to plan for 3 children with no family support

[LaVitesse2022]

Can it be done? Or is that something you wouldn't consider?

Our extended families are abroad so it's just me and my DH here. Am I mad to plan having 3 children in these circumstances? Is it doable or too much for just the two of us? I should say we've about an average hh income now, but very likely to increase in the next few years as my DH moves up his career. One DC currently.

See how you get on with 2 and then decide?

2 is quite different to 1.

Maybe have one first and see how you cope!

Oops sorry I meant 2.

Are you both working FT?

I think it’s a bit dependant on flexibility at work, if one of you is term time only then you’ll be ok, or if you never take leave together, you’ll be ok but if you will be using playschemes and nurseries then you need to do the maths really

Have them one at a time and see how you're getting on...

Can't speak from experience as in your situation we decided to stop at 2. But friends had a whoopsababy #3. They own their own business and work extremely flexibly, which is how it works. But honestly watching her trying to field client calls whilst keeping one hand on the crawling child and settling spats between the other 2 looks hard!!! The business means he is away a lot so she is a seriously busy woman. They're doing pretty well for themselves, went on some nice holidays last year (3 under 5 on a plane for 9 hours!!) The kids are bloody lush and all 5 of them seem to be enjoying life, which is what counts.

I always say how many children do you think you'd be happy with if a single parent and plan accordingly.

We had three with no family support (overseas/distant parents). Third was a bit of a surprise but tbh because we had such big gaps it was fine. You can make anything work, it might be hard work for a bit but if you get to the point of really wanting a third having managed two with no help you know you can do it. Ironically DS1 now is “one and done”. We have his child one day a week (and have had for four years) and other GPs also do a day. We both also do many overnights to give them a break. DS said recently that he doesn’t know how people cope without the level of family support they have. I guess you just get used to what you have.

@MyStylish40s @NotARealWookiie I work 4 days a week, DH's job also has some flexibility.

@Overwhelmedisanunderstatement sounds like your friends have a set up that works well for them! Do you find it manageable 2 in these circumstances (i.e. away from extended family)?

Yeah absolutely! It's all we've ever known tbh. I think we're lucky in that the kids get on very well, we have quite a small age gap so they're happy to do the same activities etc. We have quite a few friends in the area in a similar circumstance so we have a good network for after school hangs, occasional babysitting etc, but mostly we're independent. I think if I had more regular support I'd have loved a 3rd, but I was thinking ahead to if one gets into one sport and the other something else then who takes the 3rd to their thing etc. Lots of other things, that's just the one that stands out. I had the luxury of time and space to think it all through. If i'd found myself pregnant we'd have worked it out (as many do) and I'm sure it would have been fine. But two feels like a really lovely balance. DH and I both take the kids away solo once a year so the other gets some time at home and it doesn't feel like too much. He was recently at a friends house who has 3 (1 and then twins) and wrote back that witnessing the chaos he was super glad we'd stopped at 2 😂 But she loves the chaos, and is considering #4! It's all so individual.

@Flatandhappy that's interesting. I suppose different people have different coping levels too. And some babies/children are harder work so parents may feel the need for a break more.

This is me, and had to lose the husband on the way.

Yes it is perfectly doable, but you have to be no nonsense, competent and resilient.

Good on you for making it work!

I am all of those things so that bodes well 😄

We have three with no family support. It’s manageable but often a struggle since we didn’t add neurodivergence or other elderly parent care into the mix.

I’d just see how things go. You are still a long way from having a third.

My nan used to say "never have more children than hands that need holding". So 3 is fine as long as you space them out - 3 four years apart, great , 3 under 5 not so much.

Go in to this considering the worst situations could you handle 3 If something happened and you ended up on your own either through divorce, sickness or accident could your DH?
Could you handle 3 If one of them had additional needs or one of the children had an accident or illness that made them require significantly more support?

Hopefully those things wouldn't happen but they do and they aren't that rare, at least in the case of divorce.

