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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Passive father, son is 5 and a half years old and he never took him out by himself

62 replies

elenna55 · 29/10/2024 17:19

Hi everyone, I wanted to see a fresh perspective on my concern that I have over my husband who is being a very passive parent. I have mentioned this to my husband on various occasions, and I said that I see it odd that he doesn't want to go out with his son on his own. He will only come if I ask him to come with us, and even when his own son asks him to come along with us to the park he flatly refuses.

Our son is 5 and a half years old, and my husband has never been out with him on his own even once! He doesn't take him to any extracurricular activities, he doesn't plan any holidays for him. He says that a 5 year old goes to school and he doesn't need anything else. That he won't go on a family holiday as it is too much stress. Therefore, I am lucky enough that my mum goes with us and we do travel with her instead of my husband. He is very passive and would spend all of his free time sitting, either on the sofa, in front of the laptop or sitting in the garden always with his headphones on!

He doesn't contribute financially either, as all the cost for travelling, outing and extracurricular activities I cover.

I wanted to see if I am the one being unreasonable for wanting the father to actually participate in his son's life outside the house, and every now and then take him to the park or soft play. Just wanted to clarify, that the father plenty of free time that he could use to do that.

OP posts:
Teenyweenytinytrees · 29/10/2024 18:26

Gross. How can you take this man seriously?

Yourethebeerthief · 29/10/2024 18:27

🙄

user1471538283 · 29/10/2024 18:32

He should want to spend time with his DC otherwise what is the point?

I think this is horrible. Imagine living with your DF and he not being interested in you?

Jellyslothbridge · 29/10/2024 18:34

Pre child was he similar or is this behaviour since becoming a dad?

Errors · 29/10/2024 18:34

Are you serious? You really need to ask?

RedToothBrush · 29/10/2024 18:35

over my husband who is being a very passive parent

Hmm well it sounds like you are a good match then given how passive you are as a wife.

StressedQueen · 29/10/2024 18:37

So what does he do 😂

You need to have a serious chat with him about this. Has he always been like this? I couldn't marry someone who was so unbothered with my children and our lives as a family. Insane

PuppyMonkey · 29/10/2024 18:37

Come on OP, let’s have the explanation. Grin

StressedQueen · 29/10/2024 18:39

Has he always been like this - it genuinely isn't normal to be so unbothered with the people close to you and in your family. If he solely finds joy in his own comfort and sitting alone, that is incredibly sad. Do you all truly get no proper family time?

PortiasBiscuit · 29/10/2024 18:40

Christ girl, dump his sorry ass! What’s the point of him?

NiftyKoala · 29/10/2024 18:45

Is this really the way you want your son to grow up? You ans your little boy deserve more. He's 5 now but soon he will notice other children with their fathers.

HappyMummaOfOne · 29/10/2024 18:50

What is he bringing to the relationship?? If you were a single parent ….wait….you ARE a single parent but with a live in sperm donor sitting on your couch! Tell him to step up or leave.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 29/10/2024 18:58

I think you have the words 'passive' and 'lazy' confused.

TheShellBeach · 29/10/2024 19:02

FFS what have I just read?

The bar for these utterly useless, pointless men just gets lower and lower.

This one doesn't even pay for the privilege of being a father.

Hmm
dermalermalurd · 29/10/2024 19:28

This doesn't get any better. My teens are learning to loathe their father as they reflect and realise how distant and selfish he was with his time. I have always reassured them that it isn't because he doesn't love them or that they aren't good enough, it's a him thing. He just can't really compute anything other than through how it affects him.
This just isn't cutting it anymore. They can see him for what he is, I can't smooth it over for him anymore. I'll say to you what I say to them about people in general: when people show you who they are, please believe them. Brace yourself, you'll be trying to save your son's feelings in the years to come.

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGGG · 29/10/2024 19:31

So he’s a shit father, that’s what he is. What do you mean he’s never taken his child out for an activity by himself? Won’t go on family holidays? What do you mean he doesn’t contribute financially? What the actual heck?!

OrangeSlices998 · 29/10/2024 19:36

Does he do any actual parenting? Add anything to your life as a partner?

