I know I was really rude but - can anyone understand where I was coming from?

[iwasrude]

I have a brother, he does mean well but I always find him really irritating. He doesn’t read the room at all, can be really loud and embarrassing (ranting at shop workers and waiters) and making a big drama if he is ill or has hurt himself. So when I’m with him I’m often a bit tense.

youngest child has just started walking. In the middle of a tense exchange where I was trying to get the older child to do something every time she stood up he yelled OH WOW LOOK. After five or six times where I smiled and said yes, wow, yes, getting really strong, I snapped and said YES OK WE KNOW.

i know it was really rude and I’m not normally like that. I suppose what I’m asking is - can people understand where I was coming from’b

He should know when to shut up! You may have been rude but it sounds like it was necessary.

Does he have other signs of being unable to function socially? Sounds like he could be on the spectrum

Nah. Would have done the same. He sounds like he makes everything about him which would irritate the like out of me.

You were rude Op but he sounds pretty rude himself- shouting at waiting staff is completely uncalled for. If he irritates you so much wouldn't you be better off seeing him less often?

I think sometimes with siblings we still feel we can be snappy/short with them and more critical of them because they are our siblings. I try to treat my siblings with the same politeness as I would treat a friend or a colleague, but don't always succeed. Basically it sounds like he was getting on your nerves, but he was just trying to be excited for your child. At least he cares !

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill

@Threeandahalf yeah I can definitely be like this and he does just really grind my gears somehow and I know it’s unfair, because if someone else was doing some of the things he does it wouldn’t bother me but because it’s him it does. I’m trying to see less of him but because he doesn’t read the room it’s really hard, he doesn’t get those ‘well mustn’t keep you!’ sort of things.

If he can’t read the room you need to just be blunt with him. Take the emotion out.

‘You need to stop being so loud.’
‘We won’t be coming out for dinner as you’re always rude to wait staff.’
‘You need to go home now.’

Does the family usually skirt around him and pander to him?

I know but they he genuinely does get hurt! No one exactly panders to him on purpose it’s just hard not to sometimes!

He sounds insufferable. Shouting at waiters and shop staff is dreadful- it’s bullying- and I couldn’t go to those places with someone who does that.

Sorry OP but let him get hurt! Jesus he’s a grown man, I’m sure he can take it.

He can happily dish it out to poor wait staff but gets his feelings hurt if someone tells him to behave?

I’d be setting him straight as a sibling before he comes across the wrong person in life who won’t treat him so kindly.

In the circumstances I think this is insignificant. I would have snapped too - can't bear people endlessly repeating things, especially if it's done loudly.

There’s no one who can piss you off like a sibling.

Yes. But unfortunately you picked the wrong behaviour to target. You need to speak up when your brother is ranting at shop staff (or refuse to go out with him) rather than letting it build up and come out over something well intentioned. All your brother will now see is that you snapped at him when his was showing admiration for your child. So in his mind, you're snappy and unreasonable. You need to start being more assertive with his bad behaviour or create distance from him.

What you said was necessary.

This MAY be irrelevant here but personally I am std of "male entitlement". As I said this may not be relevant here but every time a man or boy says something to me other than "Hi Sian", I fear the worst. And 90% of the time I hear the worst !!

Either he's neurodiverse / lacking awareness/ understanding, or just doesn't care that he's being rude.

If the former, the solution is to reply calmly and straightforwardly.

"After five or six times where I smiled and said yes, wow, yes, getting really strong..."

This is totally the wrong reply to someone lacking awareness, because you're pretending to enjoy the conversation - no wonder they would be confused and hurt when you suddenly snapped. I'd say, "Sorry bro I can't talk right now, give me 5 mins please".

This isn't rude, and will generally be appreciated by someone neurodiverse. If he's not neurodiverse and just doesn't care, then this approach does no harm anyway - and you'll start to find out which one it is.

I think there can be a bit of a grey area with being rude and being blunt. If he needs very blunt communication then it might not come across as rude from his perspective. It might be that he even prefers to be told something bluntly but clearly rather than hoping he'll pick up on a hint.

whinges at would be a better phrase than ranting. I don’t need to pull him up, I’m not his mother!

I don't get why you didn't say 'brother I am concentrating in oldest now knock it off'

Because you weren’t there to tell me what to say, clearly.

It’s hard to understand why you have no issues being snippy with posters here, but cannot pull up your sibling on rude behaviour. You say you won’t do it because you’re not his mum, what’s the point of this thread then?

I am completely on your side in that you were not being rude, and he sounds like a complete pain who wound you up with silly behaviour. But there are obviously some other family dynamics at play where you feel you can’t say anything to him. Unless we know what those are or the reasons behind them, we’re not going to be able to be much help.

He is rude and deserves a bit of rudeness/honesty back. If you’re not going to be the one to do it I suggest spending less time with him, because it’s only making both of you miserable.

I’ve no problem being snippy with anyone if the circumstances warrant it. I genuinely dont know why people apparently want me to tell him off for being rude in shops or whatever, I’m not generally with him and I’m not responsible for his behaviour when I am.

OK.. I don’t see your circumstance changing much then unfortunately. It’s no way to live, you were not rude for snapping at him, just at the end of your rope while already trying to deal with 2 kids. I can see you don’t want to be rude/confrontational towards him so spending less time together seems to be the way forward.

Oh I hate when people are like LOOK LOOK at something. Don't blame ya OP

Would you have rather he ignored the fact his niece was doing something just because you were busy with the eldest?

What does he say to shop staff and waiters? Is he shouting at them or pointing out things that are wrong? Because in your OP you say he's ranting at them but then you say he's whinging at them. There's a massive difference between ranting and whinging.

Yeah, you're not responsible for his behaviour but you're telling us it annoys you. You weren't responsible for him standing up and shouting "Wow, look" either but it annoyed you so much that you snapped at him. When he is rude to others when he is with you, if you don't do anything about it then you are participating in that behaviour. Whether you think you are or not, you are condoning his rudeness to others. Your kids will pick up on that, and they will copy him, because you have shown you don't mind it (by your lack of response). I'm not most people's mother, but I still try and shape society into one that I'm comfortable with being in. This means using my words instead of pretending that it's not my problem.
In regards to your OP, I don't think you were rude. He was apparently excited about his niece but equally could've been making it about him. Either way, it wasn't a good time or you and he didn't help.
I feel as though you won't like my response, as while I'm agreeing you were NTA, you don't want to try and make your relationship with your brother any better.