Thanks for the replies so far. I understand people saying to first see how it goes with 2. I suppose I'm just trying to plan ahead and think about the ideal age gap(s) for our family and what's realistic based on my own fertility. I'm 36, DC is 12mo, and if we want to leave room for a third we'd need to start thinking about DC2 soon. But if we'd plan to stop at 2, then that'd give us a bit more time to plan the second.

I conceived my second at age 36 when my first was 12 months old.

The age gap is actually great, they love each other so much.

I actually just got my first postpartum period since having my second (she's almost 2 but I'm still breastfeeding) which has given me a moment of, "Should we try for a third?"

But realistically and with slight regret (and barring any accidents) we will be stopping at two. Two is already full on, and I want them each to have their own room, enough time and attention from both their parents, and the possibility of doing activities and hobbies which we might not be able to facilitate if we had another child.

I'm pregnant with my 3rd. We have a bit of help but older grandparents (we started late) mean they'll have one kid at a time. Which is absolutely fine and I 100% understand.

Our choice to have them but it is hard and I do envy my colleagues and friends who started families younger and have lots of grandparent help, can't deny it and since I feel this way about having 2 I can imagine with 3 I'll feel it even more.

That said they were all planned and seeing my 5 and soon to be 3 year old playing together is amazing. The fighting and trying to kill each other on the other hand is tiring and some days soul destroying. It's a juxtaposition 😂

Well it’s hard to say when you have one. See how 2 works out.

We have 3 with no family support locally. 2 was soooooo easy. Like, boringly easy. Had 3 and it seems like double the work of 2. It’s lovely, DH and I say to each other every day how great it is, but it’s pretty hard too. I remember thinking I could have had a super happy satisfied life with just the 1. 2 was lovely. 3 is great. But a lot of work.

We have four and have never had "family support". No overnights, no childcare (nor would I expect it) from anyone in our extended family.

Have children based on what you can cope with, not how much support you're likely to get from elsewhere

Go for 2 anyway. 2 close is easier than 2 apart (in the later years anyway).

Then you have time to see if 3 works. Don't decide your family from random experiences on MN.

Thanks so much for your replies everyone, it's very helpful to hear other people's experiences. Of course the first step is having number 2 and see how we get on. But good to hear that it is doable if we do want to then go for number 3.

I expect if you have three at uni at the same time that would be extremely expensive as the student loans people don't take into account expenditure and other children at uni.

Ofcourse that might be getting ahead of ourselves as the multiple children aren't born yet and not all children want to go to uni but it is something worth considering with the spacing.

@LaVitesse2022 I was thinking about this again today.

I find having two children much more tiring than having one, and I think the reason for that is because when we only had one child, once he was big enough that my husband could look after him for a decent stretch of time (i.e. no longer breastfeeding every three hours) I got some time off. If he took DS to the supermarket, or if he was doing bedtime, I wasn't on child wrangling duty. Now with two children we are generally wrangling one each, so that time off doesn't happen. Even things like going out, or away for the weekend. When we had one child, it was no bother to go out for the evening and leave my husband to babysit, or if we wanted to go out together it was easier to get a grandparent to babysit, or if I wanted to go away for the weekend it was more doable because I was only leaving him with one child, not two. Now, with two children, it's a lot more hectic and neither of us really get much time to ourselves, let alone time to spend together as a couple. I've even noticed things like, I don't get round to shaving my legs very often these days, whereas when we only had one child I felt more able to spend time on self care.

There's a part of me that would love another little baby, but the sensible part of me knows that the little kid years are absolutely relentless, adding a third baby to the mix might well be more than we can handle, and I don't think my children would be getting the best version of me if we had another. Maybe we will regret it when they're older and the baby years are over forever. But I hope we will feel the opposite, that we'll really start to appreciate all the things we can do with our two close-in-age children that we wouldn't have been able to do so easily with three, and that we'll be enjoying those years so much that we'll be glad we didn't add a third baby to the mix.

In any case, I think have a second baby first, and hopefully once your second baby is a year old you'll be able to judge whether you can cope with a third, and whether you really want a third or it's just lingering broodiness.