To cut off brother / go NC

[Insomnia73920]

I haven’t been able to sleep and have struggled with this for a couple of weeks.

About a month ago, my brother went through a messy breakup with his fiancé, who I had been good friends with. Throughout the breakup, I gave him all the support I could—time, emotional support, even financial help to cover moving costs. I spent several days helping him move, all at my own expense because he was struggling financially. He relied heavily on me emotionally, even though I was going through a difficult time in my own life. Despite barely having the capacity, I did my best to be there for him.

During his lowest moments, I spent hours a day listening to him, offering advice, and trying to lift his spirits. He confided that his ex had been saying hurtful things to him and had even cheated. I supported him through that too.

Then, about a month after the breakup, they somehow made amends. Out of nowhere, I received angry messages from his ex, accusing me of badmouthing her. I found out that my brother had told her I’d been talking badly about her, claiming he’d defend her against me. He also told her that he had told me they were back together, and I had been trying to convince him to break up with her again. This was completely untrue. I’ve gone over it again and again, and the only reason I can think of for him making this up is that he was trying to show misplaced solidarity with her—“My sister hates you, but don’t worry, I’m on your side”?

When I expressed how hurt and confused I was, he gave a half-hearted apology, admitting he shouldn’t have done it. But he still didn’t come clean to his ex, and instead continued to paint me in a negative light. I feel so betrayed. After all the support I gave him, he just threw me under the bus for no reason.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and I don’t feel any better. My gut tells me to distance myself from him. He did this at a critical time for me at work, and it’s impacted me deeply. Am I being unreasonable to think about creating strong boundaries with him—or even cutting ties completely—despite how close we were?

Also for background - he made a fuss about apologising to me and saying he’d make it up, he’s made no effort at all to even stay in touch with me since then. I feel totally taken advantage of, used and discarded.

Hey OP. You were kind and supportive, and he - for whatever reason- is behaving like a coward and thrown you under the bus in a mistaken attempt to get a damaging relationship back on track.
Yes, back off and don't let him use you like that again.
My guess is it'll all go tits up again for them and he'll want your support back. That's when you'll need strong boundaries and he'll have to rely on himself a bit more.
Best of luck.

Message him and his df saying you ar hurt he lied after all the support you gave him and you want nothing more to do with him.

Then block him and walk away.

This will be a really awkward situation for you, she won't want to see you so you won't see much of your DB either. It's bad enough your DB lies to her anyway without dragging you into it especially after all your help.
When he needs you again I'd be unavailable Op until he tells her the truth

I would defend your position in an open email to text to both of them, tell the absolute truth and also demand an apology from your brother for being a liar POS.

Give him a way back. I doubt very much you actually want to go NC, he sounds very immature!

If he apologised would you feel differently?

Thanks for your reply. My mum suggested the same, that I send a message which includes both of them, explaining my side transparently and calling out his lying. I may do this for my own peace of mind, at the moment I feel completely taken advantage of.

He did initially apologise, and say we would speak properly about things and he’d arrange for us to go to a nice dinner or something to discuss. But nothing happened - he has made zero effort to make amends properly, or rebuild my trust in him. That’s why I’m so upset about it all - he used me, betrayed me, then just discarded me when he no longer needed the emotional support/financial support. It’s so disappointing and hurtful

Well fuck him lier that he is they deserve each other

Write the email. And mention that he has destroyed your relationship-and the family’s relationship, with the gf by badmouthing her to all and sundry. Also: ask for the money back.

It’s horrible. Now I’m worried about how things will be at important times like Christmas, where the family is usually altogether. He’s totally demonised me for no reason, it’s causing me so much stress and sleepless nights 😥

Yes, he said some really awful things about her too - he obviously conveniently left out those parts of our conversations when he was telling her made up, spiteful things about me (which did not even happen). It’s really shit - as far as she knows currently, he’s being truthful. I haven’t properly spoken to her since it kicked off

Forget move on. Don't give headspace, they don't care about you. Very badly handled and not very tactful of her.
I wouldn't bother writing either.
Just think let them and move on.

Thank you for your reply. He definitely will try and come back and get support from me when it’s convenient for him - that seems to be the main time I hear from him in the first place. But I will never invest so much time, energy and emotion into supporting him after this.

I even asked him why he told the lies and created this horrible situation - I said he should have just not come to me for support in the first place if he was going to twist everything. His response was that because I’m his sister, he should be able to come to me for support. It all just seems so entitled, mean and selfish

Yes I need to leave it in the past now. It’s just so difficult because I just keep going over in my head, all the horrible and completely unnecessary things he has done. It would be bad enough if I had an argument with him and he behaved like this - but nothing triggered it, I was genuinely nothing but supportive towards him. I have never had kindness thrown back in my face in such a horrible manner

@Insomnia73920 I'm sorry but your not so DB has a lot of entitlement there. He thinks he's entitled to your support and then throws you under the bus- what about your right to him supporting you. Do the rest of your family know what he did and would they intervene for you?

