To go against my partner’s wishes re childcare

[PickedaPumpkin]

DP and I have been together 11 years. DS1 is 7, DS2 is 9 months.

DP and I used to run our own business together. When DS1 was born we were both working at home together, ILs were very active, and with COVID essentially closing our business during lockdowns, we basically sailed through childcare in the early years to starting school.

After COVID, DP decided to retrain and work away from our business, although he is still involved (either physically fixing things or telling me what I should be doing differently 🙄).

When DS2 was born (C-section) I took 6 weeks off from physical work but still did paperwork from the day I came out of hospital. Since DS2 was 2 months I’ve essentially been back at work full time whilst still doing all the childcare for both children (eg all school runs, afterschool clubs, holidays, sickness etc).

Safe to say, nothing is being done properly I’m just getting by. As funded hours kick in from 9 months I decided to find a childminder for one day a week. I told my partner I was doing this. He didn’t really say much. I found a registered childminder with availability on the day I required - I visited, she seemed nice. I was happy to go ahead.

When I returned home from the visit my DP told me he wasn’t happy using someone we didn’t know to look after our child. He had spoken to his parents and they would have DS2 on the day required from January. I could use the childminder until then if I needed.

I love my ILs, we get on well, they are great with the kids. But they are not getting any younger and they have their own health problems requiring numerous appointments. Their day starts later (albeit they return kids later), and it just won’t provide the cover I need. I don’t think anyone else understands this though. I’m also worried that ILs are taking something on they might regret in a few months and I’m back to square one.

My solution (that I haven’t discussed with anyone yet) is to commit to the childminder one day a week, despite DP’s concerns, and arrange regular and/or ad hoc childcare with ILs to fit in with everyone’s schedules. Now I’ve written it all down it seems perfectly reasonable.

However I also feel the burden of responsibility for choosing a childminder for our son against DP’s wishes. Should anything go wrong it will be my fault.

AIBU - to go against my DP’s wishes, childcare should be jointly agreed.

YANBU - you’ve been left to deal with it so do as you please!

Don’t overcomplicate things OP, the PILs can’t offer the coverage you need, it’s as simple as that. (Though I agree your DH is really behaving badly by putting all the mental load for childcare arrangements on you and then also trying to criticise how you’re managing it!)

we used both a childminder and nursery when our DC were small and I think childminders are nicer than nursery for babies. They can bond with one person and the environment is more homelike. My DC loved their childminder. When they got to be older they enjoyed nursery more as they liked having more children to play with.

I would just forge ahead with your plans! Good luck.

I would proceed with your child minder option and think of anything that your in laws can offer in addition to that as a bonus.

Even with the childminder in place though, your current set up doesn't sound sustainable and you sound at risk of burnout. There isn't much to go on, but doesn't sound like your partner steps up with the parenting? Does he do some shopping/cleaning/cooking whilst you're working at the weekend?

I also wouldn't be leaving it for a few months before I started socialising. It doesn't have to be a 'big' event like the hen- just a coffee/lunch/couple of hours out alone to have some time away periodically, with the same option available for your partner.

'Dumping' is an awful phrase especially from a man who's not taking on any childcare while working himself!

Use the childminder. It will do your baby good to have activities from a trainer professional, baby will learn different things and we get so little for free these days. You can schedule meetings or 'deep work' on this day. We get so little in this life 'for free' please do take the hours offered to you!

Use the in laws too. That's great. If they live close maybe two afternoons rather than one day, or all day if that works best. Use this other day to work (if that means you can get it all done) OR use this for self care - haircuts, exercise, long bubble bath - you need it.

Remind husbands that old people get tired and have medical appointments etc and it's not fair to pressure them to be the vital childcare, being a bonus is better.

Don't make it either or - use all the help being offered!

Thank you. I didn’t expect to leap to the defence of my DP (I am quite annoyed by him over this), but in fairness, he’s not in a job where he can take one day off a week. And it wasn’t up to him to allow me maternity leave - I’m self employed, I could have employed someone to cover my role to allow myself maternity leave, but that also wasn’t practical.

However, I am annoyed that my daily responsibilities are not acknowledged, and that I’m made to feel guilty for some of the choices I make.

I would just continue ahead with ‘we’ll see’ but ILs are already talking about ‘their day’ so I need to manage their expectations, whether myself or through DP.

They can have a day, and the childminder can have a day.

Normally I'd be absolutely livid with your DH in this situation - you're workign and doing childcare and he gets to tell you what to do? No way.

But the one mitigating factor I'd put in here is that he has actually come up with a solution rather than saying, "tough, you just have to keep killing yourself over this."

Personally, I'd say something to him like, "look, if you realyl want to use your parents, I'm fine with that, BUT It has to be 100% the same, or better, than a childminder. that means I need to be abel to drop at a set time and collect at a set time every week. it can't just be cancelled because your mum has plans that day or she's ill. etc etc"

But I do thihnk you have a bigger problem here. lots of men seem to have this issue but don't actually see the problem with dumping it on their wives.

