To cut off brother / go NC

[Insomnia73920]

I haven’t been able to sleep and have struggled with this for a couple of weeks.

About a month ago, my brother went through a messy breakup with his fiancé, who I had been good friends with. Throughout the breakup, I gave him all the support I could—time, emotional support, even financial help to cover moving costs. I spent several days helping him move, all at my own expense because he was struggling financially. He relied heavily on me emotionally, even though I was going through a difficult time in my own life. Despite barely having the capacity, I did my best to be there for him.

During his lowest moments, I spent hours a day listening to him, offering advice, and trying to lift his spirits. He confided that his ex had been saying hurtful things to him and had even cheated. I supported him through that too.

Then, about a month after the breakup, they somehow made amends. Out of nowhere, I received angry messages from his ex, accusing me of badmouthing her. I found out that my brother had told her I’d been talking badly about her, claiming he’d defend her against me. He also told her that he had told me they were back together, and I had been trying to convince him to break up with her again. This was completely untrue. I’ve gone over it again and again, and the only reason I can think of for him making this up is that he was trying to show misplaced solidarity with her—“My sister hates you, but don’t worry, I’m on your side”?

When I expressed how hurt and confused I was, he gave a half-hearted apology, admitting he shouldn’t have done it. But he still didn’t come clean to his ex, and instead continued to paint me in a negative light. I feel so betrayed. After all the support I gave him, he just threw me under the bus for no reason.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and I don’t feel any better. My gut tells me to distance myself from him. He did this at a critical time for me at work, and it’s impacted me deeply. Am I being unreasonable to think about creating strong boundaries with him—or even cutting ties completely—despite how close we were?

OP have you written the email to each of them? If not please do so. I'd even include a link to this thread. But that's your decision.

Actually, if you don't want to send an email I would simply text your brother's Fiance with 'there is something I need you to see', and include the link here.

Do NOT get involved in any more of his drama. And definitely DO NOT SEND THAT EMAIL.

You want to win, but you won't, all that will happen is he'll keep lying and it will get uglier and uglier and involve more and more people. You will not and cannot force him to tell the truth. There's no happy ending, right doesn't matter, what matters is remaining safe and removing oxygen from the drama he has caused.

If you must, send him one simple email saying I am confused and disappointed about the lies you told to wassername and list the lies, in case at some point in the future it comes in handy to have this evidence.

He's not going to apologise and do the right thing, he won't admit what he did to his girlfriend, this is who he is, and you can't understand because some people are just liars and some are not.

I don't see what choice you have - it's not like you can hang around with him with the girlfriend with her hating you and slagging you off? You're going to have to drop him from your life, how else can it work?

Maybe at some point he'll come crawling back when she ditches him again, if so be very very careful. He's already shown you who he is, you'd do well to believe him.

And if he challenges you in front of other family members or othe rpeople stay very calm and say "You know this is a lie, not sure why you are lying, but it should stop now" and just calmly continue repeating variations of this. Do NOT get into a conversation with him about it. He will lie, lie, lie again and loop around to lie somewhere, all the while inventing, deflecting, gaslighting and whatabouting. Just don't engage, he's a liar and you cannot win against a liar.

But people do hate drama so if they perceive he is causing it they will dislike him for it, and if they perceive you are causing it you will be the one they avoid - might not be fair, but it's true.

I very strongly disagree. She NEEDS to send the email. It needs to be laid out to both of them. He could end up marrying the woman and if this isn't sorted or at least the TRUTH laid bare, family get togethers will be awkward. Not to mention OP said the woman was her friend. She NEEDS to send the email, it all needs to come out in order for her and their family to move on!

Then you are very strongly wrong. You think this is a made for TV movie and that everyone will agree and rally round when the drama hits their inboxes - because it will, this is going to keep escalating. You think there will be a happy and just outcome from this.

There won't.

That won't happen. People will be pissed off, not care, and be irritated by the drama. Many of them won't believe her or know who to believe.

This cannot be fixed. Liars cannot be challenged successfully. He will just keep lying and lying and lying and lying and it will drag on possibly for years.

She needs to completely and utterly remove herself from their drama, and stay away from him as much as possible while, as I suggested, sending ONE email to him making it clear that he lied.

If she really needs confirmation that will be it. If she openly challenges a liar and his batshit girlfriend, it's going to go nuclear. The difference is, she's not got the gumption, brass neck and entitlement he has.

You cannot win against liars except to escape them.

No, you are the one who is wrong. And in the minority, as the vast majority of posters agree that she should send an email. You want the OP to engage in avoidance. That doesn't help anyone. You are absolutely wrong and are thankfully in the minority.

He will just keep lying and lying and lying and lying and it will drag on possibly for years.

Um, Yeah! Well DUH!!!! That is my ENTIRE POINT! That is why it needs to be addressed RIGHT NOW. With YOUR approach, it WILL drag on for years.

You have me completely wrong. I do not think everything will be fine or ok or that there will be a happy outcome. There never will be, because OP will never be able to trust him ever again.

I just think his Fiance DESERVES TO KNOW THE TRUTH, and the OP deserves the right to CLEAR HER NAME in her family.

Nothing more, nothing less. It's as simple as that.

Nope, you are wrong and appeals to authority don't matter. I have given very good advice to the OP, you are living in a dream world and have watched too many soapy dramas.

And you are behaving very childishly now, I can see why you want the drama because you enjoy drama and like to imagine you can win. Get off the internet and enter the real world, you're meddling in people's lives. Grow up.

And don't keep responding to me, you have nothing to add.

Wow. It's you that wants the drama and are living in a dream world. You want this to stretch on for years and years. I say cut the drama, lance the boil, and move on. You're living in a fantasy world.

I said "And don't keep responding to me. You have nothing to add".

My gut tells me to distance myself from him.

Listen to your gut. It's also called intuition. It's your protector.

They sound like drama queens. (Kings).

Why are you so involved with them? Take time to figure out what is lacking in your own life.

Just because someone has a different opinion to you does not make them wrong, grow up.

It's an awful feeling, knowing someone is lying and there's nothing you can do about and tempting to respond, thinking the truth will save you - but it won't. He will just keep lying and escalating and causing more drama.

I knew a woman who went to a solicitor and started defamation proceedings against another woman who had sent an email to a friend telling the truth about her. In the end, she didn't pursue it but it went on for months, causing the woman who was telling the truth untold misery and stress.

Be very, very careful that you can prove anything you put in writing because liars will sometimes escalate to this sort of thing. .

There is no way to win against a liar and you are setting yourself up for years of family drama llama ding dongs as everyone takes sides and yells if you pursue this. You cannot control other people, only how you react to other people.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Remove yourself from his drama loop and don't give him any more oxygen, stay calm, and stay safe.

Indeed, you should take that advice and do so.

I think your brother is hoping it will all blow over and go away if he keeps his head down and that is why you got a half arsed apologist and then hardly heard anything.

i would either write to them both or try and get them both face to face. Addressing your brother directly (as she is just going off what she has been told and it’s him that has caused it), tell him directly that the truth of what actually happened is nowhere near the version of events he is creating. Offer him a very clear choice of either coming clean and resolving the situation or telling him that if he continues to stick to the lies he has told then it has completely broken your trust and you will be going no contact permanently.

i feel that if you go NC without making it clear that is directly because of his choice to lie then he will forever paint you as the villain and him as the victim

Very well said.

I too don't think u should send the email, he's never going to tell the truth, It would mean admitting to his partner that he's a liar and he ain't going to do that.

NEVER help him again and stay clear of them.