Can I tell this kid off? Feel awkward!

[ChilliHeeler1]

DD 7 is/was friends with a boy in her class who also in the next street. He’s always been a bit temperamental/his mum describes him as moody, often seems to do things to be purposely awkward, can be rude…..anyway him and DD always seemed to get on fine, enjoyed each others company etc. His mum has helped me with school runs etc quite a lot when I’ve been working etc. Recently her son has been very rude and unkind on several occasions to DD. He’s done this in front of me and his mum, his mum understandably gets a bit embarrassed and tells him to stop being rude etc and she’s text me before to apologise for him being unkind. I’ve asked DD if anything’s happened between them for him to behave like this/his mum has asked him and she has also told me that DD has literally done nothing to upset him. He’s just being mean basically. We don’t have play dates with them any more, but AIBU to tell him off if he is horrible to her again, whether his mum says anything to him or not? I feel like it’s a grey area, telling off someone else’s child, but I’m getting annoyed with his behaviour towards DD and she has also been upset. I know 7 is still little but it’s old enough to know when you’re being unkind to someone and I note he only singles DD out for it and wouldn’t dare try it with any of the others in their class.
I’m a bit worried about potential awkwardness between me and his mum because I do really like her! Any advice appreciated! Thanks!

Tell him (Don’t ASK) to stop.
If at your place then say to his mother they need to leave.
If it’s her place or neutral venue then you can leave.
Dont put up with bullying of any type or later on in life she will have come to accept that kind of behaviour and more to the point his mother doing nothing will allow him to turn into one of those type of boys who thinks he can get away with that behaviour.
Oh, by the way, I’m male

Your DD probably realizes that your friend is doing you a favour by taking her home and doesn't want to risk offending her by giving her son as good as she gets. It's all very well for people to say she should stand up for herself but you (an adult) are uncomfortable telling the boy off in front of his mother, so how would a 7 year old feel? She may well be able to put him straight but is worried of appearing rude and unpleasant to the kind lady who gives her a lift home.

I would do what I could to avoid her having to be in around this boy for even five minutes.

I understand it's really tricky (and no doubt expensive) to change things but, if possible, I would look for another solution, whether that's asking to change working hours or extending nursery time by an hour, or making friends with another parent who can help or paying a childminder to walk her from school to home.

It's really unfair on your daughter to make her put up with this every school day. Some kids can put up with those sorts of interactions better than others, but even if your DD is one of them, it's still something she'll always remember. She must dread seeing him by now, surely?

Of course you can tell him off! It sounds as if his mum's way of dealing with him isn't working. But you need to do it assertively, i.e. you talk about the impact on you, personally. Because no-one can justify arguing with you saying how something affects YOU. So...Darren, when you said (repeat the thing he said) it made me feel upset and I think it was unkind. I would prefer you (insert whichever type of comment is appropriate, e.g. would tell me about the problem/politely ask my daughter to let you have an extra turn/realise that saying someone smells/isn't clever/is ugly...it hurts their feelings and they won't want to be your friend.
It might take quite a few 'attempts' at this before he and his mum get the message. It sounds as if she doesn't know how to manage his behaviour and it's setting him up for a difficult life.

I would honestly if you can pick your younger child up slightly earlier. And be honest with the mom if she asks why your doing the school pick ups yourself.

She knows what her son is like and I know i sound horrible but my view on things like that is not my monkeys, not my circus 🤷‍♀️.

Unless she can have a bit more control over her child's behaviour (may be worth asking for outside support), I don't think its fair for your child to be subjected to that daily. I'm a single parent so I get the work/ childcare balance struggle, but I have cut people off like that whose kids I can't have around my own. And not after a first or even 10th offence...... I do give it time to see if it is a phase. But unfortunately even for me as some parents I have actually quite liked, I can't cope with the guilt of me putting my own kids in a situation like that all the time.

You can redirect rather than tell off. Eg. Please be kinder to X not don't shout at X.

I would be making alternate arrangements for your DD, but in the meantime - yes I absolutely would tell him off. Your daughter has already told him to stop being unkind etc, and intervention is now needed. She has tried to stand up for herself and now needs to know that you have her back by you 1) telling him to stop being unkind and 2) stopping sending her somewhere where she gets picked on.

Maybe the kids teased him about having a girlfriend and he’s embarrassed. I don’t think you should let daughter’s mental health suffer, figure a way to pick her up on your own. She’s told the boy that he’s being mean and it hasn’t stopped him so rescue her from this little devil child.

Of course you shouldn’t tell someone else’s child off. Sounds like the behaviour is when you aren’t there anyway, or the bits you witness are when the child’s mum is also present. You can do nothing about that.

But, you must remove your child from this bullying situation and make new arrangements. Not only is this causing immediate upset to your DD, it is also showing her that this is what friendship looks like; that this is acceptable. That needs to end asap.

Goid luck. I hope you can do an earlier nursery pick up so you can be there for your DD at end of school time - she needs you.

Time for a new arrangement.

”only” 5 minutes but if she dreads that 5 minutes, that’s a lot of anxiety leading up to it, so suddenly it’s more than 5 minutes each day isn’t it?

I would also explain to the mum the reason you’re stopping. She has seen his behaviour and at 7, they 100% know better. He’s being a bully and she needs to address whatever the root cause.

My son is 7, if he ever spoke to someone like that I would be sitting down and digging into it to understand why.