Absolutely keep childminder. You are working full time if in laws want to do a day they can do another day. You will burn out working full time little childcare and all school runs. That is a realistic issue that dh should be concerned about.

I suppose part of the equation is how much time is your business taking now, he's now essentially only very part time so you are working at it how many hours a week? I managed about 8 hours a week without paid childcare for comparison, I tried more and just wasn't feasible!

Yes, I agree. It’s just that the specific CM day has already been discussed, which ILs think is the day they will now have DS. I need to make sure ILs don’t organise themselves around that day.

The in-laws can have a day. Perhaps a regular one at weekends so that you can go out, with DP or on your own/ with friends.

Use the childminder in the week while you need to work. PILs can be your emergency back up option then because occasionally child will be unable to go to the childminder (illness of either of them etc.).

Tell your partner that. Plenty of time for them to have days with the grandchild.

Your child, you make the rules. DP has left you in charge of the childcare, whether he intended to or not. So you get to decide. In-laws can have a different day, or a weekend day if that suits you.

And feel free to tell him he doesn't get to organise your work/day/life for you

Especially as he leaves it all to you

I think your solution is a good one. Tell him you need 2 days of childcare covered. Childminder can do one and your Ils can do the other. Tell them which day asap, you can say the childminder only has availability on the day your DC is currently going.

As a (sort of) compromise I would say to DP that ILs can do the childminding one day a week but on that day you are not in any way responsible for childcare. So if ILs back out, or are sick etc, then DP has to take over. You are not getting involved at all.

It is entirely unreasonable of him to interfere with your arrangements and insist you do things a certain way but take no responsibility for it.

I'm guessing that when your ILs flake a couple of times he'll be getting in contact with the CM.

Exactly my thought.

He needs a rocket up the arse.

How the fuck is this your problem to solve but he gets to stand back and criticise.

Which days is he covering again?

Oh yeah, of course. He has a penis. He's exempt.

Your relationship sounds deeply unfair and predicated on the understanding that he doesn't have to do anything for his own children.

Fuck that noise.

DH needs to wind his neck in if he thinks you don't think about things. Cheek if it. Clearly you do and have done all your research which has led you to a childminder. He needs to pipe down.

A retired person say next year looking after what will soon be a toddler running around getting into mischief can be exhausted. It could be too much. So fine as an ad hoc but not your main plan.

Defo childminder one day and in laws can do a day too if they wish.

The childminder stays in your home so you can work from home and still be available if needs be until you are all used to the situation. That should satisfy DH that she's capable and decent. That you are on hand to keep an eye on things (Some people even install nanny cams. Up to you though. Many don't)

At which point you may be able to go into the office to work or have some freedom to grocery shop or get your hair cut without dc! What freedom, it'll be amazing!

Just a word to say that childminders don’t work in your home; that would be a nanny. Ofsted will have checked the childminder’s home to make sure it meets safety requirements, so the childminder probably isn’t legally allowed to work in the parents’ home.

i also think working from home with baby and carer there too would be a complete nightmare. The baby won’t settle if they know their mum is there too!

Plus childminders generally look after multiple kids!

Would this situation ever exist in reverse op?

So, you work Ooh. Your dh works from home. Would he simultaneously take full care of the baby, do school runs, all you do? Would he come up with a much needed solution and would you say point blank no? What do you imagine his response would be?

If you cannot imagine this situation ever playing out reversing your roles, then you are objectively in an unequal relationship. You seem quite passive about it all. The two of you need to have a good think about what experiences you have both lived through which has led you both to the misogynistic belief that the mother is the default parent.

I think that the childminder is the best in this situation. Your pil are older with health issues and being honest it hard work with a toddler. Then if the pil are not well or have appointments you have no childcare that day or days.
I tell your partner that you have decided on using a childminder a day a week but his parents could have their grandchildren an odd day for you. Tell your partner that can pay half the cost of this also and if he is not happy ask him can he take a day a week off work to mind his child?

It not fair on an elderly couple to expect them to mind a toddler a day a week especially if they have health issues. Then they probably get up later in the morning and like going away the odd day or might meet friends for a coffee ect. I know several people that are elderly and in a short period of time their health and cognitive ability have declined. They are physically and mentally not able to deal with things like they did say 2 or 3 years ago.

I think that the childminder is the best in this situation. Your pil are older with health issues and being honest it hard work with a toddler. Then if the pil are not well or have appointments you have no childcare that day or days.
I tell your partner that you have decided on using a childminder a day a week but his parents could have their grandchildren an odd day for you. Tell your partner that can pay half the cost of this also and if he is not happy ask him can he take a day a week off work to mind his child?

It not fair on an elderly couple to expect them to mind a toddler a day a week especially if they have health issues. Then they probably get up later in the morning and like going away the odd day or might meet friends for a coffee ect. I know several people that are elderly and in a short period of time their health and cognitive ability have declined. They are physically and mentally not able to deal with things like they did say 2 or 3 years ago.

Just say IL u need more childcare than you relapsed due to work demands so dc is going to childminder x day so could they do y day.

I think both having a day works and gives you two days so make that point