Once a cheat?

[Rascal741]

AIBU, to say, almost always once a cheat, always a cheat?

My friend of 20 years got herself involved with a married man. She said the relationship was done despite him still living with his DW and teen DC's. DW found out, distraught and removed him from family home, so I imagine she wasn't aware the marriage was dead. They have continued a relationship. Its been 1.5yr now, and whilst they don't cohabit, they holiday together and date ecetera. I asked my friend if she saw this as a long-term thing, and she said yes as they're talking marriage. I asked her about his cheating on his DW, and was this a concern. She believes not, and she will always be enough for him. She's slightly offended that I have raised this.

Got me thinking, do they really change, or is it a case of once a cheat always a cheat?

As my mother always said: You lose them how you got them.

Your friend got him cause he was cheating on his wife. She’ll lose him when he cheats on her too.

My FIL cheated on my MIL throughout their marriage. Eventually left her and got remarried but still has a wandering eye. I don't know why women think they are the ones to change a man. If he cheated with you he'll cheat on you.

When the mistress becomes the wife, she creates a vacancy. I wish them both everything they deserve in their life together.

I am shocked at the whole thing. She is usually a very level-headed and caring lady. She knew he was living with DW, and I agree that he was the one that cheated, but I'm surprised she got involved. Especially as there are children on both sides.

I have tried to raise the issue gently, but because I have never been in the situation, she doesn't value my feedback. Time after time, I see once a cheat playing.

There are exceptions to the rule, but cheats tend to have moral incontinence. Why you would trust a proven liar is beyond me.

This is exactly what I'm trying to explain to her, but she doesn't see it.

I agree there are exceptions. But very rarely from what I hear and see from friends, family, and reading on here.

It's never cut and dried.

man 1. Had one affair. Faithful since.
man 2. Had an affair. Faithful for 20 years. Having another affair but only because of who it is with.

There are so many variables.

This happened with a friend of mine. She has no idea she was the OW as he 'lived' in a flat here four days a week and 'travelled' for work then other three. Turned out he was actually working here and his three 'working' days were when he was with his partner and children. He left the partner and children for my friend who forgave him, it turned out that he'd done the same thing to that partner when they'd met and has a pattern of lining up the new partner while still living with the previous one. We're all more or less waiting for him to cheat on her too and she's well aware that we don't like him.

I definitely think once a cheater, always a cheater. It takes a special kind of callousness to repeatedly and deliberately betray the trust of someone who loves you, to look them in the face and lie again and again. That sort of behaviour doesn't change.

On one hand, I really worry she will get hurt. On the other hand, she was fully aware he lived with DW and DC. The DC will not have anything to do with her which I think will impact the relationship in future.

I suppose, as PP said, so many different variables involved it's hard to make a solid judgement call. I do not think I would ever relax fully in the relationship if this was the foundation.

I don't think that's always the case but they do say the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour! I think if you've cheated once, it's easier the second time and probably the guilt lessens every time you do it and get away with it. Your friend has fallen into the trap of thinking he'll never do it to her because he's so in love with her - presumably his wife once thought that too 😏

Don't think once a cheat always a cheat in certain situations

My DH cheated on his girlfriend before we got together when he was 18

They broke up, he was single for a year then met me and we've been together since. It's been years and I'm pretty certain (well I hope so as I'm pregnant!!) that he's never cheated.

However, if you meet someone through cheating, then yeah the once a cheat always a cheat stands..you met someone through cheating how on earth do you think they'll be faithful to you if they couldn't keep it in there pants with a whole wife and kids at home. Your friends naive and id have/say the same concerns to her!

No. It's a massive oversimplification and assumes all cheating is identical. It isn't.

I don’t believe this because I know a case where this hasn’t been true. I know a couple who met when they were both married. They both married young and were unhappy. They had an affair for a year, split up because of the guilt and went non contact. Their individual marriages both resulted in divorce. Years later, they found themselves working together, rekindled things and have been together for 20 years. They’ve never looked elsewhere.

I think that’s very different to people who are just self-sabotagers or hugely selfish and who spend their lives cheating on DPs and spouses. There’s no changing them because they probably need therapy to work out why they keep ruining good things.

No one can possibly claim that human behaviour is so simple or easily categorised in terms of black and white.

Is someone who has cheated more likely to cheat again than someone who never has?

Yes, very probably.

Is that absolute and definitive? Of course not.

Caution is advised, of course.

Nothing is certain.

But I think that once someone has found they can get away with something, the repercussions weren't too bad and the rewards were immense (ego boost, passionate sex made more exciting because of the secrecy, general highs of a new romance) then I think they have crossed a boundary and will be more likely to do it again.

She must have very low self confidence and he is probably a big bull shitter.

I feel for her as he'll obviously do the same again. He was probably trying to win back his wife for a while after being chucked out, all the while sleeping with your friend telling her what she wanted to hear.

She could cheat to once a home wrecker always a home wrecker

I've cheated twice in the past.....one relationship where he mentally abused me for basically 8yrs, calling me fat and saying no one was desperate to have me....so I cheated! 2nd was my 1st marriage, my ex husband was/is an alcoholic and alcohol was his priority, I was daft and thought I'd change him....I cheated with my now husband, we've been together 10yrs and have 2 children and 4 angel babies, which could have broke us but never once have I ever thought about cheating.....we are in a loving equal respectful relationship....both my exes when I tried to leave threatened suicide, 2nd did try once we split up.....he's now on his 2nd divorce after a year of marriage and 1st got done for DV on his next partner to me

If he did it for you he’ll do it to you.

I don't know how anyone can be the other DW and know about it and vice versa for the man it's 🤮 anyway I wouldn't trust a man personally who cheated that's my opinion I would always think he would do it to me thankfully I'm not single and married and wouldn't even ever distrust my dh

I don't believe it to be true. I know people who cheated because they were unhappy in their relationships then stayed faithful to the replacements for decades afterwards.

I happy people cheat. People don't just cheat for the sake of it. If they are happy with their replacement then they don't cheat again.

I mean they clearly both have the same kind of morals so his behaviour probably doesn't faze her.

The old Dog with 2 dicks be onto the next in no time