheeky bastard isn't he ? So he lumps all childcare onto you who has to work and juggle the kids whilst he swans off and works freely with no restrictions yet has the audacity to moan when you arrange childcare to make working a bit easier on you........bet he didn't suggest taking a Monday off and looking after his child as he's so concerned did he ?!?!?!

Childminders on the whole are brilliant. More often than not, parents themselves.

You also have the choice of who you are comfortable with etc.

His lack of involvement with child care would lead me to go ahead and do it anyway.

If he goes off on one, the options simple: he stays home and does it himself

Plenty of mners on here complaining about mil's version of childcare...
Haven't read many grumbles about their childminder...

This. Tell him maybe you wouldn't need a CM at all if he even pulled a tiny bit of his weight. I dont know how he dares to criticise your plans when he has contributed fuck all.

Grandparents as ad hoc childcare is by far preferable as an arrangement if you can afford it.

If you're doing a job, then the childcare a grandparent gives us very valuable, but with ropes rather than strings attached, and that's not good for any relationship.

I love that our son can build a good relationship and routine at nursery then have fun with grandparents without any sense that we're giving them instructions for regular care/that they have to stick to a schedule that works for our working hours.

(Added bonus of GPs seeing kids in the week means the weekend is free from family visits.)

you cannot let his anxiety win here he is thinking about worst case scenarios and catastrophising because of it rather than letting you make a sensible family choice lots make (indeed it sounds as if you need more than one day)

becuase as they get older and he has less control it will become worse