Sounds like no, tbh I can’t see what this man adds to your life.

Parsnipsauce · 29/10/2024 19:36

I think we are all thinking, how has your son got to 5.5 without you raising this as an issue before?

TheShellBeach · 29/10/2024 19:58

How does your marriage work, if he contributes nothing financially?

You'd be better off divorced. At least then you'll get child maintenance and you won't have to pay for your husband's food.

GoofyGoldie · 29/10/2024 20:33

My exH rarely played with DD, despite him doing a lot of childcare, as I was the main earner & worked long hours. He was always playing on his computer, or having a nap.
He left for OW when DD was 7.

A year later I met current DH, who was a widower with a then 10 yr old DS. We all went swimming one day & DH was playing in the water with his DS. My DD said to me "I wish my dad played with me like that." It broke my heart.

Please don't let your son grow up feeling like my DD did. She's now 16, very rarely sees her dad, & when I'm no longer here (I have terminal cancer) she wants to live with my DH, not her dad.

You & your son deserve so much more than a man who doesn't want to spend time with you.

ThePoshUns · 29/10/2024 20:38

Sorry to see what you're going through @GoofyGoldie .

babyproblems · 29/10/2024 20:41

Surely you’re not still with this ‘man’. Beyond useless. What a shit role model for your son and actually really damaging for him - he must feel so rejected. If it was me I would probably cut him off to not expose my son to this sort of rejectful behaviour because yes it is odd but more than that it is toxic and arguably abusive and emotionally neglectful. The fact he is totally unsupportive financially aswell is a disgrace. If you’re still married - you are also being emotionally & financially abused I suspect. x

elenna55 · 30/10/2024 23:48

Comedycook · 29/10/2024 17:21

Do you live together? What do you mean he doesn't contribute financially? Does he work? Pay bills?

Yes we do live together. He pays half for the mortgage and electricity, water, internet, some food. He works part time just like I do. I then pay for most of the food, all clothing, extra curricular activities, holidays, activities in school or after school, outings, eating out etc.

OP posts:
elenna55 · 30/10/2024 23:51

babyproblems · 29/10/2024 20:41

Surely you’re not still with this ‘man’. Beyond useless. What a shit role model for your son and actually really damaging for him - he must feel so rejected. If it was me I would probably cut him off to not expose my son to this sort of rejectful behaviour because yes it is odd but more than that it is toxic and arguably abusive and emotionally neglectful. The fact he is totally unsupportive financially aswell is a disgrace. If you’re still married - you are also being emotionally & financially abused I suspect. x

Well it is a bit complicated, as I'm a foreigner and have no family around. I am looking into separation, however I'm dreading the thought of international divorce and complications about relocation. He thinks when he watched his son for 2 hours (he calls it baby sitting for me) whilst I do online classes ( I teach online) he is making me a huge favour.

OP posts:
elenna55 · 30/10/2024 23:57

GoofyGoldie · 29/10/2024 20:33

My exH rarely played with DD, despite him doing a lot of childcare, as I was the main earner & worked long hours. He was always playing on his computer, or having a nap.
He left for OW when DD was 7.

A year later I met current DH, who was a widower with a then 10 yr old DS. We all went swimming one day & DH was playing in the water with his DS. My DD said to me "I wish my dad played with me like that." It broke my heart.

Please don't let your son grow up feeling like my DD did. She's now 16, very rarely sees her dad, & when I'm no longer here (I have terminal cancer) she wants to live with my DH, not her dad.

You & your son deserve so much more than a man who doesn't want to spend time with you.

I'm so sorry to hear that your DD had such a dad. It does break my heart when he doesn't want to join in when my DS asks him to. He does of course plays with him or does some activities ... in my view he is not spending enough quality time with him.
Yesterday, my DS asked him to take him and his grandmum (my mum who came to visit us for the half-term) to the park. My DH (not so dear) asked him why he wants to go to the park?! I mean to me it's quite obvious, he is 5years old he wants to go out and play .... I couldn't take him as I had work at that time.

OP posts:
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