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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Passive father, son is 5 and a half years old and he never took him out by himself

62 replies

elenna55 · 29/10/2024 17:19

Hi everyone, I wanted to see a fresh perspective on my concern that I have over my husband who is being a very passive parent. I have mentioned this to my husband on various occasions, and I said that I see it odd that he doesn't want to go out with his son on his own. He will only come if I ask him to come with us, and even when his own son asks him to come along with us to the park he flatly refuses.

Our son is 5 and a half years old, and my husband has never been out with him on his own even once! He doesn't take him to any extracurricular activities, he doesn't plan any holidays for him. He says that a 5 year old goes to school and he doesn't need anything else. That he won't go on a family holiday as it is too much stress. Therefore, I am lucky enough that my mum goes with us and we do travel with her instead of my husband. He is very passive and would spend all of his free time sitting, either on the sofa, in front of the laptop or sitting in the garden always with his headphones on!

He doesn't contribute financially either, as all the cost for travelling, outing and extracurricular activities I cover.

I wanted to see if I am the one being unreasonable for wanting the father to actually participate in his son's life outside the house, and every now and then take him to the park or soft play. Just wanted to clarify, that the father plenty of free time that he could use to do that.

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 31/10/2024 00:01

GoofyGoldie · 29/10/2024 20:33

My exH rarely played with DD, despite him doing a lot of childcare, as I was the main earner & worked long hours. He was always playing on his computer, or having a nap.
He left for OW when DD was 7.

A year later I met current DH, who was a widower with a then 10 yr old DS. We all went swimming one day & DH was playing in the water with his DS. My DD said to me "I wish my dad played with me like that." It broke my heart.

Please don't let your son grow up feeling like my DD did. She's now 16, very rarely sees her dad, & when I'm no longer here (I have terminal cancer) she wants to live with my DH, not her dad.

You & your son deserve so much more than a man who doesn't want to spend time with you.

I'm very sorry to read that you have cancer and am so uplifted for you that after what you and she went through you've met a wonderful DH who will take care of your daughter.

OP this man is like a flatmate who can't keep up with the rent.

elenna55 · 31/10/2024 00:02

Teenyweenytinytrees · 29/10/2024 18:26

Gross. How can you take this man seriously?

Well...we've been together for 12 years now. In 10 days it will be 10 year anniversary. Our relationship has been rocky for couple of years at least. I'm thinking of divorcing ... but the taught of having international divorce and then international relocation cases are very complicated ...

OP posts:
elenna55 · 31/10/2024 00:03

Jobsharenightmare · 31/10/2024 00:01

I'm very sorry to read that you have cancer and am so uplifted for you that after what you and she went through you've met a wonderful DH who will take care of your daughter.

OP this man is like a flatmate who can't keep up with the rent.

Ahahaha your comment on "the flat mate who can't keep up with the rent" made me laugh so hard 🤣

OP posts:
elenna55 · 31/10/2024 00:06

MoneyMill · 29/10/2024 17:29

Was he a complete prick before your son was born or just since?

He had his moments before, as being verbally abusive and emotionaly blackmailing. But now he is contributing financially less and less, and he also doesn't do much around the house, he does hoover and take out the trash.

OP posts:
elenna55 · 31/10/2024 00:10

Errors · 29/10/2024 18:34

Are you serious? You really need to ask?

He keeps telling I'm unreasonable to want for him to take our son out. And that the child of his age only needs to go to school and that's plenty. That it's women job to do everything related with the child ... I keep telling him, that this is not the case and it is normal for me to want that he spend more time with his son also outside the house.
Maybe I shouldn't put it on AIBU, but rather advice on how to deal with a passive father.

OP posts:
elenna55 · 31/10/2024 00:13

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/10/2024 17:25

So he's effectively the sperm donor and nothing else since.

Ahahaha ... almost. I must add that when my DS was a baby, my DH was bit more involved he cuddled him, changed him, put him to bed sometimes... but since he was a stubborn toddler they didn't get along to well. My DH is extremely stubborn when things don't go his way.

OP posts:
elenna55 · 31/10/2024 00:16

RedToothBrush · 29/10/2024 18:35

over my husband who is being a very passive parent

Hmm well it sounds like you are a good match then given how passive you are as a wife.

Hmmm....maybe. I will just add that english is my 3rd language, and I might have not expressed myself clearly ....
That statement might not make any sense to a native English speaker...

OP posts:
HangingOutInRaccoonCity · 31/10/2024 00:19

What would he say if you gave him advance warning and asked him to take his ds to the park for an hour this Saturday?

Does he know you're thinking of divorce?
If that doesn't get him to step up then nothing will.

I would seriously lose my shit with a lazy person like this.

elenna55 · 31/10/2024 00:19

Vettrianofan · 29/10/2024 17:31

I am curious how you ended up with deciding to have a DC together? He can't be that passive!🤣

Ahahaha well he wasn't that passive before. We did things together ... we travelled and were going out a lot more. He is not interested in doing family things or just something for his DS.
We also went through fertility treatment which lasted 4 years all together.

OP posts:
elenna55 · 31/10/2024 00:23

HangingOutInRaccoonCity · 31/10/2024 00:19

What would he say if you gave him advance warning and asked him to take his ds to the park for an hour this Saturday?

Does he know you're thinking of divorce?
If that doesn't get him to step up then nothing will.

I would seriously lose my shit with a lazy person like this.

Oh he does know ... he then says I just say it as a threat and won't go ahead with it.
I did ask him before if he can take DS out to the park, he said he won't and that he doesn't want to do something he will regret as he can't deal with DS tantrums, as he usually makes him cry and I'm always around so DS comes to me afterwards.

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 31/10/2024 00:26

My DS dad was just like this. I wouldn’t call it “passive”. I’d call it “fucking useless”. I dumped him before our DS turned 3 and never regretted it once. I highly recommend it it before you grow to resent him and your poor DS begins to ask why Daddy never spends time with him.

elenna55 · 31/10/2024 00:27

HappyMummaOfOne · 29/10/2024 18:50

What is he bringing to the relationship?? If you were a single parent ….wait….you ARE a single parent but with a live in sperm donor sitting on your couch! Tell him to step up or leave.

I couldn't describe better the situation...the one thing that he does is he is at home and watches our DS for when I have teaching sessions for 2 hours in the afternoon. Other then that ....

OP posts:
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