Put this behind you. One of the most painful things about this, and the reason why you are ruminating on this, is that in your heart you feel like a patsy. Patsy is actually a position on the drama triangle midway between rescuer and persecutor. Its the position you get forced into when someone like your brother begs you for help (“rescue me Im being victimized!”) and you overextend yourself to “save” them and then they turn around and blame you for “persecuting” them (or in this case persecuting the ex gf) and turn your nice gestures into cruel ones. All of a sudden, in your brother’s version, you have gone from heroic sister to cruel sister in law—persecuting and victimizing poor brother snd his gf.

The only way out is to reject the game of being either the hero, the victim, or the villain. Stop accepting his apologies or requests for help. Don’t extend yourself for them at all. You will stop feeling like a patsy at that point.

Whenever this comes up—whether internally or externally, as a thought or a topic of conversation, just try saying “I’m not buying a ticket on this carnival ride again. Just not doing it.” I hope you will find you are able to stop ruminating on this pretty soon.

This has actually really helped me... realising I am a patsy in my family situation often! Good advice.

He needs to go on blended knee to apologise l I’d definitely tell him and the fiancée via email how upset you are about his lies and email the lies. He’s made everything so awkward and yes, he should have your support, but telling his fiancée outrageous crap about you is not on, he’s ruined family occasions and needs to make it up to you big time.

Could he be doing it to avoid paying you the money back?

I wouldn't bother writing a letter because it sounds to me he has already made up his mind on whose mast he is nailed his colours to for what ever reason, added to that I would feel I couldn't trust him again. Move on and if he ends up back in the "splitting up" situation again stand back and let him get on with it because if it were me I'd feel like all trust had gone and I couldn't allowed him to hurt me again.....self preservation if you like

Honestly they both need to blame you to have any chance at reconcilation (temporary at best) and writing to her won't change her mind, she has to believe him and go all in and she and him can't be the bad one or reason for relationship failure, they are scapegoating you and it sucks!

I'd say to your brother, yes your his sister and you got support, but you've not been supported by your brother, and you've been stabbed in the back for that support and not to expect it ever again because his hollow apologies haven't even touched the sides of the hurt and betrayal you feel, just like he did when she cheated! And to forget the dinner pay you back will be the only acceptable action he can take to make amends. Joint occasions have now also been ruined and that's horrible and unfair for you and he needs to make sure you're not impacted by his plans.

Distance, and don't cut off. But do speak to your family as Christmas will be awkward and that's not fair to you either.

Sorry lovely, he's acted disgracefully and when it happens again, be too busy with work, not have any money to spare right now and no emotional bandwidth and direct him to his friends if he wants support and don't be guilty about it.

@Insomnia73920 is he scared of her?
Is it likely she is trying to isolate him by creating family divides?

If you have satisfied yourself that neither of those things are the case then look after yourself and keep your distance.

Oh OP, I could have written this post at the start of the year. My (32f) little brother (22) did a similar thing in a different context. He lived with me rent free for 2 years, I helped him get on his feet and also paid for his therapy when he was depressed.

His dad is abusive and had thrown him out, so I was like of course, live with me, I'll help you. At the end of living with us he reconnects with his dad (who hates me) and starts cold shouldering my husband and I in our own home. He then decided to move out and cut us out of his life completely- we didnt get happy birthdays or check ins, just silence. He didn't even tell us he was getting married, he told us the day before the wedding and that we were not invited. I was absolutely devastated, having literally been like a surrogate parent from 18-20. We hadn't had a fight, no bad blood, just that his dad didn't like me and he had no backbone to defend me or fight to keep me in his life.

I cried myself to sleep over this for months. I had been nothing but good to him ,and he was treating me like a persona non grata. I have now set very firm boundaries with him - I will only be giving the effort I get. I will not be going out of my way.

At the end of summer he brought his new wife to meet me and his wife is lovely - I now chat more with her than with him. Our relationship will never be the same again, but I know I did right by him as a sister and he is the one who ruined it. My love for my brother is unconditional, but not his access to my life.

Sorry for the long winded reply, i guess this is a post to say i understand the frustration and betrayal, and thay you do not deserve how he treated you. Sending love and solidarity ♡♡

Leave them to it. Sounds like they have a toxic relationship and he's too weak to be a decent brother cowing down to bitch partner. He's stabbed his own sister in the back. When they break up again, and it will happen, whatever you do dont help him at all, not emotionally (he's proven how shallow his emotions were and was just using you) and certainly not financially. If he has the barefaced cheek to contact you again, either because they've broken up again simply say that your sorry to hear this and draw the line there.

You've been betrayed. It's going to hurt. But time will make you stronger and you'll know what you won't be doing next time. Xx

Sorry to hear this OP ❤️. My sister similarly has treated me in a shabby way a few years ago; after years of support. I fell out with her and told her straight. I didn't cut her off, but distanced myself. We have yoyo'd between close and distanced over the years since kids...we're very different. I think a lot of sibling relationships are like that. We see the best and worst of them over the years. Distance yourself and be wary of him in future is my advice, but don't cut him off. Your relationship maybe strong again at some point 👍

In the meantime invest in yourself and treat yourself...you deserve it 👍. Good luck OP ❤️

@Insomnia73920 I think you should do as others suggest and message both.

yes, your brother should be able to come to you for support in future. But not when he’s treated you like this; that’s completely disrespectful and needs to be resolved for that to happen.